The Last Year...

...It's so overwhelming, where do I start?


Had the Zoe - She was beautiful and perfect and amazing and lovely. Although I will say, the hormones did a number on me this time. Rob brought Lucy to come see me in the hospital the second day and I cried like a baby when they left. I actually cried pretty much all night long (Rob was going home with Luce so I was alone). The next day I was fine, but that night alone in the hospital was rough even though Zoe was a dream baby.


Miss Zoe continued to be a dream baby for about three weeks. Then Rob went back to work. Then she turned into a screaming banshee. An adorable banshee, but a banshee. She started screaming at about 8 pm at night and stopped at around 2 or 3 am. That is about 7 hours straight of screaming. She also screamed during the day, but not quite as much or as heartily. We thought, like Lucy, that she had colic. I thought I was going to lose my mind. Rob and I would take turns at night walking her around our room and watching re-runs of Food Channel shows on Netflix. To this day I cannot watch Man V. Food without the cringing.


After a couple weeks of this torture I decided I wasn't writing this off as colic. I took her to the pediatrician who promptly diagnosed her with reflux and started her on Zantac, warning me that it could take a couple weeks to kick in. And just so you know, when they told me that my baby, whose baby screams lasted 10+ hours a day would have to wait a couple of weeks for relief, I cried, as much for me as for her because I knew she was uncomfortable but I was losing my ever-loving mind. Well, Miss Z decided to take full advantage of this waiting time for the meds to kick in and proceeded to scream all the way through them. I even took her to a chiropractor (on the suggestion of a dear friend who worked at the chiro's office and had seen some success in colic/reflux babies). However, I cannot tell you whether it was the chiro or the Zantac that did it but as quickly as she started screaming, it stopped at when she hit about 10 weeks old. I cannot describe to you the relief, for all of us! We loved that baby but I would hear her screaming in my ears even during the day when she was sleeping! Also something that helped, Colic Calm. That stuff is like black gold, even if it ruins every outfit we ever put on her.


I'm not kidding when I tell you I thought I was going to lose my mind with Zoe's screaming, and honestly, I was alone pretty much every day. I had a couple visitors here and there but other than that I was alone until Rob came home at night. Not that there is anything bad about that, but postpartum anxiety + screaming baby + mischievous/rebellious toddler = my volunteering to go back to work right around 10 weeks post partum. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.


As soon as I returned to work Z's reflux meds started to work and she was a sweet dream, as my mother tells me. She never screamed and an angel all day, every day. This is me, kicking myself now. Stupid Stupid Stupid.


Let me tell you something about my old job. I worked like a dog. I literally did the job of what a whole team of people usually do for a company of that size. 12-14 hours a day and on the weekends. Everyone there in my department did it.  It wasn't set as an expectation but when everyone else is doing it...yep, I was a sheep. I did it too. You would work all day, usually through lunch. Then go home and EVERYONE would log on late at night for several hours. If you didn't log on, you'd open your email in the morning to a gazillion emails from everyone else who was working last night and would feel like the ultimate slacker for not being one of them (rewards for performance were BIG and everyone wanted to be the top, including me). I loved my team, LOVED them and still do, but I couldn't keep it up. I happened across a job posting on Craigslist and, on a whim, applied for a HR Analyst position at a company literally two blocks away from my current company.


I didn't think anything of it, until I was offered the job and had to give notice at my current job. Well, I don't know if you know this but sometimes, when someone does the work of several people, it's NOT a good thing for them to leave! Panic ensues. So, I offer to stay on, part-time, to help with the transition while they outsourced my (one) position to another company.


There is something you should know about me, I CANNOT do anything half-ass. So, while I'm throwing myself into this new job I was also working full-time on my OLD job until the outsourced. So, let me break this down for you. Wake up, go to work - 9 hours at Job A. Come home, dinner, bath, baby snuggling then at 8:00, when they were asleep, I would log on to Job B until the wee, WEE hours of the morning, usually between 12-2 am. Would also put in over 10 hours each weekend. Total I would say I was working, on average, 80 hours per week. And yes, I still spent as much time as possible with the kiddies. Most of my extra work time was at night and amazingly, at first, I was able to function on an insanely small amount of sleep...for a period of time. At the end I really started to go downhill.


I did this from July 2011 to March 2012. Something else you should know. I raked in the Benjamins. So, no, it was not all for nothing. Which leads us to, what was I going to do with that $$? 


There was a purpose of why I continued to do it. We decided this housing market was our chance to get into something that better fit out expanding family. So, we sold our house. Oh man, was that hard. I looooved our little house, but it was just that, little. Bursting at the seams for a family of four, a dog and two cats. We thought it would be on the market forever with all the hype about the down housing market. Wrong! Listed in September sold by November 23rd. Granted, we took a loss and paid to get out of it, but it was what we needed to do to move on. The sale went so quickly that we didn't even have time to find a replacement property. So we moved in with my Mom who I love and adore but also REALLY, REALLY likes to give "advice" and REALLY, REALLY thinks that I should take EVERY PIECE of advice she every gives me and if I do not she immediately takes offense and gets all huffy and offended for extended periods of time and generally makes me miserable (not necessarily on purpose, it's just the way she is). Which is fine, when you don't live under the same (small) roof and feel like you're going to go all REDRUM on one another if it doesn't end soon.


We found a Short Sale and made an offer. We thought, oh yes, we can wait because its an AMAZING house, GREAT deal, we're SURE those reports of people waiting 6 months for Short Sales is totally an exaggeration. Um, WRONG. Totally NOT an exaggeration. Short Sales are the devil. So started the waiting and waiting and waiting.


Meanwhile, I'm starting to feel...panic. Sheer panic. I feel like I am drowning under the pressure of Job A, Job B, House, Kids, Mom, Husband, Animals. OMG. I call my doctor to let her know I've been short of breath lately and am shaky. Also, terrified that something terrible is going to happen. What if one of the girls falls down the stairs, what if they get cancer, what if we get in a car accident. Cannot. Breathe.


I see the doctor and she, gently, suggests that I should probably 1. take this RX for Zoloft and 2. Speak to a Counselor. I do both.


I'm going to be frank here. I don't think the Zoloft did me any good. Even after waiting a couple weeks I didn't see that much of a difference. On the other hand, the counselling was great. Honestly, the first time I went in it was like. Oh yes, I'm fine, everything is fine but... 


I'mworkingamillionhoursandI'mworriedaboutmykidsandIcannotseemtostoptobreathandmymotherisonmelikeaheatrasheverydayandmyhusbandactslikeeverytingiscompletelynormalandittotallyisn'tandIfeelikeI'mlosingmyeverlovingmind.


And she's all "Um, Duh?". OK, not in so many words but basically:

1. I have what appears to be a history of anxiety and depression.
2. Working 80+ hours a week is not sustainable and is detrimental to your mental and physical health.
3. I am living with my lovely but HIGHLY opinionated mother in a cramped living space that is not my own.
4. Rob, who also is lovely, is a totally oblivious to the fact that I am on the edge of a complete breakdown.
5. I'm not sleeping due to work and the fact that Zoe wakes up every other hour at night. You can go for awhile on less sleep, but then you get to a point that sleep deprivation is TRULY a form of torture.
6. See above - lather, rinse, repeat.

So, I nixed the Zoloft and continued the counselling. It felt good and finally recognized that we had MORE than enough money in savings and that Job B was more than ready to go on without me and that I needed to be done with all that nonsense like NOW. So, as of March 1 I had one job and it felt incredible. Because really, I hadn't had a normal work-life balance in years. I worked long hours throughout my career at my previous job, including through two pregnancies, and I could not backtrack away from the expectations that I had created for myself at that company. Even though I had been working, very successfully at Job A since July of 2011 I felt like I had a clean slate and man, it felt good.


Fast forward to present. May 2012. Last week the offer on the Short Sale was approved by the major lien holder. We still need approval from the junior lien holders but luckily they are all at the same bank, so there shouldn't be too much haggling now that the main loan has accepted our offer. We're hoping to be IN THE HOUSE by the end of June. Hallelujah!


I'm going to tell you why this house purchase was so worth every penny that I saved. Our old house - 1200 square feet, in a not-so-good neighborhood and a terrible school district (even though we loved it and I wouldn't trade our newlywed and new family years there for anything). New house - 2270 square feet, great, tree-lined neighborhood, solid school district. The best part about it...the difference in our monthly mortgage payments? Less than $100. AWESOME. Thank you terrible housing market and incredible mortgage loan rates! 


Bigger house = more kids? Well I hate to disappoint but I'm not pregnant again...but I want to be. Am I crazy or am I CRAZY? Yes, I want more. At least two more littles hanging around. Probably in another couple years. First, I've got to figure out a couple things about work and being at home and all that jazz. I've got some thoughts up my sleeve, but they're a discussion for a later date.


Some of you have asked about the Rob. My husband, though oblivious to the fact that sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind, is also incredible. He gets the short end of the stick sometimes, because I'm damn busy, but takes it like a champ. And I promise I'll make it up to him when we're no longer sharing a room with a baby (living with mom, remember?) who decided that as soon as we moved into my mom's house she would STOP sleeping through the night and proceeded to wake up 2-5 times per night until last month (oh sweet relief). 


Speaking of sleeping, we actually made a deal a couple months ago. I get up with the baby during the night and he would get up with her when she woke up at early every morning. Sounded like a good idea at which point she promptly stopped waking up early and then woke up multiple times at night (see mind-losing #5). I didn't say a word because I knew that there would be sweet relief soon enough and I was right. For the past two weeks Z has slept ALL night and gleefully woken up at 5:45 in the morning, at which point I jab Rob in the side with my finger and say "Rob, get the baby". Then I laugh evilly and go back to sleep. To his credit, he has only complained about it once or twice...to me. I'm sure he tell grumbles to Zoe every morning when she sees him and demands "UPPY!" at 5:45 am. But she's so dang cute I'm sure he can't be grumpy for long. He hasn't mentioned reneging on our deal yet, but I'm sure there will be an expiration of the deal at some point, but for now I'm going to keep it going for a long as humanly possible!


And peeps, my girls. My girls are amazing. They are the lights of my life. Lucy is so, so smart. It's ridiculous how smart she is. Zoe too. I'm not just saying that. She can count to FIVE people. FIVE. I tell them that, every day. That they are so smart and I love them so,so,so much. Sometimes I feel like my heart could burst into a million pieces because it is just so full of love for them. I cannot even begin to describe them. They are THAT amazing. You'll see. Now that I've brought you up to date with this enormous, rambling post that possibly makes no sense to anyone but me I can start telling you about all their hijinks and adorable-ness going forward. I can't wait.


Phew. That was a lot. Did I lose you all out there?

"And remember that behind every successful woman......is a basket of dirty laundry."

-Unknown

Rumblings...

I sit and stare at it. It greets me every morning at 6:00 am. Line upon line upon line of emails. Red exclamation points next to half of them to let me know “look at ME first. I’m important. Reply to ME.” I clean it out daily, hourly at times, but it keeps on going. Adding up to make me feel like I’m drowning in questions that needs answering. How long can I take paternity leave? What if I don’t want to turn in paperwork? What if I’m sick? When do I get paid? I don’t want to answer their questions. There is a little girl at home who is getting too big and growing up too fast and I cannot stand the hours I’m away from her during the day. Reply. Forward. Attach. Repeat. Snooze the Outlook Calendar reminders that pop up endlessly, do this, do that, do it now… you’ve been snoozing this reminder for 3 days now. Work hard, work long and someday it will pay off. I swear that should be the theme song, and, quite frankly, I don't know if I believe it anymore. Maybe this is just momentary stress during a transitional time at work, but its really taking me through the wringer this time...

I ask myself, why do I do this? The answer is simple really. It pays the mortgage, it pays the bills, it pays for food. People have told me-- if you really want things to work you make them work. We gave up our house, they say, moved to an apartment, take the bus everywhere, collect foodstamps…but I’m home with them, the children. You can make it work if you really want to, you’re just selfish. Perhaps. Or Perhaps that is not me. I am the nurturer, the mommy, but also the main provider. I can’t just throw it all away. We have worked hard for our little house, my extremely safe car (you wouldn’t believe the amount of hours…er days… that went into researching car safety), our quiet neighborhood, our providing for ourselves and others in our family who need help. Of course, I could quit my job and stay at home. It would only be a matter of time before we wouldn’t be able to make the house payments anymore, just one month with us having to pay practically a mortgage payment for our sick dog like last month and we’d be done for. We could sell the car, eat cheaper, processed foods. Sure, it could work. Instead of stressing about work I could stress about money. It’s trading one evil for another. Would the payoff be greater than the sacrifice? Possibly. Although, to play devil’s advocate, my girl is happy, well-adjusted and wonderful. I don’t worry about her. In all honesty it’s me I’m starting to worry about.

What wonder is, is there a happy medium somewhere? Somewhere else perhaps? The thought is scary, but at what point it is too much? At what point do I decide that my own quality if life is, in fact, important? That is what I’ve been wondering lately. The what else-s and what if-s are getting to me.

I’ll be back to regular writing soon. I’m in a funk and can’t seem to extract myself. Do you forgive a girl who is just trying to stay above water here? There is so much going on and I have so much to tell you...I promise if you stick around that you'll be glad you did.

How do you deal with whatever stresses you? Let me know.

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” 

–Ralph Waldo Emerson

Something sparkly...

picture from Swamibu via Flikr

Diamonds are supposedly a girl's best friend, not this girl. Don't get me wrong, I love a beautiful piece of jewelry as much as the next gal, however, today I received a gift of sparkly variety that is way better than diamonds in my humble opinion...

 

I came home today to a totally clean house. Now I'm not talking a picked up house, I'm talking a CLEAN house. Shiny, glossy, sparkly CLEAN. Best of all it was a complete surprise. Let me tell you what has been done here:

• carpets vacuumed
• 5 loads of laundry done, including diapers
• floor swept and mopped
• dusting/glass cleaned
• sink scrubbed
• all dishes done
• dogs bathed
• dog BEDS washed
• BATHROOMS CLEANED, and I mean CLEAN
• Windowsills even wiped down

...and that is just what I've found so far. I don't even know when he found the time to do it today in between work and studying for a midterm tonight. I cannot believe it. Don't get me wrong, he helps, and I wouldn't even call it helping... we each do our share to keep our house up to my ridiculously high standards (I admit it, I am obsessive when it comes to cleanliness).l He is one helpful guy--he makes dinner 6 out of 7 nights a week (hey, he's a chef, its expected), does the dishes, makes the bed in the morning, picks up after himself. helps me deep clean on weekends and he always does all the yardwork in our large yard...but all this? Wow.

I got home after a long day at the office to an empty house (he's at school on Monday nights) and "ahhhhhh" the only thing I needed to do was give Lucy a bath and pop her in bed and and then just relax. Remember self? Remember the meaning of the word? Let me help you out, Define: Relax:- become less tense, rest, or take one's ease; "He relaxed in the hot tub"; "Let's all relax after a hard day's work. Ahh yes, now I remember...its been awhile.

I could do whatever my littler heart desired. Update the blog? Here I am. Peruse my Google Reader, done. Check my work email, yep (what can I say, I simply cannot relax completely, so sue me). Sit and watch junky TMZ and Extra...oh yes. I don't remember the last time I had a night like this. Where there was nothing I felt like I needed to do. I feel like I should be doing something but there is literally not.one.thing. I need to do.

I don't feel like I deserve this, I'm so exhausted half the time that I don't feel like Rob gets half the attention he really deserves. How did I get do lucky? Amazing. Absolutely amazing. Makes me even more excited on the new journey that Rob and I have decided on lately. Want to guess what it is? Have a try...

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."

-Mignon McLaughlin

Rough Night...

...someone, anyone...please tell me this gets easier? This is worse than when I went back to work when she was 4 months old. I know, I know -- its just an adjustment and a lot of change for a baby but... its hard when she seems to want anyone but me. Not to mention it's also hard when she acts like I'm trying to murder her when I try to feed her. It was a rough night.

On that note, I was never the type that wanted to keep breastfeeding past a year. Hell, I'm shocked I made it a year (believe me, its been a challenge but that is another story for another day). But now its past a year it breaks my heart just a little bit knowing that fairly soon she'll be ready to be done and that there will be one last time to share that bond. I dwell on that one. last. time. I see it coming it makes me tear up a little thinking about it. Of course there is many, many more fun and exciting times that the future holds, but there is no denying that there's something special between mother and child during those moments and to see the end of those times is, well, a little sad.

::sigh::

Someone out there, please tell me that she'll start acting like she needs or wants her mama again soon?

“Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up.”

-The Wonder Years

The Big Debate...

Working Mom vs/ Stay at Home Mom. Hot topic, right? At least it seems to be in the comments of my last post. I've been mulling over whether or not I should devote an entire blog entry to this subject and finally decided, after I had to keep responding in the comments that, yes, this deserves its own entry.

There are two very definite ends of the spectrum here and then a lot of gray area in between (Please Note before you go all crazy on me these are NOT directed to anyone in the comments of my last post).

Position #1: You Should Stay At Home With Your Children You Selfish B.

Some people believe that women should only have children if they are going to not work and devote 24 hours per day to raising their children. I mean, why else would you have children if you are basically going to be ignoring them and pursuing your own selfish career/life? Once you have children you should have absolutely nothing that is for yourself, whether it be a career, a pair of new designer jeans or a dinner out once or twice a month with your husband. If you are a person who cannot AFFORD to stay home, then you should have budgeted or waited to have children. It would take 10 years for you to be able to afford to stay home? Well, lots of people are having babies in their 40s nowadays...why can't you? No matter what the financial situation, if you WANT it enough, you can make it happen by simply moving from your home to an apartment, cutting out any and all expenditures (date night? what is date night?) and so on and so forth.

Let's take a trip waaaay down to the other end of the spectrum.

Position #2: Stay At Home Moms are Lazy and Eat Bon Bons All Day Long

People on the other side of the debate often think that SAHMs are just plain lazy and a throwback to our grandmother's day of the women raising the children, cleaning house and having dinner on the table when the husband gets home. Your days are spent lunching with other SAHMs, doing some light dusting and playing patty cake with their little ones. When the little ones nap, you probably watch Days of Our Lives while eating delicious bon bons. Their lives are in no way challenging or difficult, as they have so much spare time on their hands.

~~~

Neither of these ways of thinking are REMOTELY true and if you find yourself even marginally buying into either, well, you should be ashamed of yourself because both of those are the most ridiculous things I have ever written. Unfortunately, I know there are people out there that think that some or all of those little gems are true. They're what I like to call delusional or just plain judgemental (again, this is NOT directed to anyone who posted in the comments).

First of all, for the Working Moms out there. You go girls. You've got so many balls in the air it is ridiculous, yet you keep on juggling and making it work for your family. Some of you NEED to work. You need it to make ends meet. No amount of wanting or cost cutting will make it work. You just need that extra paycheck to live in the way that works for your family. Some of you WANT to work. You need the adult conversation, ::gasp::, and you enjoy talking to people who can actually piece together full sentences and people who don't usually drool on you. You may love your job. You may have worked long and hard to get to this place in your professional career and it probably is amazingly good for you both as a women and as a mother to be this professional person on top of being a mother, even though it is difficult. Just because you have children doesn't mean that is the only thing that defines you as a person. You are a better mother because that is not the only thing you are. Both of these types of women do NOT love their children any less than one who stays at home with them.

For you Stay At Home Moms out there. Damn girls, it is NOT easy. Before my maternity leave I thought of all these amazingly productive things that I would be doing as I would have ALL of this spare time. Paint the kitchen cabinets, learn how to use my sewing machine that I got for my birthday back in November, take up knitting again and catch up on my reading... Do you know how many of those thing that I did? None. Not one. Staying at home is just as exhausting as being at work. Being a mom is a full time job, for REAL. Incredibly enough these little people need attention 24 hours a day, yes really. No lunching with the ladies when you have a screaming toddler on your hands. I've tried cleaning the house on my days off...ahahaha, right. There is always cleaning to do, shopping to do, cooking to do, laundry to do, activities and doctors appointments to go to, and I'm assuming if you stay at home you are doing the all of it and then some. And you do NOT get paid in money but in the fact that you get to see every little detail of your child growing up. It's amazing. I'm fairly certain soap operas and bon bons do not factor into the equation but lucky for you little hugs, little snuggles and that quality time with your child(ren) most certainly do.

Being a working mom is not for everyone. Being a stay at home mom is not for everyone. You do what works for you and your family. No one else can or should judge your decision on what you need to do to make your life with your family work.

For myself. I'm going to lay it all out there. I wish I could stay home with Lucy, I truly do, HOWEVER... we own our (modest) home, we do not want to sell it to move into a duplex, condo or an apartment. We love our house and have put much time and effort into making it a home. We look forward to the summers Lucy will spend exploring our large yard and helping us plant our vegetable beds. Hopefully she will lean how to ride a bike in the safety of our quiet cul-de-sac and go trick-or-treating down our street. Also, the former realtor in my wants to scream when people say "you could sell your house and move into something less expensive so you could stay home". Have you looked at the downward spiral of home prices lately? With the depreciation of the housing market, closing costs and realtor fees we simply would not be any better off in somewhere smaller. As far as spending that is not necessities, we do go dinner out once in awhile, although when we do it is our "date night" which is something we need to reconnect as a couple. We have no credit card debt and a very small school loan. We own our cars free and clear. I cut coupons and shop at the inexpensive supermarket, instead of Whole Foods where I wish I could shop. I buy clothes at Marshalls and TJ Maxx, if at all. There are things we spend money on, but we save and plan way in advance for those and it is simply a part of our life that we enjoy, like traveling (with Lucy). That is something we are planning on doing as a family and are not willing to give up. We want her to explore and appreciate the world around her, its as simple as that.

My job affords me excellent pay, medical benefits, life insurance 401K and stock/bonuses that make us be able to have a decent savings account in case of emergency, a college account for Lucy, as well funds for our own retirement. I believe both of the latter are gifts that keep on giving for your children, the fact that they don't have to pay 100% for college themselves (by the time she goes college will approximately cost $300,000) and she won't have to worry own mom).

Quitting my job is not an option right now. End of story. In the end, I'm just not willing to quit and live paycheck to paycheck and give up the safety net that my job provides us with. Does that make me a bad mother, no. It makes me a smart mother. Right now if my husband lost his job we would be fine. He was out of work for the three months that I was on maternity leave, if I didn't have my job this would have been a complete disaster. Because I did have my job and had saved a hefty amount for my leave it was a blessing. Both Rob and myself got to spend that time with each other and with Lucy and it was incredible. It was the best.time.ever. So... my job, although it wears me out, is a blessing. We waited long enough for Lucy to come, so suggesting that we should have waited longer is ridiculous. I love my life the way it is, and although someday I do hope to stay home with her or work for myself, I'm happy where we are now, exhaustion and all.

Phew. That was a lot, but I really felt the need to get it all out there. I would love to stay at home with Lucy, and for the people that it does work for I envy you. In the end, as long as you love your children fiercely, and let them know this every single day, you are a good mother.

"The world is full of women blindsided by the unceasing demands of motherhood, still flabbergasted by how a job can be terrific and torturous."

-Anna Quindlen

"She never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn't take them along." -Margaret Culkin Banning

"The phrase "working mother" is redundant."

-Jane Sellman