Spot Watch 4/27/2008...

NO SPOTTING!!!

Beta tomorrow at 8:00 am.

"Alice laughed. 'There's no use trying,' she said. 'One can't believe impossible things.' 'I daresay you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen. 'When I was your age, I always did it half an hour a day. Why, sometimes, I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.'"

- Lewis Carroll, Alice In Wonderland

Spot Watch 4/26/2008...

STILL NO SPOTTING!

So with that update out of the way I have a funny story....

Last night when I was opening my prometrium,(to stick them where the sun don't shine), the top flew off and ALL the pills fell into the toilet. The TOILET! ARGH! I quickly scooped them out and attempted to dry them off but when I went to take one this morning I found that they had all fused together in a solid mass. I wrestled one off to take this morning (hey, the toilet water was clean and at this point I'm not going to get squeamish), but figured it would be a better move to just get some more. I don't know how water affects them and I don't want to take any chances.

So since they are "refill" as needed I went to the pharmacy to sheepishly explain why I needed to refill them 5 days before they were due to be refilled. I walk up to the lady, we'll call her Super Smart Pharm Lady, at the pharmacy counter:

Me: "Excuse me, I need to refill my prometrium prescription. I dropped mine in the toilet."

SSPL: "Hmmm, it looks like you don't have a refill."

Me: "Are you sure? I thought they were refill as needed."

SSPL: "Hmmm, no. We'll have to call your doctor. Which means they may not get back to you by Monday."

Me: "Um, ok. I guess I'll just use the ones I have."

SSPl: "The ones that fell in the TOILET?"

Me: "Yeah. What else am I supposed to do? Sheesh lady."

SSPL: :: looks at me like I'm insane::

I walk away from the counter and think, hmm, that's weird. It isn't like I'm taking them orally.

Ten minutes later I get a call from my RE's office, (they're open on Saturdays and Sundays, God bless them!), asking why I'm trying to refill my CLOMID since I'm due for bloodwork on Monday.

::head smack::

Stupid pharmacy lady didn't listen to WHICH prescription I was asking for. No wonder she looked at me like I was totally disgusting, she thought I was talking about taking Clomid pills out of the toilet water and swallowing them! EW!

Rob and I laughed about that for about 10 minutes!

"Life can be wildly tragic at times, and I've had my share. But whatever happens to you, you have to keep a slightly comic attitude. In the final analysis, you have got not to forget to laugh."

-Katherine Houghton Hepburn

Spot Watch 4/25/2008...

Still NO SPOTTING!

I am trying my hardest not to think that it means anything for sure, but really my mind is racing. I tell myself, and others, that I would really just be grateful to not have any spotting, because I should be thankful for little blessings, right? I've dealt with it, with no explanation, for over a year now and I would be so glad if it was something as little as my progesterone levels that caused it (although why the hell have my tests always come up perfectly normal? Grr!). However, I'm straight out lying when I say "If the spotting doesn't show but its still a BFN, I'll be happy with at least that." I'm lying, lying, lying... I'll be crushed. It'll be like my body has PUNK'ed my ass big time, a la Ashton Kutcher, except I'm not a celebrity and it isn't really funny. My uterus will say to my ovaries,

Ute: "We really got her good this time!"
Ovie: "Yeah! What a sucker! PSYCH!"

...and then they'll high-five.

On top of that, I can't get my hopes up too much because I really don't have any symptoms whatsoever. At all. I'm tired, but then again I'm always tired. My job drains me and I don't think I've felt completely awake or alert since I started the damn thing in December. I know it would be early for symptoms, but couldn't I just have one bout of extreme nausea? Just one? Come sore nipples perhaps? No? Come ON!

Lastly, my quote is long this time and I know that some people they get a little miffed by the first part about being a better mother. For me it is not saying that I'll be a better mother than anyone but myself. I'll be a better mother than the me from two years ago, when we just began this journey. In a way infertility has been a blessing in disguise. Even it if doesn't work this time, or next time, or at all and we end up adopting our child, that child will know, its entire life, that it was wanted so desperately and loved so much, long before its life even began.

"Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.I have learned to appreciate life.Yes I will be a wonderful mother."

-Unknown

Spot Watch 4/24/2008...

Still no spotting! As we speak, I'm actually physically knocking on wood with one hand any typing with the other. Seriously! Why? Well, you know how I said in my blog yesterday that my face has been so clear and I haven't had a blemish since I started drinking my gallons of water a day? Guess what I got today? A zit on my chin. Not just any old zit either. This one is a doozy, one of those big, under the skin ones that makes my entire chin throb. I jinxed myself!!! I'm SO hoping I've only jinxed myself with the zit part and not the spotting part.

Three more days until my beta. Three more days of possibly being pregnant. I can't wait for them to be over, yet I don't want to letlet go of the possibility either.

Tune in tomorrow for more Spotwatch!

"Dum spiro, spero (While I breathe, I hope)"

-Latin Proverb

Spot Watch 4/23/2008...

Every cycle I usually start spotting anywhere from 7dpo to 10 dpo. Well, I'm 9dpiui and there is no sign of spotting. Hopefully I'm not jinxing myself by posting this, but I'm SO CLOSE to at least reaching a milestone of not starting the spotting when I usually do that I can barely contain my excitment.

On the flip side, I'm absolutely TERRIFIED every time I use the bathroom, which is a lot because I drink more water than any normal human should. I carry these two huge water bottles to our water cooler at work every morning and drink them throughout the day. Drinking my water keeps me from eating constantly, what can I say... I'm apparently orally fixated. On a positive note, the huge amount of water I consume daily have done absolute wonders for my skin, I really haven't had a blemish since I started drinking. I can say that my mother was actually right when she told me drinking water would make my skin fabulous, though I'd never tell her that, she's kinda of an "I told you so" kind of gal, my mother. The downside, I pee just about every 10 minutes at work. Since I work in entirely too close of quarters with my co-workers I'm sure they either think that a.) I'm a ranging bulimic or b.) I'm pregnant or c.) shooting up intravenous drugs in the bathroom.

How is that for a tangent? As I was originally saying, I am terrified to go to the bathroom, I'm so sure every time that I walk into the stall that the spotting has returned and my hopes will come crashing down. I almost don't want to drink my requisite two jugs of water so I just don't have to actually go into the bathroom all day long. Like I could somehow ward it off by holding it. How is that for skewed infertility logic for you?

Please send me ::STAY AWAY DAMNED SPOT:: vibes!

“Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.”

-Unknown

The Dreaded Two Week Wait...

... is absolutely driving me insane, crazy, batty, nutty this time around. I mean SERIOUSLY! I am physically and mentally incapable of thinking about anything else other than the outcome of this cycle. I wish I could will my mind to think about something, anything, but I simply cannot. Let me give you a little peek into the madness that is my mind right now:

"Am I?"

"Probably not"

"...But maybe"

"What if..."

"Damn, don't get your hopes up"

"...But maybe"

"15% chance w/IUI... that isn't so great"

"...it is way better than less that 3% on our own..."

"What if I have twins"

"What if I have triplets"

"Where would we put them all?"

"Don't be silly"

"I could tell my mom on Mother's Day"

"I would BE a Mom on Mother's Day"

"Stoppit, you're just torturing yourself, remember LAST Mother's Day? Same stuff, difference day"

"...But MAYBE"

"Stop, JUST STOP"


It is horrible, this perpetual state of "maybe", this limbo that goes on during these two short weeks it absolutely agonizing. I read the T-TTC boards on the nest and see girls who announce that they're pregnant after their first IUI and I think, "Yes, SEE self? It CAN happen?" Then I see the ones that tried 2...3...4...5...6 times unsuccessfully and had to move on to IVF and the negative thoughts come back. IUIs are basically the end of the road for us, TTC-wise, and that end just keeps getting closer with every month, it is looming in the distance. So right now all my energy in this 2ww is directed towards thinking and praying that I get a positive outcome. Ha, ha...get it? POSITIVE outcome? See? I have stooped to new levels of craziness, as that isn't even funny. Today I feel like I just cannot be in limbo for another week, for another couple of days even. These two weeks feel like another 2 years of this journey and I'm tired.

It is funny how my blog title really sums it all up for me right now. Right now I am truly defined by A Baby? Maybe...

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us, we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be"

- C.S. Lewis

The Way We Were...

I know this is my second post of the day, but I just felt like I needed let it all out. It helps, it really does.

I remember when we first started TTC. It was something that was inevitable, something that was going to happen in the next couple months. We were going to be parents. It was so exciting. We would look at the baby section of stores, giggling like pre-teen girls in the juniors department of Macys. We would lightheartedly argue about names, I constantly rallying for Lucy, Rob laughing and using his "power of veto". We painted the office a light, buttery yellow. I started considering putting my very non-baby friendly car up for sale. I couldn't wait for the Pottery Barn Baby Catalog to come in the mail. It was thrilling to see the women at the Farmer's Market, with their babies in slings and strollers, or with their pregnant bellies protruding out from under cute maternity t-shirts. Back when I could look at them without the sting of jealousy. Shower invitations only brought on a feeling of excitement since we were probably next. I would take a mental note the presents they received that would be great to register when my time came. It would be so soon. We would say things like "Imagine next time this year we'll we parents!" or "This may be our last Christmas just the two of us". Whenever people would ask us when we were going to try and have kids we would vehemently deny it, but give each other a secret smile...if they only knew!

Every major holiday and birthday I would think, "Oh, wouldn't father's day be the best day to tell Rob?" I would dream of telling my mother on her birthday... on my father's birthday...on mother's day... on grandparents day... on Thanksgiving...on Christmas.

The perfect-time-to tell holidays rolled by for one year, then another. The uneasiness set in. The endless doctors appointments began, I've never been to the doctors so much in my life... and it is only just beginning. Doubt about our baby-making capabilities slowly creeped in. Medications needed to be taken at certain days, certain times. Side effects made me cranky, emotional, and not myself. I stopped thinking up creative ways that I would tell my best friend. I put the two things I had bought for the baby into the closet in the guest room. The quilt for the wall that I bought from Red Envelope went back into the box it came in. The unbelievable soft lamb-shaped baby blanket that I would often take out just to touch has been stowed safely away. I haven't opened it for months now. I stopped pouncing on the Pottery Barn Kids catalogs and eventually they found their way directly into the recycling bin. I now walk by the baby department at Target with only a quick sideways glance. I feel a sharp stab of envy looking at the women at the Farmer's Market who have what I want so desperately. Do they see me? Looking at them? I wonder if or when it happens for us if I will recognize the looks in women's eyes. Women who are going through what we have went through. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to see it from a mile away. You don't forget that sort of thing. It is almost like a sisterhood, a sorority you never wanted to join.

A shower invitation, a Christmas card with a new baby in a Santa hat or sitting in the middle of Christmas lights(there were so many this year), a bulletin on myspace announcing the pregnancy of someone years younger than me, all make me blink back tears and push away the devil on my shoulder, "Why them? Why not us?". The jealousy is almost the worst part. You can't stop it, it is there with every pregnancy announcement. You can fake your way through it on the outside, inside it rips your heart out...every single time. When people ask us about TTC now I immediately change the subject. There is no more "when we get pregnant..." it is always "if we get pregnant". It isn't being negative. It is simply self preservation, steeling ourselves for the possibility of a outcome that does not include a pregnancy.

"But now old friends are acting strange

They shake their heads, they say I've changed

Well something's lost, but something's gained

In living every day"

-"Both Sides Now" Joni Mitchell