Gifts...

Hello there! I have some brand spanking new pregnancy symptoms to share. Hold on, do you call them "symptoms" once you are "diagnosed"? Someone answer this question for me. Lets call them gifts shall we? Better than symptoms I think and I am determined that no matter how bad the morning sickness or the tiredness, I will think of these things are a gift. After all, I asked for this!

New "Gifts"

1. Emo Bev. First of all, I'm actually not quite hip or young enough to actually know what emo means, but I think it has something to do with being emotional. My niece talks about how people are emo when they are particularly sensitive, and since that is me to a tee right now, I'm going to go with it. Now we're not just talking a little bit... we're talking all out cobbing, crying jaunts at the silliest things on earth.

Case in point: church on Sunday. At the end of church there is communion, and people are welcome to go up to the from as they please, but there's usually about three songs and then they're done. So Rob and I are standing there and one song goes by, two songs, then we're halfway through the third and he hasn't even made a move to go to the front. So I say to him, "Do you want to go up now?" He replied "Do you?" Wrong answer. All I wanted to hear was "yes" or "no", so of course I threw an absolute FIT in the car because I didn't understand why he would ask me that!!? WHY would I ask him if he wanted to go up if I didn't want to, why could he not just say yes or no, why could he not just make the first move to go up there, why do I have to make EVERY SINGLE FRIGGIN DECISION UNDER THE FREAKING SUN!!!! Then, as I'm driving down the road I totally lose it. I mean tears streaming down my face. OVER THIS! Irrational much? Poor, poor Rob is looking at my like I've grown a third head. He doesn't know what to do with this crazy person, I've always been a little bit crazy (refer to crazy Clomid Bev entries), but this is bordering on insane. I felt completely stupid but I just couldn't stop. Especially when the waterworks started, they just kept going and going. It was a rough day Sunday. I also broke down again because I was so tired I didn't know how I was going to do the laundry and clean the house. So I sat on the couch and sobbed "Thhe...ho-ou-ou-se...issss...so-uh-uh...diiiirtyeeee" ::sniffle sob sniffle sob:: I have turned into a crazy ball of hormonal mess!

2. Falling asleep at work. I find myself so tired that I start thinking, "Hmmm, I bet I could just close my eyes really quickly and no one will notice. Go ahead, just lay your head down right there next to the computer monitor. Just for a minute." So tempting!

3. Hello nipples! Now this part is probably way TMI but I've always had very nice, small, light pink nipples, they're pretty good looking if I do say so myself. Now? Welcome ugly tan colored nipples. And they look bigger...way bigger! Damn it! The boobs are supposed to get bigger, not the nipples! Who wants nipples the size of tea saucers if the actual boobs are only the side of, say, salad plates? Ridiculous! I'm sure this is way more information that some of you want to know, especially those that know me personally (sorry Linds and Meg!) but I have to keep it real, you know?

So that is it for now. My new pregnancy gifts that I am gladly accepting-- tears, tiredness, big brown nipples and all.

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present. "

-Babatunde Olatunji

Knocked Up...

So according to my doctor I am definitely knocked up. Ok, so he didn't really say it that way, but I AM! My beta just almost doubled in 48 hours, my number was 315.2. At first I was really concerned that it didn't double, until I was reassured by many that they like to see it double within 48-72 hours so... I'm good to get this pregnancy party started.

I haven't felt much in the way of symptoms. I get crampy here and there, which obviously freaks me out because they remind me so much of AF cramps, but as someone told me, think of it as if Baby M. is saying "Hey, I'm still here, just getting comfortable, stretching out and settling down for the long haul." Another symptom is that I can clean a plate like nobodies business. I've never been one to go to a restaurant and completely clean my plate, and be tempted to lick it clean, but I'm totally that person now. But I'm still keeping it healthy, so basically I'm eating a lot of healthy things not junk food, because I can easily gain 50 lbs. I was the girl who gained the freshman 50 instead of the freshman 15. I went from 100 to 150 from high school to college, I'm sure I could do it again...but I'm going to make a concerted effort not to. Other than that my only side effects from being pregnant are that since I've completely gone cold turkey on caffeine,(I know I don't have to but I'm not taking any risks with Baby M. we've waiting too long her him/her/them), I had a rough couple days of caffeine withdrawal. Horrid headaches and nausea that was so bad I almost thought it was early morning sickness, but it quickly subsided and I feel fine now.

I went to dinner with a friend tonight who does not and will not know that we're pregnant until we're out of the first trimester. Luckily I got to the restaurant before her and was able to order a gin and tonic, otherwise known as a sprite and lime, in order not to raise any suspicions. I'm not a huge drinker, but it would be strange for me not to have a cocktail or a glass of wine when out to dinner with my friends. The waitress was very understanding, when I asked her if I could have a sprite with lime, but if she could possibly refer to it as a gin and tonic when my friend got there, a look of total understanding came across her face. "Ooooh, you're pregnant! Don't worry, people do this all the time. Congratulations!" It was so exciting hearing those words. I almost wanted to look behind me to see who she was talking to, I'm still so not used to this and it still hasn't sunk in all the way. Although when I was drinking my faux G & T it started to feel pretty real!

After dinner friend and I went to my favorite store I cannot afford clothes to, Anthropologie. Guess what I did with every item of clothing I tried on in the dressing room? Stuck my stomach out as far as it would go to see how the top or dress would look when I start to show. And let me tell you, with the lovely current bloat I have going on, it isn't too far of a stretch to look a little pregnant. I didn't end up buying anything, but do have to admit, I looked pretty darn cute as a pregnant person!

My first ultrasound is scheduled for May 19th at 3:15 pm. I don't know how I'm going to wait that long. You'd think that after two years waiting 19 days would be a piece of cake, but unfortunately, even with two years of infertility under my belt, patience is definitely not my greatest virtue. I really do want to sit back and enjoy just being pregnant, and I will, I just want to know that Baby M. is growing and doing everything he or she should. It isn't that far away though. I'm not sure if we'll be able to hear the heartbeat since it will only be just about 7 weeks, but I am hoping and praying by some miracle we get to. And yes, I am totally going to cry like a baby when we hear it.

And just for fun... here is my 4 weeks, 2 days belly pic. And yes, I'm totally trying to suck it in because the bloat is killing me!

"Risk more than others think is safe. Care more than others think is wise. Dream more than others think is practical. Expect more than others think is possible."

-Claude T Bissell

Spot Watch 4/27/2008...

NO SPOTTING!!!

Beta tomorrow at 8:00 am.

"Alice laughed. 'There's no use trying,' she said. 'One can't believe impossible things.' 'I daresay you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen. 'When I was your age, I always did it half an hour a day. Why, sometimes, I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.'"

- Lewis Carroll, Alice In Wonderland

Spot Watch 4/26/2008...

STILL NO SPOTTING!

So with that update out of the way I have a funny story....

Last night when I was opening my prometrium,(to stick them where the sun don't shine), the top flew off and ALL the pills fell into the toilet. The TOILET! ARGH! I quickly scooped them out and attempted to dry them off but when I went to take one this morning I found that they had all fused together in a solid mass. I wrestled one off to take this morning (hey, the toilet water was clean and at this point I'm not going to get squeamish), but figured it would be a better move to just get some more. I don't know how water affects them and I don't want to take any chances.

So since they are "refill" as needed I went to the pharmacy to sheepishly explain why I needed to refill them 5 days before they were due to be refilled. I walk up to the lady, we'll call her Super Smart Pharm Lady, at the pharmacy counter:

Me: "Excuse me, I need to refill my prometrium prescription. I dropped mine in the toilet."

SSPL: "Hmmm, it looks like you don't have a refill."

Me: "Are you sure? I thought they were refill as needed."

SSPL: "Hmmm, no. We'll have to call your doctor. Which means they may not get back to you by Monday."

Me: "Um, ok. I guess I'll just use the ones I have."

SSPl: "The ones that fell in the TOILET?"

Me: "Yeah. What else am I supposed to do? Sheesh lady."

SSPL: :: looks at me like I'm insane::

I walk away from the counter and think, hmm, that's weird. It isn't like I'm taking them orally.

Ten minutes later I get a call from my RE's office, (they're open on Saturdays and Sundays, God bless them!), asking why I'm trying to refill my CLOMID since I'm due for bloodwork on Monday.

::head smack::

Stupid pharmacy lady didn't listen to WHICH prescription I was asking for. No wonder she looked at me like I was totally disgusting, she thought I was talking about taking Clomid pills out of the toilet water and swallowing them! EW!

Rob and I laughed about that for about 10 minutes!

"Life can be wildly tragic at times, and I've had my share. But whatever happens to you, you have to keep a slightly comic attitude. In the final analysis, you have got not to forget to laugh."

-Katherine Houghton Hepburn

Spot Watch 4/25/2008...

Still NO SPOTTING!

I am trying my hardest not to think that it means anything for sure, but really my mind is racing. I tell myself, and others, that I would really just be grateful to not have any spotting, because I should be thankful for little blessings, right? I've dealt with it, with no explanation, for over a year now and I would be so glad if it was something as little as my progesterone levels that caused it (although why the hell have my tests always come up perfectly normal? Grr!). However, I'm straight out lying when I say "If the spotting doesn't show but its still a BFN, I'll be happy with at least that." I'm lying, lying, lying... I'll be crushed. It'll be like my body has PUNK'ed my ass big time, a la Ashton Kutcher, except I'm not a celebrity and it isn't really funny. My uterus will say to my ovaries,

Ute: "We really got her good this time!"
Ovie: "Yeah! What a sucker! PSYCH!"

...and then they'll high-five.

On top of that, I can't get my hopes up too much because I really don't have any symptoms whatsoever. At all. I'm tired, but then again I'm always tired. My job drains me and I don't think I've felt completely awake or alert since I started the damn thing in December. I know it would be early for symptoms, but couldn't I just have one bout of extreme nausea? Just one? Come sore nipples perhaps? No? Come ON!

Lastly, my quote is long this time and I know that some people they get a little miffed by the first part about being a better mother. For me it is not saying that I'll be a better mother than anyone but myself. I'll be a better mother than the me from two years ago, when we just began this journey. In a way infertility has been a blessing in disguise. Even it if doesn't work this time, or next time, or at all and we end up adopting our child, that child will know, its entire life, that it was wanted so desperately and loved so much, long before its life even began.

"Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.I have learned to appreciate life.Yes I will be a wonderful mother."

-Unknown

Spot Watch 4/24/2008...

Still no spotting! As we speak, I'm actually physically knocking on wood with one hand any typing with the other. Seriously! Why? Well, you know how I said in my blog yesterday that my face has been so clear and I haven't had a blemish since I started drinking my gallons of water a day? Guess what I got today? A zit on my chin. Not just any old zit either. This one is a doozy, one of those big, under the skin ones that makes my entire chin throb. I jinxed myself!!! I'm SO hoping I've only jinxed myself with the zit part and not the spotting part.

Three more days until my beta. Three more days of possibly being pregnant. I can't wait for them to be over, yet I don't want to letlet go of the possibility either.

Tune in tomorrow for more Spotwatch!

"Dum spiro, spero (While I breathe, I hope)"

-Latin Proverb

Spot Watch 4/23/2008...

Every cycle I usually start spotting anywhere from 7dpo to 10 dpo. Well, I'm 9dpiui and there is no sign of spotting. Hopefully I'm not jinxing myself by posting this, but I'm SO CLOSE to at least reaching a milestone of not starting the spotting when I usually do that I can barely contain my excitment.

On the flip side, I'm absolutely TERRIFIED every time I use the bathroom, which is a lot because I drink more water than any normal human should. I carry these two huge water bottles to our water cooler at work every morning and drink them throughout the day. Drinking my water keeps me from eating constantly, what can I say... I'm apparently orally fixated. On a positive note, the huge amount of water I consume daily have done absolute wonders for my skin, I really haven't had a blemish since I started drinking. I can say that my mother was actually right when she told me drinking water would make my skin fabulous, though I'd never tell her that, she's kinda of an "I told you so" kind of gal, my mother. The downside, I pee just about every 10 minutes at work. Since I work in entirely too close of quarters with my co-workers I'm sure they either think that a.) I'm a ranging bulimic or b.) I'm pregnant or c.) shooting up intravenous drugs in the bathroom.

How is that for a tangent? As I was originally saying, I am terrified to go to the bathroom, I'm so sure every time that I walk into the stall that the spotting has returned and my hopes will come crashing down. I almost don't want to drink my requisite two jugs of water so I just don't have to actually go into the bathroom all day long. Like I could somehow ward it off by holding it. How is that for skewed infertility logic for you?

Please send me ::STAY AWAY DAMNED SPOT:: vibes!

“Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.”

-Unknown

Damn Meds...

Does taking Progesterone make anyone else STARVING?!?!

I got home from work today and ate the following (in no particular order):

1. Pork Top Ramen

2. A half a pineapple

3. Chips and Salsa

4. A couple handfuls of little tomatoes

5. A handful of low fat Cheez Its

6. Leftover steak from last night's dinner.

7. A piece of my Tangerine Glaze Bundt Cake from Sunday Dinner.

So gross! I have turned into crazy, rabid, ravenous, non-stop eating pig. Now that I look back at that list I'm totally disgusted by half of it...and I'm still hungry. AND I had a late lunch! Stupid Meds, they're going to make a fat cow of me yet, pregnant or not!

"Nothing would be more tiresome than eating and drinking if God had not made them a pleasure as well as a necessity."

-Voltaire