Spot Watch 4/27/2008...

NO SPOTTING!!!

Beta tomorrow at 8:00 am.

"Alice laughed. 'There's no use trying,' she said. 'One can't believe impossible things.' 'I daresay you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen. 'When I was your age, I always did it half an hour a day. Why, sometimes, I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.'"

- Lewis Carroll, Alice In Wonderland

Spot Watch 4/26/2008...

STILL NO SPOTTING!

So with that update out of the way I have a funny story....

Last night when I was opening my prometrium,(to stick them where the sun don't shine), the top flew off and ALL the pills fell into the toilet. The TOILET! ARGH! I quickly scooped them out and attempted to dry them off but when I went to take one this morning I found that they had all fused together in a solid mass. I wrestled one off to take this morning (hey, the toilet water was clean and at this point I'm not going to get squeamish), but figured it would be a better move to just get some more. I don't know how water affects them and I don't want to take any chances.

So since they are "refill" as needed I went to the pharmacy to sheepishly explain why I needed to refill them 5 days before they were due to be refilled. I walk up to the lady, we'll call her Super Smart Pharm Lady, at the pharmacy counter:

Me: "Excuse me, I need to refill my prometrium prescription. I dropped mine in the toilet."

SSPL: "Hmmm, it looks like you don't have a refill."

Me: "Are you sure? I thought they were refill as needed."

SSPL: "Hmmm, no. We'll have to call your doctor. Which means they may not get back to you by Monday."

Me: "Um, ok. I guess I'll just use the ones I have."

SSPl: "The ones that fell in the TOILET?"

Me: "Yeah. What else am I supposed to do? Sheesh lady."

SSPL: :: looks at me like I'm insane::

I walk away from the counter and think, hmm, that's weird. It isn't like I'm taking them orally.

Ten minutes later I get a call from my RE's office, (they're open on Saturdays and Sundays, God bless them!), asking why I'm trying to refill my CLOMID since I'm due for bloodwork on Monday.

::head smack::

Stupid pharmacy lady didn't listen to WHICH prescription I was asking for. No wonder she looked at me like I was totally disgusting, she thought I was talking about taking Clomid pills out of the toilet water and swallowing them! EW!

Rob and I laughed about that for about 10 minutes!

"Life can be wildly tragic at times, and I've had my share. But whatever happens to you, you have to keep a slightly comic attitude. In the final analysis, you have got not to forget to laugh."

-Katherine Houghton Hepburn

Spot Watch 4/25/2008...

Still NO SPOTTING!

I am trying my hardest not to think that it means anything for sure, but really my mind is racing. I tell myself, and others, that I would really just be grateful to not have any spotting, because I should be thankful for little blessings, right? I've dealt with it, with no explanation, for over a year now and I would be so glad if it was something as little as my progesterone levels that caused it (although why the hell have my tests always come up perfectly normal? Grr!). However, I'm straight out lying when I say "If the spotting doesn't show but its still a BFN, I'll be happy with at least that." I'm lying, lying, lying... I'll be crushed. It'll be like my body has PUNK'ed my ass big time, a la Ashton Kutcher, except I'm not a celebrity and it isn't really funny. My uterus will say to my ovaries,

Ute: "We really got her good this time!"
Ovie: "Yeah! What a sucker! PSYCH!"

...and then they'll high-five.

On top of that, I can't get my hopes up too much because I really don't have any symptoms whatsoever. At all. I'm tired, but then again I'm always tired. My job drains me and I don't think I've felt completely awake or alert since I started the damn thing in December. I know it would be early for symptoms, but couldn't I just have one bout of extreme nausea? Just one? Come sore nipples perhaps? No? Come ON!

Lastly, my quote is long this time and I know that some people they get a little miffed by the first part about being a better mother. For me it is not saying that I'll be a better mother than anyone but myself. I'll be a better mother than the me from two years ago, when we just began this journey. In a way infertility has been a blessing in disguise. Even it if doesn't work this time, or next time, or at all and we end up adopting our child, that child will know, its entire life, that it was wanted so desperately and loved so much, long before its life even began.

"Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.I have learned to appreciate life.Yes I will be a wonderful mother."

-Unknown

Spot Watch 4/24/2008...

Still no spotting! As we speak, I'm actually physically knocking on wood with one hand any typing with the other. Seriously! Why? Well, you know how I said in my blog yesterday that my face has been so clear and I haven't had a blemish since I started drinking my gallons of water a day? Guess what I got today? A zit on my chin. Not just any old zit either. This one is a doozy, one of those big, under the skin ones that makes my entire chin throb. I jinxed myself!!! I'm SO hoping I've only jinxed myself with the zit part and not the spotting part.

Three more days until my beta. Three more days of possibly being pregnant. I can't wait for them to be over, yet I don't want to letlet go of the possibility either.

Tune in tomorrow for more Spotwatch!

"Dum spiro, spero (While I breathe, I hope)"

-Latin Proverb

Spot Watch 4/23/2008...

Every cycle I usually start spotting anywhere from 7dpo to 10 dpo. Well, I'm 9dpiui and there is no sign of spotting. Hopefully I'm not jinxing myself by posting this, but I'm SO CLOSE to at least reaching a milestone of not starting the spotting when I usually do that I can barely contain my excitment.

On the flip side, I'm absolutely TERRIFIED every time I use the bathroom, which is a lot because I drink more water than any normal human should. I carry these two huge water bottles to our water cooler at work every morning and drink them throughout the day. Drinking my water keeps me from eating constantly, what can I say... I'm apparently orally fixated. On a positive note, the huge amount of water I consume daily have done absolute wonders for my skin, I really haven't had a blemish since I started drinking. I can say that my mother was actually right when she told me drinking water would make my skin fabulous, though I'd never tell her that, she's kinda of an "I told you so" kind of gal, my mother. The downside, I pee just about every 10 minutes at work. Since I work in entirely too close of quarters with my co-workers I'm sure they either think that a.) I'm a ranging bulimic or b.) I'm pregnant or c.) shooting up intravenous drugs in the bathroom.

How is that for a tangent? As I was originally saying, I am terrified to go to the bathroom, I'm so sure every time that I walk into the stall that the spotting has returned and my hopes will come crashing down. I almost don't want to drink my requisite two jugs of water so I just don't have to actually go into the bathroom all day long. Like I could somehow ward it off by holding it. How is that for skewed infertility logic for you?

Please send me ::STAY AWAY DAMNED SPOT:: vibes!

“Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.”

-Unknown

Damn Meds...

Does taking Progesterone make anyone else STARVING?!?!

I got home from work today and ate the following (in no particular order):

1. Pork Top Ramen

2. A half a pineapple

3. Chips and Salsa

4. A couple handfuls of little tomatoes

5. A handful of low fat Cheez Its

6. Leftover steak from last night's dinner.

7. A piece of my Tangerine Glaze Bundt Cake from Sunday Dinner.

So gross! I have turned into crazy, rabid, ravenous, non-stop eating pig. Now that I look back at that list I'm totally disgusted by half of it...and I'm still hungry. AND I had a late lunch! Stupid Meds, they're going to make a fat cow of me yet, pregnant or not!

"Nothing would be more tiresome than eating and drinking if God had not made them a pleasure as well as a necessity."

-Voltaire

The Dreaded Two Week Wait...

... is absolutely driving me insane, crazy, batty, nutty this time around. I mean SERIOUSLY! I am physically and mentally incapable of thinking about anything else other than the outcome of this cycle. I wish I could will my mind to think about something, anything, but I simply cannot. Let me give you a little peek into the madness that is my mind right now:

"Am I?"

"Probably not"

"...But maybe"

"What if..."

"Damn, don't get your hopes up"

"...But maybe"

"15% chance w/IUI... that isn't so great"

"...it is way better than less that 3% on our own..."

"What if I have twins"

"What if I have triplets"

"Where would we put them all?"

"Don't be silly"

"I could tell my mom on Mother's Day"

"I would BE a Mom on Mother's Day"

"Stoppit, you're just torturing yourself, remember LAST Mother's Day? Same stuff, difference day"

"...But MAYBE"

"Stop, JUST STOP"


It is horrible, this perpetual state of "maybe", this limbo that goes on during these two short weeks it absolutely agonizing. I read the T-TTC boards on the nest and see girls who announce that they're pregnant after their first IUI and I think, "Yes, SEE self? It CAN happen?" Then I see the ones that tried 2...3...4...5...6 times unsuccessfully and had to move on to IVF and the negative thoughts come back. IUIs are basically the end of the road for us, TTC-wise, and that end just keeps getting closer with every month, it is looming in the distance. So right now all my energy in this 2ww is directed towards thinking and praying that I get a positive outcome. Ha, ha...get it? POSITIVE outcome? See? I have stooped to new levels of craziness, as that isn't even funny. Today I feel like I just cannot be in limbo for another week, for another couple of days even. These two weeks feel like another 2 years of this journey and I'm tired.

It is funny how my blog title really sums it all up for me right now. Right now I am truly defined by A Baby? Maybe...

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us, we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be"

- C.S. Lewis

IOU For My IUI...

So today didn't exactly go smoothly...

Let me begin with yesterday morning when I went to take my OPK, as per my doctors instructions I use my second pee of the morning. This proves to be way trickier than instructed on my pamphlet. First of all, I pee at 7:00 every morning when I wake up. Normal no? Well instructions from my RE say "use second urine of the morning" which would be easier said than done except for the instructions on the OPK package instructs me to hold it for four hours and NOT drink anything (skip my morning tea??) before using my OPK. On top of it all I apparently must force myself to pee even though I've had nothing to drink BEFORE 10:00 in the MORNING. So let me break this down, pee once, no drinking all morning no tea or water or ANYTHING, then pee again even though you have nothing TO PEE all before 10:00. Easy!

So Sunday morning, I try and do this but get barley a trickle. ARGH! It blinks, indicating it is working and comes up with a negative. So I think I'm in the clear. However, my body begs to differ and gives me crazy ovulation pains all day long. So me, completely defying doctors clear instructions to "Please only test in the morning", test again last night around 6:30. Positive. Crap! What does this mean? I stress about it all night long and call the nurse first thing in the morning, she of course asks if I've taken one this morning. Seriously? It is 8 am how could I have pee for a second time WITHOUT DRINKING ANYTHING YET? These are medical professionals, do they not know that in order to pee you have to actually drink something? I say no. She is sure that tomorrow will be fine for my IUI but tells me to call if there is a negative when I actually take my OPK. She schedules Rob for 7:30 am Tuesday morning and me for 9:30 which is great because he won't even be late for work and I'll have time to tell my boss I'll need to leave for a couple hours.

Of course that would just be too easy. I finally work up a full enough bladder to pee around 11:45 (yes, it DOES take me that long!) and guess what, it is now negative. ?!#$%! So now I have to go stand outside my office (nosy co-workers do not need to know the status of my ovaries) and call the doctor's office, who decide that we should come in today, like now. Can your husband come right now? Now? Of course he can, he is sitting at home eating bonbons, he'll be right down. I call Rob.

Me: "Can you please go down and do it now?"

Rob: "NOW?"

Me: "Yes now!"

Rob: "Are you kidding?"

Me: "Um...No."

Rob: "ARGH. What the hell? I can't get out of here until 1:00, so I wouldn't be able to get in until 1:30. What am I supposed to tell my boss?"

Me: "I'm sorry my BODY IS NOT COOPERATING. We can just cancel it this month if you can't make it ::cue the wobbly voice and start of the tears as I begin to lose it::"

Rob: "No no no! I'll make it. Call them and see if they can get my in at 1:45"

This is not how I imagined the conception of our child. Candles, some sexy lingerie, snuggling afterwards NOT arguing on the phone about the short notice of him needing to give a sperm sample. The doctor's office makes his appointment for 1:45 and mine is at 2:30.

I head downtown at 1:45 only to get a frantic call from Rob at 1:50.


Rob: "Where is this place!!!?? What is the cross street?"

Me: "Are you KIDDING ME? I told you a million times last time, you've been there three times and you can't find the damn place? AND IT IS ALREADY 1:50 AND YOU'RE NOT THERE YET?"

Rob: "I got here as fast as I could!!! Don't get mad at me"

Me: "Lovejoy! It is on LOVEJOY! Just like it was LAST TIME!"

Rob: "Alright I'm running in now."

So that is it. He gave his and ran back to work, I went in and the doctor shot me up. And that was is. No candles and lingerie but as Rob told me when I called him afterwards, "it is the outcome that matters." Which is true, it isn't like this is our only...er...intimate interaction, it is just unfortunate that those interactions cannot produce a baby. We've also been instructed to have sex tonight, which I believe is a ploy by doctors to let couples think that maybe, just maybe it wasn't the IUI done in a cold, sterile room with strangers, and that maybe that time it worked. One would never know for sure now would they? It is a nice enough sentiment, if this actually works this month I might just let myself believe it.

I also found out today that my insurance is not only covering basically no other diagnostics, but they do not cover "artificial insemination" as they told me. Lovely, they can't even use the correct terminology in their email to me. So we're basically paying for this totally out of pocket from now on. An IOU for my IUI. Let's hope this works! I could use all you've got for this cycle, hopes, prayers, good vibes...the whole shebang.

"You should've gone to China, you know, 'cause I hear they give away babies like free iPods. You know, they pretty much just put them in those t-shirt guns and shoot them out at sporting events."

-Juno (which happens to come out tomorrow on DVD!)