Why Hello There, It's Been Awhile...

Warning: We're about to get personal with bodily functions.

So, for the first time in 21 months, over a year and a half, its that time of the month. That's right, you guessed it, my period. Why hello there Aunt Flo, it's been awhile. Why don't you pull up a chair and stay for awhile, say like...7 days?

You may wonder why I'm posting this. I myself thought twice about doing it, but only did so for one reason. This is the first time in almost four years that it wasn't a bad thing. It's so strange. I'm wondering in anyone out there who has dealt with infertility felt the same mix of emotions the first time it came back.

I mean, no one welcomes this time of the month. In AF's two year hiatus I'd forgotten how much cramps H.U.R.T and had also conveniently forgotten that I turn into something that resembles a rabid, raging bull for at least three days. Poor Rob. The worst part is I know I'm doing it and simply cannot stop myself. For example:

Rob: "I found your car keys, they were in the fridge. Why would you put them there?"
Me: "ROOOOOAAAAR. RAAAAGGE. ROOOAAAAR." ::sulk sulk sulk::

I snap back at this most harmless comments, stew and steam about anyone who dares disagree with me. I have to make a concerted effort to not be a complete bitch. Which renders me exhausted. So there here I am, cranky, exhausted and feel like I'm being constantly headbutted in the uterus and punched in the ovaries, and them racked with guilt at my waspishness and woefully apologetic afterward on top of it. Isn't Rob a lucky guy?

It is still really strange though. This time there is no "You're NOT PREGNANT...AGAIN. DO NOT PASS GO. DO NOT COLLECT A BABY. FAIL...AGAIN." No hurt. No tears. No hoping that it was actually implantation spotting. No imagining symptoms. No thinking ahead to the next cycle, the next month, counting the days. No ovulation predictor. No next round of Clomid. No doctor's appointment. None of that, for the first time in years.

All I could think of was...wow, you know what this means? This means I'm not pregnant and that is completely OK. It's like letting go of that old infertile feeling, and damn, it feels good. On top of it all, this means that my body can (most likely, with some help) get pregnant again. Who knows when, and who knows how long it will take or when we'll even start trying again, but I'm back on track. So strange to think about. And, even through my AF induced crankiness, super exciting to think of as well.

Someday there will be another baby...babies. There will be a big family of us. A house filled with love and children and happiness. Lucy has completed this little family, but I want more for her just as much as I want it for myself. I want her to be one of a gaggle of brothers and sisters who fiercely quarrel and even more fiercely love. Whisper secrets to one another. Stick up for each other. Make mud pies and run in the rain barefoot together. Wait for Santa. Be the best of friends in the worst of times.There will be more babies, even if they don't all come from me and Rob, there will be more and it will be amazing. In a strange way it's a new beginning.

Did anyone else out there feel the same way?

"You won't realize the distance you've gone until you look around and realize how far you've been."
-Unknown

Congratulations to YOU Anonymous!...

In my comments from my whiny, complainer post on Tuesday was this:

"Maybe this will make you feel better: after 3 years of trying to conceive, I found out TODAY that my IVF was successful. I'M PREGNANT!!! "

...from an Anonymous reader. Thank you Anon, your comment made me smile from ear to ear when I read your news. It made me think about the moment I stood in our bathroom in the early morning hours on that April morning and stared and stared at that positive pregnancy test in blissful, incredulous disbelief.

Oh Anonymous, congratulations to you!! Best wishes for a healthy and happy pregnancy. Savor it...it goes by so fast and then before you know it you will have this amazing little person and your life will never , ever be the same in all of the best ways possible. I don't know you from Adam but I am so happy for you. Honestly, you will look back on the last three years and will know that it was worth every second of disappointment and heartbreak, and strangely enough you wouldn't change it for the world.

" Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself..."How did I get through all of that?"
-Anonymous

Flashback...

Last year at this time I was in the dreaded limbo of the two week wait. Wow. I cannot even remember how it felt to be trying and trying without succeeding for what seemed like forever.

Motherhood is everything that I had hoped and dreamed of and so, so much more than I ever expected. My floor needs mopping, I have three loads of laundry to do and I should get out into the garden and weed, not to mention my blog needs updating more often...but right now I have a tiny precious person sleeping on my bed and there is nothing more amazing and wonderful than when she opens up her eyes and smiles when she sees me.

I can't seem to remember how I felt last year or how difficult the journey was, maybe that is because I can now see that it was all part of a greater plan. Waiting DID make it all the much more worth it and my Lucy was SO worth the wait. It doesn't get any better than this.

"I've got sunshine

On a cloudy day,
When it's cold outside,

I've got the month of May.

Well, I guess you'll say

What can make me feel this way?

My girl.
Talkin' 'bout my girl.

I've got so much honey

The bees envy me.

I've got a sweeter song

Than the birds in the trees.

Well, I guess you'll say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl. "

-The Temptations "My Girl"

Regret...

So as soon as I posted my whiny headache post the other day I felt like an idiot. There are girls out there, and I used to be one of them, probably thinking "Beyotch, snap out of it, I would do anything, ANYTHING to be in your place. I dream of a pregnancy related headaches, morning sickness and stretch marks." And they are so, so right.

Rewind to me, 4 months ago. I would have given anything, ANYTHING to finally be pregnant and now here I am, amazingly, wonderfully pregnant after two years of trying and infertility, and what do I do? Whine. It sucked big time, 5 days straight of a headache that honestly made me feel like absolute shit for 24 hours a day, but compared to the deep pain of infertility is like comparing a stubbed toe to a broken leg.

I still feel the sting of infertility, even while pregnant. My belly is growing, but I still can't 100% believe that it is actually happening to us. On top of that, I still feel like something could go wrong at any time, crushing these hopes and dreams we've so carefully crafted over the last couple of months. That is one of the things that IF does to you, makes you doubt your own body constantly, and I'm sure I will...up until the moment we get to hold Baby M safe and sound in our arms.

“Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh.”

-Henry David Thoreau

The Dreaded Two Week Wait...

... is absolutely driving me insane, crazy, batty, nutty this time around. I mean SERIOUSLY! I am physically and mentally incapable of thinking about anything else other than the outcome of this cycle. I wish I could will my mind to think about something, anything, but I simply cannot. Let me give you a little peek into the madness that is my mind right now:

"Am I?"

"Probably not"

"...But maybe"

"What if..."

"Damn, don't get your hopes up"

"...But maybe"

"15% chance w/IUI... that isn't so great"

"...it is way better than less that 3% on our own..."

"What if I have twins"

"What if I have triplets"

"Where would we put them all?"

"Don't be silly"

"I could tell my mom on Mother's Day"

"I would BE a Mom on Mother's Day"

"Stoppit, you're just torturing yourself, remember LAST Mother's Day? Same stuff, difference day"

"...But MAYBE"

"Stop, JUST STOP"


It is horrible, this perpetual state of "maybe", this limbo that goes on during these two short weeks it absolutely agonizing. I read the T-TTC boards on the nest and see girls who announce that they're pregnant after their first IUI and I think, "Yes, SEE self? It CAN happen?" Then I see the ones that tried 2...3...4...5...6 times unsuccessfully and had to move on to IVF and the negative thoughts come back. IUIs are basically the end of the road for us, TTC-wise, and that end just keeps getting closer with every month, it is looming in the distance. So right now all my energy in this 2ww is directed towards thinking and praying that I get a positive outcome. Ha, ha...get it? POSITIVE outcome? See? I have stooped to new levels of craziness, as that isn't even funny. Today I feel like I just cannot be in limbo for another week, for another couple of days even. These two weeks feel like another 2 years of this journey and I'm tired.

It is funny how my blog title really sums it all up for me right now. Right now I am truly defined by A Baby? Maybe...

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us, we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be"

- C.S. Lewis

IOU For My IUI...

So today didn't exactly go smoothly...

Let me begin with yesterday morning when I went to take my OPK, as per my doctors instructions I use my second pee of the morning. This proves to be way trickier than instructed on my pamphlet. First of all, I pee at 7:00 every morning when I wake up. Normal no? Well instructions from my RE say "use second urine of the morning" which would be easier said than done except for the instructions on the OPK package instructs me to hold it for four hours and NOT drink anything (skip my morning tea??) before using my OPK. On top of it all I apparently must force myself to pee even though I've had nothing to drink BEFORE 10:00 in the MORNING. So let me break this down, pee once, no drinking all morning no tea or water or ANYTHING, then pee again even though you have nothing TO PEE all before 10:00. Easy!

So Sunday morning, I try and do this but get barley a trickle. ARGH! It blinks, indicating it is working and comes up with a negative. So I think I'm in the clear. However, my body begs to differ and gives me crazy ovulation pains all day long. So me, completely defying doctors clear instructions to "Please only test in the morning", test again last night around 6:30. Positive. Crap! What does this mean? I stress about it all night long and call the nurse first thing in the morning, she of course asks if I've taken one this morning. Seriously? It is 8 am how could I have pee for a second time WITHOUT DRINKING ANYTHING YET? These are medical professionals, do they not know that in order to pee you have to actually drink something? I say no. She is sure that tomorrow will be fine for my IUI but tells me to call if there is a negative when I actually take my OPK. She schedules Rob for 7:30 am Tuesday morning and me for 9:30 which is great because he won't even be late for work and I'll have time to tell my boss I'll need to leave for a couple hours.

Of course that would just be too easy. I finally work up a full enough bladder to pee around 11:45 (yes, it DOES take me that long!) and guess what, it is now negative. ?!#$%! So now I have to go stand outside my office (nosy co-workers do not need to know the status of my ovaries) and call the doctor's office, who decide that we should come in today, like now. Can your husband come right now? Now? Of course he can, he is sitting at home eating bonbons, he'll be right down. I call Rob.

Me: "Can you please go down and do it now?"

Rob: "NOW?"

Me: "Yes now!"

Rob: "Are you kidding?"

Me: "Um...No."

Rob: "ARGH. What the hell? I can't get out of here until 1:00, so I wouldn't be able to get in until 1:30. What am I supposed to tell my boss?"

Me: "I'm sorry my BODY IS NOT COOPERATING. We can just cancel it this month if you can't make it ::cue the wobbly voice and start of the tears as I begin to lose it::"

Rob: "No no no! I'll make it. Call them and see if they can get my in at 1:45"

This is not how I imagined the conception of our child. Candles, some sexy lingerie, snuggling afterwards NOT arguing on the phone about the short notice of him needing to give a sperm sample. The doctor's office makes his appointment for 1:45 and mine is at 2:30.

I head downtown at 1:45 only to get a frantic call from Rob at 1:50.


Rob: "Where is this place!!!?? What is the cross street?"

Me: "Are you KIDDING ME? I told you a million times last time, you've been there three times and you can't find the damn place? AND IT IS ALREADY 1:50 AND YOU'RE NOT THERE YET?"

Rob: "I got here as fast as I could!!! Don't get mad at me"

Me: "Lovejoy! It is on LOVEJOY! Just like it was LAST TIME!"

Rob: "Alright I'm running in now."

So that is it. He gave his and ran back to work, I went in and the doctor shot me up. And that was is. No candles and lingerie but as Rob told me when I called him afterwards, "it is the outcome that matters." Which is true, it isn't like this is our only...er...intimate interaction, it is just unfortunate that those interactions cannot produce a baby. We've also been instructed to have sex tonight, which I believe is a ploy by doctors to let couples think that maybe, just maybe it wasn't the IUI done in a cold, sterile room with strangers, and that maybe that time it worked. One would never know for sure now would they? It is a nice enough sentiment, if this actually works this month I might just let myself believe it.

I also found out today that my insurance is not only covering basically no other diagnostics, but they do not cover "artificial insemination" as they told me. Lovely, they can't even use the correct terminology in their email to me. So we're basically paying for this totally out of pocket from now on. An IOU for my IUI. Let's hope this works! I could use all you've got for this cycle, hopes, prayers, good vibes...the whole shebang.

"You should've gone to China, you know, 'cause I hear they give away babies like free iPods. You know, they pretty much just put them in those t-shirt guns and shoot them out at sporting events."

-Juno (which happens to come out tomorrow on DVD!)

The Elephant In the Room...

During this 2 year long journey from TTC to infertility I have told a couple people here and there about our quest. Only a couple very close friends know, most recently I grudgingly told my co-worker who is the Benefits Administrator in my department since I needed her to help out with my IF coverage. It isn't that I'm hiding it, or ashamed of it, I just have never felt the need to share this very private issue with the world...

Hmm...I kind of do share it with the world don't I? Let me rephrase that. I have never felt the need to share this with real live people I see and talk to every day in my world. People I mostly likely will never meet on the internet do not count! Yes, I see the irony in this statement. I can share this with hundereds of complete strangers but not my own mother. Crazy, yes. I know, but you don't know my mother.

Two years of TTC and a year of IF treatments and I've haven't even given her a hint about what is going on. Really, I probably should have told her in the very beginning, or when the first inkling of a problem began to form in my mind. Now that we've hit the two year mark I feel like we've gone too far. Like it is too late to tell her. Too big of a secret. I usually tell my mom everything, but in the beginning this was just for Rob and I. As time progressed I didn't share because she had enough on her plate and I didn't want to stress her with my fears about not being able to get pregnant. Now, I'm afraid she will feel like I've been hiding this huge thing from her, it is the elephant in the room.

I go over to dinner to her house almost every Tuesday when Rob is wrestling. For the past couple Tuesdays I have sat on the bar stool in the kitchen that I grew up in while she cooks dinner,

"Mom, there is something I need to tell you."

That is all it would take. Just those words. They are literally on the tip of my tongue. I just cannot seem to coax them out of my mouth. What if she is upset? We've gone through drugs, treatments, procedures, doctors visits...all without confiding in her. What if she is disapproving of our treatment? Not that it is her decision, but my mother is an extremely opinionated person who is very quick to judge on medical issues.

"It took me 20 years to get pregnant"
"It will happen when the time is right"
"What is your rush?"
"You don't have the money for this"
"You need a second opinion"
"You should not be taking fertility drugs"
"How do you know what this is doing to your body"
"The US health system is so corrupt, they're just trying to get all your money"
"Maybe your body is trying to tell you this isn't the right time"

I want to tell her. I do. But I also don't need any of those reactions right now, even with the chance she would be completely supportive and accepting of our choices. I just can't take the risk, for my sanity. So there I sit, every week, biting my tongue and talking about weather, work, and whatever else, trying to act like everything is normal and everything is fine while the elephant stands in the corner...waiting to be introduced.

"If you reveal your secrets to the wind you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees. "

-Kahil Gibran

Better Late Than Never...

So I left work early on Wednesday and Rob was going to meet me downtown to go to our much anticipated RE appointment. It was the first appointment he's ever gone to with me, and other than his sperm analysis last summer he had to go in for, it is his first infertility related appointment. Here is how it went...

I got downtown half an hour early, I think it was the excitement and the nerves that made it just impossible for me to sit at work for any longer than humanly necessary that day. I parked and walked into the building where the offices were, but I didn't want to go in all by myself. How ridiculous is that? I've been to a million appointments by myself, and this one I just couldn't go in. Instead sat on the bench by the elevator and called Rob for the millionth time that day. The first 999,999 times I was asking him if he knew how to get there, when he was going to leave, again " Are you SURE you remember how to get here?"

After I had confirmed that, yes, he did in fact know how to get there since I had told him a couple times earlier that day I sat and waited for him on the bench. As I waited quite a few couples came in and out of the office. I tried not to stare but they intrigued me. I kept thinking "Wow, all of these people are in the same boat as us." It is pretty funny, even after talking to hundreds of women having trouble trying to get pregnant on message boards and reading the IF blogs, infertility is still a really insular thing. For some strange reason it surprised me the amount of couples that went in and out of this office. Really young, not so young and some that were downright old. I swear, one man and wife looked like they just may be senior citizens. I do realize that we're really not the only infertiles in the Portland-Metro area, but it just caught me off guard.

It turns out that Rob did know how to get there. He arrived 5 minutes after my last nagging phone call instructing him exactly how to get into the parking garage. I was so glad to see him, even though he was covered head to toe in mud since he had come straight from work.

Once checked in and in the waiting room we didn't wait long at all until we were called back by Dr. H himself, which sort of threw me off. I'm so used to being called back to a waiting room by a nurse and waiting even longer for a doctor. I've never actually seen a doctor walk into a waiting room to get a patient. We went back to his office and I immediately felt comfortable with him. We sat and talked about how long we'd been trying and went over all of our records that were sent to him. He said we had things that have some really positive things about us and also some things that were negative. Positive, we're young and healthy with no diagnosed problems. Negative, we've been off of birth control for four years and actively trying for two. Not so good.

Dr. H totally shocked Rob by telling us that a couple just starting out TTC at our age only has a 25% chance of conceiving every month, (I sat there smug, I totally knew that YEARS ago...HA). Then he shocked me by saying that after how long we've been trying, statistically, we have less than a 3% chance of conceiving naturally every month. That I did not know! We went over our options, IUI with Clomid, IUI with injectables, or IVF. Our chances with Clomid/IUI are 15%... which doesn't sound great compared to the 60% chance with IVF, but then again I don't have a spare $10,000 lying around. Too bad.

Dr. H was concerned about my hemorrhagic cyst that I had in November. He was worried that if it was misdiagnosed and the cyst was still there it might indicate endometriosis. He suggested we do an U/S since I was at the perfect time in my cycle,CD3, to confirm it was gone. Rob actually sat in on the ultrasound and let me tell you, his eyes went about as big as saucers when he saw the size of the wand. He was like "He's going to put that WHERE?" Yes, now you see what I go through Rob. Welcome to my world. It was nice to have him there, being a part of it and actually seeing that I'm not just skipping over to a doctor's office and having a friendly chat, in actuality that I'm being violated by a wand the size of a those clubs you put on your steering wheel to keep it from being stolen. Not so fun, especially when you're bleeding like a stuck pig on CD 3 and have cramps. The good news, the doctor found 5 and 6 follies on either side but no cyst! Yay!

We went back to his office after the U/S ,(I was really impressed with the amount of time he had set aside for just us), and went over Rob's SA from last year. We had never been given the actual numbers by my GYN, she had just said that "Everything looks good", which was always seemed kind of vague to me. And good indeed, his numbers were all well above what they like to see. Rob got all puffed up and proud of himself, and I had to make a concerted effort not to laugh. Guys and their sperm... so funny.

Dr. H told us that he would recommend starting with Clomid + IUI and see how it goes for the first cycle. I started Clomid on April 3rd, will start OPKs on the 11th and hopefully go in for my IUI around the 14th or 15th if my body behaves and doesn't pull an early ovulation on me. I really feel like this was such a good decision to finally get out of this rut we've been in.

Thank you for all the good wishes! Keep them coming for lucky IUI Cycle #1!

**** I was just about to end this blog when Rob walked in with a dozen roses and a card for me, just because. He is the best husband a girl could ask for. Instead of a quote I'll share what he wrote to me in the card...****

"Thank you for everything that you do honey. I love you so much. Don't worry about anything. We'll be OK, after all you're stuck with me forever. I love you!"

-Rob

Here We Go...

Our first RE appointment is tomorrow at 1:00. I am both excited and terrified. I will write a nice long synopsis tomorrow since it has been a long time since I've wrote a real "meaty" blog. Prayers, thoughts, vibes and anything else positive you can send our way is much appreciated! And here we go...

"A bend in the road is not the end of the road... unless you fail to make the turn."

-Author Unknown

Five Reasons I Will...

There are five reasons that I will get pregnant this cycle, and they are as follows:

5. I have done nothing in the way of predicting ovulation this cycle. No charting temperatures, checking cervical mucus, OPKs, CBEFM, green tea, mucinex, counting my cycle days, timed sex...nothing. Nada. Zip. Zero. I needed a break, we both did, from all the timing and scrutinizing We needed time just to be the people we were before infertility... and hey, we still got busy. It would just figure, wouldn't it? I'm going to be that person, "We stopped trying and POOF we got pregnant!" I promise you, I will never, EVER say that.

4. I have recently been put in charge of the brand spanking new Lactation Rooms for my company's two locations. Yes, I said Lactation Rooms. I, the infertile, must order baby magazines, cute out informative articles on breastfeeding and parenting for their reader board, ask employees for pictures of their little ones for the picture board, pick out decorations and cosy chairs so they can comfortably pump their milk and schedule the room for the incoming new mothers. This has GOT to be a sign. I'm practically making this room for myself in 9 months, right?

3. Every time I turn on the TV I see that stupid Clear Blue Easy commercial for the "most advanced piece of technology you'll ever pee on." Really. It is getting ridiculous.

2. I have been working out religiously all month long and I'm starting to notice a little bit of leeway in my previously tight pants. It would totally figure that the moment I start to actually try and lose the weight that the past two years has saddled me with I would get pregnant. Which, I might add, would be totally fine with me! Bring on the food cravings! Bacon anyone?

1. On our 2 year TTC anniversary, April 2nd, I have an appointment with a specialist.

There is one reason I may not be:

1. 2 years, 730 days, 17, 532 hours, 1 05,1 898 minutes, 63,113,852 seconds of NOT being pregnant.

5-1 odds. Anyone want to start betting on the outcome?

I just keep telling myself, there is always a chance. It is practically my motto.

"I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries"

-Theodore Isaac Rubin

Moving Forward...

Hello out there! Again I've been slightly MIA but I've been wrestling with a terrible case of bloggers block, but what better way to overcome blogger's block than to blog right? When you fall off the horse you just need to get right back on again. So here I am, with noting particularly inspirational or humerous to talk about, but I'm here nonethless.

So first, I have to share something that happened at work today that made me realize how much people don't realize that it isn't always easy to get pregnant. I was talking to one of the girls in my office about a mutual friend, here is the conversation:

Co-worker: "Is C. still trying to get pregnant?"

Me: "Yep."

Co-worker: "STILL? OMG how long have they been trying? It feels like FOREVER ago they told us they were going to try for #2! "

Me: "Well, I think its been 9 months."

Co-Worker: "That is soooo long. I never knew it was so hard to get pregnant, did you? It makes me worried! Doesn't that freak you out? It make me want to try soon so I'm not too old. Poor C.... By the way, when are you guys going to start trying to have kids?"

Me: "Er...um..."

So goes my life as an undercover fertile!

So right now I feel like we're at a standstill for the moment with our IF journey, but not for long! I've decided not to wait the three months post-HSG out as my GYN suggested. I think she's fantastic, but she's not exactly the most aggressive in moving forward and now that we actually have coverage for an RE I really think we should take advantage of it. I've asked around and done some research and am currently deciding between two of the top IF doctors in Oregon. I was thrilled to find out that both of them are in my health insurance's network of doctors! They have fantastic success rates which is so encouraging and is bringing the hope back.

I asked Rob the other day when he thought we should schedule a appointment and he suggested we wait until the end of this cycle. Although more than anything I'd like to make an appointment for, well, yesterday, I'm going to go along with it because really want Rob to know his point of view matters and that I'm not the one making the descisions. So far he hasn't had the chance to have a lot of input. Most of the treatment and testing so far have come from my doctor and have involved my own body, so I think by agreeing to wait this cycle out he gets to be an active participant. I mean, he's certainly an active participant in one way...get it? Ok, lame joke. We've agreed to make the appointment for the beginning of next cycle. Apparently these two doctors are really proactive and there would be a possibility of an IUI as soon as next month. I'm so excited at that possibility. I'm really hoping that this step forward gets us out of this limbo we're in. I feel so good about this, I really do!

“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up.”

-Anne Lamott

Forgive Me Bloggers For I Have Sinned...

... it has been over two weeks since my last blog. It's funny how blogging about IF is what I would imagine going to confession being like. You have all these pent up feelings and once you get them out in the open you feel cleansed, free of the things that were weighing so heavy on your mind that you can't just blurt out during everyday life. Blogging is my confessional.

Here's a long one...

I was never the type of girl who wanted to be a mother. I was the little girl who played with stuffed animals and Breyer horses instead of dolls. Rode my pony and spent hours mucking out stalls instead of Barbies and playing house. When I did have a doll it was never a baby doll. My dolls were friends, companions, confidants. When my childhood friends did force Barbies on me my Barbies led glamours jet setting lives without husbands or children. They were highly paid executives driving the silver Barbie corvette to their swanky office, while my friend's Barbies married Ken in elaborate wedding ceremonies and had little makeshift Barbie babies that were actually peanuts swaddles in Kleenex.

In High School I horrified my friends by saying I was never going to get married. I did not want to have children. I wanted to be a travel writer, a news anchor, anything that involved getting out of our small town and into the world. They would say "Oh, Bev... you'll change your mind!" But I was emphatic. Absolutely not. My single, childless life looked free and glamorous. I had my mind made up. The thought of being a stay-at-home mother horrified me. So traditional, so domestic. I looked down with disdain on the idea as simple, old fashioned and boring. That was never going to be me, no way. I watched the jets fly across the sky from the window of my classrooms and dreamed of the fabulous life I was going to have.

By college I had thrown the never getting married idea out of the window. I had fallen in love with the idea of being in love forever. How romantic. We'll both have fabulous jobs, live in a brownstone in New York City. Be connoisseurs of food and wine. I didn't dream about a wedding, but a traveling around the world style honeymoon. Italy, Scotland, India, Africa. My new outlook was even better than the original, now I would have a partner in crime.

Then the unexpected happened. The spring of my sophomore year my father was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. He was told he had two months to live. My whole world fell apart. My dad was absolutely everything to me. I transferred to a local school to be closer to my parents. My grades fell. Gone was the Dean's List, the Journalism major dropped. I was lost. The glamous job didn't seem to matter anymore. My escape plan from the suburbs from Oregon faded into a distant memory. The next couple months was spent watching my dad, who was my hero, the strongest man I knew, fight with everything he had against this disease that was slowly and painfully killing him. He refused to give up, and fought it even up to the sunny July day when he passed away in the house I grew up in.

My outlook on life was dramatically changed after my father's death. My delusions on grandeur disappeared with him. The ambition I once was so proud of seemed trite and silly. I transferred again, to a better school, but spent my junior year of college fighting depression and driving home every weekend to take care of my mother. I still did well in school, but my heart wasn't in it any longer. Losing my father had changed me. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted any longer.

One month after I graduated I met Rob. That was it. I knew I wanted to marry him the month I met him. I always scoffed at love at first sight but now I knew. I knew how my parents felt. That kind of love was no longer a mystery to me. When he proposed several months later I didn't hesitate to say yes. One night, after my poking and prodding him for input on the wedding plans , Rob jokingly said he wanted to name our child Macadamia. He was just being silly but I surprised myself when I started to think that having children wouldn't be so bad. I told Rob that he would have to be the stay-at-home dad. He laughed at me and agreed, pointing out that I was going to change my mind. No, I knew it. I wanted him to stay home with the kids. In a way I was still holding on to the shreds of my original dreams.

A year and a half after getting married we decided that we would start trying. I probably wasn't even ready for it then, it still scared the living hell out of me. The negative tests and AF showing up where almost a sense of relief mingled with the dissapointment... for a little while. It wasn't that I didn't want to get pregnant. It was the the thought of being a mother. Being responsible for someone else. The thought of actually having a child absolutely terrified me.

The silver lining of infertility is that now, almost two years later, I can safely say I'm still slightly terrified but completely and absolutely ready for this. I told Rob the other night that I think at some point I want to be a stay at home mom. He laughed out loud at my change of heart. I've come a long way from the silly little girl who didn't know that it is family that matters, not how much money you make, what your business card says or what kind of car you drive. I wish my dad was here to see it, my transformation. I can be both. I can be smart and I don't have to be Suzy Homemaker to be a mother. I'm just not that person. I still have dreams. I still have want to see more of the world. I can be a jet setting wife, a jet setting mother. It is the blending of two dreams. In the end it will be more rewarding that glamorous, but I'm ok with that.

This blog entry is dedicated to my dad, Patrick Greene.

Who made me realize that family is more important than anything else in life.

"In telling the story of my father's life, it's impossible to separate fact from fiction, the man from the myth. The best I can do is to tell it the way he told me. It doesn't always make sense and most of it never happened... but that's what kind of story this is."

- Big Fish

I'm Gonna Be A Supermodel...

I was talking to Rob the other night about the compliments we have had over the past couple of years regarding our reproductive organs. One doctor had said I had a "a really, really good looking cervix", his sperm were deemed"great looking" from his SA, and this last doctor said I had "beautiful" tubes.

Me: "Apparently we are the supermodels of reproductive organs."

Rob: " We are like supermodels. Really, really ridiculously good looking, but that's about all there is to us!"

I'm glad we're to the point where we can laugh about these things together. It feels good. :)

"I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is."

-Derek Zoolander

Hystosalpinogram Day...

So I had worked myself into a complete panic this morning about my HSG. I've heard so many horrible stories about it, and even my doctor warned me about painful they can be. Really, when you think about it, having a catheter shoved into your cervix and then having liquid forced to go north in an area where things usually go south is not meant to be a walk in the park. So I was totally terrified by the time I got into the room with the doctor.

10 minutes later...

RELIEF! It did not hurt a bit. NOT ONE BIT! I didn't even have a cramp. I've had paps that were worse than this, like the last one with the OB/GYN intern was way worse that this. In fact, the worst part when the doctor put in the speculum, which is always uncomfortable. What was even more of a relief was that everything was clear! The dye went through my uterus and tubes and spilled right out like it was supposed to. The doctor said my tubes looked beautiful, BEAUTIFUL! :: blushing :: I feel so lucky because I know that a lot of girls have had a horrendous experience with this and mine was seriously a picnic in comparison.

So I may not have any answers as to why we're not getting pregnant but at least I can check off the list as I get these tests done. Ovulation, check. Thyroid, check. Progesterone, check. Semen Anaysis, check. Ultrasound, check. And now...HSG, check!

So we're back to the business of babymaking. Apparently the 3 months following an HSG you are parituclarly fertile, so here we go!

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers!

"If it takes my whole lifeI won't break, I won't bend. It will all be worth it. Worth it in the end."

-Sarah McLachlan

Button it up ladies...

Funny thing happened at work today. We took our new hire out to lunch, poor guy, he's the lone man in a department full of twenty to early thirty-something women. Us girls usually have no holds barred coversations at lunch ranging from sex to our wild college days to ex-boyfriends to current gripes with our husbands to sharing too much information about bodily functions. With our new guy around we had all promised to tone down the girl talk a bit.

Lunch was going pretty well until we realized that we were all of the sudden SURROUNDED by babies. Literally..surrounded. I'm kid you not. There were at least five or six women, milling around our table with either brand new babies in slings, strollers or car seats. It was bizarre. One of the girls, who has a one year old, said "Oh my goodness, look at all the babies!!!" She paused and said, "Seriously, I want to have another like NOW."

At that point our good intentions about limiting the girl talk went out the window and all of the girls began ooh-ing and ahhh-ing over the herd of babies. Everyone (except for my boss, our new hire and myself) started talking about how much they want to get pregnant. I should mention that most of the girls in the office are either pregnant or have been pregnant in the last year or are trying to get pregnant.

All of the sudden, my boss, a woman who dotes over everyone's babies but does not want any of her own, annouces, "NO ONE is having any more babies!!! I need you all!! Button it up ladies!"

At this point the poor guys looks absolutely terrified. I'm sure he was thinking, "What the hell have I gotten myself into?".

Poor thing.

I'm pretty sure my boss is counting on me to be the person who isn't trying to get knocked up... if she only knew the truth.

Anyways, it was pretty darn funny!

"We're not barren, we're reproductively challenged!"

-Charlotte from "Sex and the City"

Alone...

It is strange how alone you can feel when you're not actually by yourself.

AF started last night. Not a big shock. I knew it was coming, I expect it to show up 15 dpo like clockwork. My ovulation days may be screwed up but AF always shows on day 15. Although it is expected it is always like a knife in the heart...every single time.

The feeling alone part came right before bed. Ok, so I was a little moody last night. I was bummed. I was PMSing. I'm feeling the sting of the rapidly approaching 2 year mark. So we get into bed and turn off the light and Rob says,

"So, what's wrong with you tonight?" ( Let me add, he does knows that AF had just started that evening).

What's wrong? Hmmm. Let me think about that. What IS wrong? MAYBE it is the fact that I could have been pregnant almost three times over by now in the amount of time it is taking us to get pregnant once. Maybe it is the fact that we'll be celebrating two years of TTC in April. Maybe it is the fact that I have cramps so bad that it feels like my very emply uterus is being ripped out of my body. Maybe it is the fact that I have a HSG AND A FREAKING BABY SHOWER all within 48 hours of one another next weekend.

That is the answer I wanted to give. Instead...

"I guess it is just that time of them month."

Him, "Hmm, ok goodnight."

Me, "Goodnight."

He falls asleep within minutes. I lay there with tears streaming down my face feeling so incredibly alone. He is usually very supportive, albiet not quite understanding what the problem is, he still thinks it will happen when it happens. But it is starting to weigh on me, the feeling as if I'm the crazy one because it affects me so strongly, because it hits me so hard. Ultimately, what I need and what I want are answers but he can't give them to me. So I would settle for a hug or an "it's ok to feel this way". I just need to feel like I'm not crazy.

My HSG is Friday at 9:45, maybe we'll get some of my answers then. Good or bad I'll just be glad to have something to go forward with. Wish me luck.

"I don't know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every other part of my body is broken too."

-Missy Altijd

When it rains...

As an Oregonian I take the saying "When it rains, it pours" quite literally. When it rains here it actually does pour, and for long periods of time. However, this week has been quite lovely, weather-wise. Freeze your ass off cold, yes, but beautiful. Unfortunately, it was my life this week and not the Portland rain that brings this cliche phrase to mind.

For legal reasons I wasn't able to disclose why I was working so much in my last blog entry. Now that it is over I can talk freely about why my week sucked so bad, well, one of the reasons it sucked so bad. It can be summed up in one word... layoffs. I'm pretty sure it is a term that when heard, it is impossible for anyone in the HR field to not feel absolute dread.

For myself I don't think I can hear this word ever again without feeling physically ill. I've had some challenging jobs in my life but nothing is as hard as looking someone in the face and telling them that they are being laid off. The shock, the anger, the confusion, the hurt. It is all there.

I dealt with the angry ones best. When they're angry at you for something that you had no hand in, it is easier to remove yourself and simply get through your presentation in a matter-of-fact-way. The ones whose faces fell and hands shook while they held the severance packages, those were the ones that hit home. The ones who asked "What did I do wrong?" or the ones who told us "I just had a new baby" or "I just bought a new home". Those just about killed me. What also killed me was not being able to say "I'm sorry". I'm a compassionate person, a softie. All I wanted to do was tell them "I am so, so sorry" and I couldn't. The reasoning being that as a Human Resources person you represent the company, the company is not sorry, the company is doing what it has to do. To the company it is unfortunate, but by saying they are sorry they are admitting that there is actually something to be sorry for. So they cannot be sorry. As for me as a person, not an HR professional, I am so, incredibly sorry.

Aside from the heart-wrenching layoffs, I am absolutely exhausted. I had to get up at insane times in the morning for the layoffs. 4:15 am to be exact and would get home after 7:00 at night. To be fair I did have some breaks during the day, but I haven't have an actual day off since the Sunday before last. It is exhausting, both physically and mentally.

So that is the rain. Here is the pours. I ovulated last Thursday, CD 9. Holy early ovulation batman! The one and only other time I have O'ed on CD 9 in the past TWO YEARS was in November when I had my horrendous hemorrhagic cyst. So that definitely freaked me out.

Fast forward to yesterday, 7 DPO. Pink spotting. Not my usual brown but pink. Ok, weird. This would be so, SO early for my usual spotting so immediately my mind goes to...implantation? Could it be? Ok, so here is the point where I overshare. I spent my entire day inspecting my underwear for signs of my usual spotting. It was nowhere to be seen. Oh, the hope! It was there, I tried to convince myself otherwise last night when the spotting started. I didn't want my hopes up. It has been so long since I've actually gotten my hopes up. But it crept in today, without the brown spotting I let my mind wander to the possibility of implantation spotting. The possibility of a BFP right before the dreaded HSG scheduled for a couple weeks from now. The BFP after two years of trying. The BFP on my break cycle. We weren't even trying! I thought about it all day. My mind wandered to thoughts I haven't had in months, to baby names, to telling people the incredible news. By the time I got home I was almost convinced. Almost.

Other IFers will confirm this. When you first start TTC, you're pretty much convinced you are pregnant every single cycle until you get your period. When you're dealing with IF you're pretty much convinced you're not pregnant every single cycle until it doesn't show. Even then I'm pretty sure I won't be convinced. At this point, I don't even know if I'll believe my doctor when she tells me "You are pregnant". I'll need a re-test, just to be sure. I don't know how I'll wrap my head around it.

Tonight I was so hopeful and was almost convinced but the little IF voice in the back of my head was nagging at me, telling me to be realistic. My body is known for playing tricks on me. This is just another one of its cruel games. It is funny how when you're infertile your body turns into your worst enemy. As of tonight the brown spotting has started, same story, different day. Heartbroken, yes. Surprised, not at all. I've lost count but I'm pretty sure the score is Bev 0, Body 23....soon to be 24. I mean after this week is this really necessary? REALLY? Way to kick a girl while she's down.

On the other hand, I am still thankful. I still have my job. I didn't have to go home to my family and tell them I lost my job on Wednesday. I don't have to start from scratch after 10 years of working at the same company. For that, I am thankful. At least that does put things in perspective a bit. I think that they'll agree that, when it rains... it certainly does pour.

"God, grant my the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

- Reinhold Niebuhr

Pins and Needles...

Sorry for the lack in blogging, my life has been insane lately. Specifically my job has just been crazy. I'll be working well over 70 hours this week. All I want to do at night is come home and go to bed. I have to keep reminding myself that this is a means to an end, this job. It isn't that I don't like it. I love the people. The girls I work we are really sweet and fun and I know that if they weren't there I would be so tempted to turn tail and run away. I'm just not cut out for the corporate world. I feel trapped, tied to my desk. Stuck in a file room with no windows. Answering to people other than myself. I miss the freedom of being self employed, I truly do. I hate the fact that we can't go on a trip on a whim, or I can't take a day off whenever I like. Then I get my paycheck, which frankly wouldn't be coming with real estate, and I see these benefits that I'm getting an how we're able to go forward in our IF treatment and I know that it is worth it, for now. It isn't forever.

On another note, I started acupuncture this week. Although I'm going to be switching acupuncturists to one that is closer and one that is a little more in line with my doctor's treatment program, I think that it is going to be a really positive addition to our fertility treatment. The pins did not hurt at all and the relaxation afterwards was so nice I almost fell asleep on the table! The acupuncturist gave me some tips about my eating habits, apparently consume entirely too much dairy and she asked me to cut it out completely! Eek! I drink 2-3 glasses of milk a day and eat cheese like it is going out of style. I'm really going to miss it. Sad. Although I'm just not going to be able to cut out the tiny bit of milk I have in my tea every morning. My mother is British and I've basically been raised on black tea with milk and sugar since I've been a baby. I'm convinced that it was in my bottle as an infant! I've cut it down to one cup a day but I just cannot cut out that tiny bit of milk.

I had a doctor's appointment, my annual, the day after my acupuncture and my doctor was thrilled that I was looking into acupuncture. She is really into taking both western and naturopathic avenues to treat infertility. Since I'm looking for someone closer she gave me a recommendation for a naturopath that she works with herself and also a nutritionist who can help me with meal planning for the new diets that my naturopath recommends. It is really overwhelming when a person says that "you can't have this, this or this" but doesn't give you any suggestions of what you can make with what you can have! So I'm really looking forward to working with this nutritionist. As my doctor told me, "this isn't about you being *just* a womb. It is about you getting completely healthy while trying to get pregnant."

My doctor also gave me my referral for my HSG. I'm terrified, but glad that it may give us some answers or at least narrow down the possibilities of what is going on! I'll probably be having it in 2-3 weeks. I'm making my appointment on Monday. EEK! My doctor did say that if she was going to get it done, she would go to this doctor. She is the best in the state. So hopefully that will make a difference. I really feel like we're on our way where we have been stagnant for the past year. The HSG, then possibily a LAP or a referral to a RE. It is very exciting to going forward with this!

Also, something funny about my annual appointment. My doctor often works with med students who come in the room with her. So when the nurse asked if I minded, I said "no". After going to the doctor as much as I have in the past year I'm no longer shy and usually they just stand in the corner anyways. This girl came in by herself first, she was so obviously new at this. She asked me some questions about myself and how long we had been trying and after I told her how long she said, "You know, I hear all the time about how people just decide to take a break and they get pregnant or they are going to adopt and they get pregnant!" Hmmm. Thanks for that insight. She was a sweet girl but obviously hadn't worked with any infertility patients or she would know not to say that sort of thing. At that point my doctor came in and discussed my HSG and my acupuncture for awhile, then it was time for my pap. My doctor continued talking to me and I realized that the student was going to do the exam. Poor thing had no idea what she was doing and was digging around in there with the speculum like a dog looking for its bone. If it wasn't so uncomfortable I would have laughed. My doctor quickly realized that she was having problems and helped her out, but poor thing was totally unpracticed at this. I think next time I'll tell the nurse that the students can come in but I'd prefer that my doctor do the actual exam parts! Ha!

I might be MIA for the next couple of weeks. We have some big things going on at work that will make me a walking zombie until it is all over. Unless something exciting happens TTC wise I probably won't be writing until I'm through with all this craziness!

"Courage is not the towering oak that sees storms come and go; it is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow."

-Alice M. Swaim

Have a Happy WHAT?...

"Have a happy period."

Who came up with this gem of an advertising campaign? Whether you are TTC or not I know very few people who have "happy periods". If must have been a man. No woman would ever suggest that AF coming to visit it anything but a pain in the... well, you know. Sure, bleeding like a stuck pig while suffering through heinous cramps and biting my:: insert any person that might cross my path during this time::'s head off is a freaking lark. Dude, if I ever meet you I will punch you in the neck. No, I'm not kidding. Why all the anger? Oh... you know, it's that HAPPY time of the month. Idiot.

Note: There was a post about this on BOTB a couple months ago that was far funnier than my own. But I totally feel it every time I see that stupid commercial so I felt the need to write it out. Especially the punching the bigwig ad man in the neck part. That would be satisfying.

When you're TTC/T-TTC it is even worse. Every month when AF starts it is like a huge, blinking sign saying something to the effect of :

"YOU FAIL"

"DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT A BABY"

"TAKE THAT SUCKA".

Boo. I hate AF. It is NEVER a "Happy Period".

"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the priviledge."

-Unknown

The Way We Were...

I know this is my second post of the day, but I just felt like I needed let it all out. It helps, it really does.

I remember when we first started TTC. It was something that was inevitable, something that was going to happen in the next couple months. We were going to be parents. It was so exciting. We would look at the baby section of stores, giggling like pre-teen girls in the juniors department of Macys. We would lightheartedly argue about names, I constantly rallying for Lucy, Rob laughing and using his "power of veto". We painted the office a light, buttery yellow. I started considering putting my very non-baby friendly car up for sale. I couldn't wait for the Pottery Barn Baby Catalog to come in the mail. It was thrilling to see the women at the Farmer's Market, with their babies in slings and strollers, or with their pregnant bellies protruding out from under cute maternity t-shirts. Back when I could look at them without the sting of jealousy. Shower invitations only brought on a feeling of excitement since we were probably next. I would take a mental note the presents they received that would be great to register when my time came. It would be so soon. We would say things like "Imagine next time this year we'll we parents!" or "This may be our last Christmas just the two of us". Whenever people would ask us when we were going to try and have kids we would vehemently deny it, but give each other a secret smile...if they only knew!

Every major holiday and birthday I would think, "Oh, wouldn't father's day be the best day to tell Rob?" I would dream of telling my mother on her birthday... on my father's birthday...on mother's day... on grandparents day... on Thanksgiving...on Christmas.

The perfect-time-to tell holidays rolled by for one year, then another. The uneasiness set in. The endless doctors appointments began, I've never been to the doctors so much in my life... and it is only just beginning. Doubt about our baby-making capabilities slowly creeped in. Medications needed to be taken at certain days, certain times. Side effects made me cranky, emotional, and not myself. I stopped thinking up creative ways that I would tell my best friend. I put the two things I had bought for the baby into the closet in the guest room. The quilt for the wall that I bought from Red Envelope went back into the box it came in. The unbelievable soft lamb-shaped baby blanket that I would often take out just to touch has been stowed safely away. I haven't opened it for months now. I stopped pouncing on the Pottery Barn Kids catalogs and eventually they found their way directly into the recycling bin. I now walk by the baby department at Target with only a quick sideways glance. I feel a sharp stab of envy looking at the women at the Farmer's Market who have what I want so desperately. Do they see me? Looking at them? I wonder if or when it happens for us if I will recognize the looks in women's eyes. Women who are going through what we have went through. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to see it from a mile away. You don't forget that sort of thing. It is almost like a sisterhood, a sorority you never wanted to join.

A shower invitation, a Christmas card with a new baby in a Santa hat or sitting in the middle of Christmas lights(there were so many this year), a bulletin on myspace announcing the pregnancy of someone years younger than me, all make me blink back tears and push away the devil on my shoulder, "Why them? Why not us?". The jealousy is almost the worst part. You can't stop it, it is there with every pregnancy announcement. You can fake your way through it on the outside, inside it rips your heart out...every single time. When people ask us about TTC now I immediately change the subject. There is no more "when we get pregnant..." it is always "if we get pregnant". It isn't being negative. It is simply self preservation, steeling ourselves for the possibility of a outcome that does not include a pregnancy.

"But now old friends are acting strange

They shake their heads, they say I've changed

Well something's lost, but something's gained

In living every day"

-"Both Sides Now" Joni Mitchell