Hmm...I kind of do share it with the world don't I? Let me rephrase that. I have never felt the need to share this with real live people I see and talk to every day in my world. People I mostly likely will never meet on the internet do not count! Yes, I see the irony in this statement. I can share this with hundereds of complete strangers but not my own mother. Crazy, yes. I know, but you don't know my mother.
Two years of TTC and a year of IF treatments and I've haven't even given her a hint about what is going on. Really, I probably should have told her in the very beginning, or when the first inkling of a problem began to form in my mind. Now that we've hit the two year mark I feel like we've gone too far. Like it is too late to tell her. Too big of a secret. I usually tell my mom everything, but in the beginning this was just for Rob and I. As time progressed I didn't share because she had enough on her plate and I didn't want to stress her with my fears about not being able to get pregnant. Now, I'm afraid she will feel like I've been hiding this huge thing from her, it is the elephant in the room.
I go over to dinner to her house almost every Tuesday when Rob is wrestling. For the past couple Tuesdays I have sat on the bar stool in the kitchen that I grew up in while she cooks dinner,
"Mom, there is something I need to tell you."
That is all it would take. Just those words. They are literally on the tip of my tongue. I just cannot seem to coax them out of my mouth. What if she is upset? We've gone through drugs, treatments, procedures, doctors visits...all without confiding in her. What if she is disapproving of our treatment? Not that it is her decision, but my mother is an extremely opinionated person who is very quick to judge on medical issues.
"It took me 20 years to get pregnant"
"It will happen when the time is right"
"What is your rush?"
"You don't have the money for this"
"You need a second opinion"
"You should not be taking fertility drugs"
"How do you know what this is doing to your body"
"The US health system is so corrupt, they're just trying to get all your money"
"Maybe your body is trying to tell you this isn't the right time"
I want to tell her. I do. But I also don't need any of those reactions right now, even with the chance she would be completely supportive and accepting of our choices. I just can't take the risk, for my sanity. So there I sit, every week, biting my tongue and talking about weather, work, and whatever else, trying to act like everything is normal and everything is fine while the elephant stands in the corner...waiting to be introduced.
"If you reveal your secrets to the wind you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees. "