Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Regret...

So as soon as I posted my whiny headache post the other day I felt like an idiot. There are girls out there, and I used to be one of them, probably thinking "Beyotch, snap out of it, I would do anything, ANYTHING to be in your place. I dream of a pregnancy related headaches, morning sickness and stretch marks." And they are so, so right.

Rewind to me, 4 months ago. I would have given anything, ANYTHING to finally be pregnant and now here I am, amazingly, wonderfully pregnant after two years of trying and infertility, and what do I do? Whine. It sucked big time, 5 days straight of a headache that honestly made me feel like absolute shit for 24 hours a day, but compared to the deep pain of infertility is like comparing a stubbed toe to a broken leg.

I still feel the sting of infertility, even while pregnant. My belly is growing, but I still can't 100% believe that it is actually happening to us. On top of that, I still feel like something could go wrong at any time, crushing these hopes and dreams we've so carefully crafted over the last couple of months. That is one of the things that IF does to you, makes you doubt your own body constantly, and I'm sure I will...up until the moment we get to hold Baby M safe and sound in our arms.

“Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
-Henry David Thoreau

26 comments:

Lucky said...

Don't regret it. I'd be very frustrated with 5 days of a bad headache without any relief. I hope you're feeling better.

Your little one is safe and wonderful and will be in your arms before you know it.

And you will never stop worrying, even when you're holding your precious baby, you will never stop worrying. But that is what will make you a good mom.

Wifezzilla said...

You're right about everything, but it still doesn't mean you have to enjoy having a 5-day headache and nausea. And even someone who has not been declared infertile has doubts about her body. No worries, you shouldn't have any regrets.


And if anyone complains, they can suck an egg.

Shanny said...

There is no reason to regret!
As someone who suffers from migraines, I understand how miserable it can make you feel. You have earned your right to complain about it after such a long time of trying to get pregnant. We all know you appreciate being pregnant and how happy you are about it and we definitely know you can do without the headaches. Hope you feel better soon!

Emily said...

It's true that it's a million times better ot have a terrible headache than not being pregnant, of course. But reminding yourself of your struggle and being greatful that you are pregnant isn't acutally going to make your headache go away. It should, but it doesn't.

In conclusion, it's really ok to whine.

christina said...

I appreciate reading the ups AND downs of people's pregnancies. I realize that if it ever happens, not every day will be roses and butterflies and it's good to read both sides of things. Plus, I don't think anyone could ever question your struggle OR your obvious excitement and gratitude. I hope your headache has let up a bit!

Fertilized said...

You get to complain - it isn't easy

jlcumber said...

You had every right to whine and this post brought tears to my eyes. I am so happy for you and Rob and Baby M. It will all be ok and wonderfully perfect. Hang in there babe. Just wait until the hips start hurting! :)
xoxox

Jenny said...

Just because you've traveled the infertility road doesn't mean that pregnancy is a glorious romp in the meadow with daisies in your hair. There are many aspects of it that can be really challenging. And it's totally OK to not love that part of it, and tell us all about it! :)

Just Me said...

It may be the worst headache, but I know that it's still the best time of your life and you wouldn't trade it for the world!

Infertile or not, you are still a pregnant woman, and there are going to be tough days. Hang in there : )

sabrina's spot said...

Don't regret it. Pregnancy is hard work. You're creating a person, so it's very draining. Don't be surprised, there will be times where you don't want to be pregnant or go through this. It's very normal.

Everyone worries, that's just your Mothering taking into effect. Just know that your little one is with you always and God will protect you both. This too shall pass and you'll be holding your dear one shortly.

♥Shally said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. I struggled with infertitly for 6 years. I was SO HAPPY to get pregnant-- but pregnancy was the hardest thing I have ever done. I was SOOO sick. You can't help but complain when you feel like crap 24/7...

Heather said...

Just because the guy sitting next to you has a broken leg doesn't mean your stubbed toe hurts any less. Pregnancy can suck, heck babies sometimes do too. As long as you never regret what you did to get to this point and as long as you continue to be grateful for what you've been given, you have every right to complain about the crappy parts to your friends and random people on the internet. If we didn't want to hear it we wouldn't read your blog.

BECAUSEICAN said...

Don't regret your comments. Of course you'd rather be pregnant with a headache, than not pregnant at all. There are things about being pregnant that are difficult--don't think that you should have to 'suck it up' just because of the IF issues you have been through. Complaining about a horrific headache does not make you any less excited about this baby. As a fellow migraine sufferer--some days early on I was convinced that even childbirth couldn't be that bad...so don't feel you have to suffer in silence.

S said...

Oh...don't beat yourself up over it! We all know that when a pregnant girl is complaining (you or me or anyone else!) it doesn't mean that we are ungrateful. I think those that have experience IF or loss are some of the most grateful Mommies out there!!! Glad you feel better!

Amelia's mommy. said...

Bev-
First of all, congrats! I'm so so happy to see that after all of your trying and heartache, you get to expirence such a wonderful part of life. As someone who dealt with infertility for over a year, and had to have Clomid to get pregnant with my now darling daughter, I completely understand every feeling you describe.

I suffered with menstral migranes for years before getting pregnant. Once I was pregnant, about 4-5 months, they got worse. I ended out in the ER a couple of times with them. I understand your pain, but like people have said, don't let yourself think you're a whiner. While the migranes are nothing to childbirth :), it makes you just that much more greatful of what you've gone through. I miscarried before I got pregnant with my daughter, a month before. So I know the worrying part. Someone earlier said it doesn't go away, they're right. But it's a good worry :) You look AMAZING pregnant, and wear it well. Baby M is happy and growing and you've given them the best place to live! I just can't express how happy I am for you because I've been there! In looking at having another one, I get scared. I had a rough pregnancy, but looking back now it was worth it 10 fold. And I actually miss it! You'll do great. Baby M already loves you because you're their mom! I plan on keep checking back to read you stories, so I can relive my thoughts/feelings when I was pregnant with my little one. Congrats again! (sorry I went on and on...just brings back so many great memories!)

Anonymous said...

I sincerely doubt there is a single woman out there, suffering from infertility or not who would be mad at you for complaining about such a terrible migraine.

I've suffered migraines for years - been to specialists and been on several different medications. I know the pain of migraines, although admittedly not the pain of infertility.

Hon, you've paid your dues.

Just call me "B" said...

Bev,

You waited 27 months to get pregnant, so you have every right to live this pregnancy as much or more than every other woman...and that involves crabbing when you don't feel well :)

Anonymous said...

Struggling through infertility doesn't mean you then have to be a saint once you're pregnant.. you're human. But the fact that you are sensitive enough to other people's feelings, having been through it yourself, makes you a better person.

Erika said...

Don't you hate that feeling of waiting till the ball drops???

I still struggle with that after my dad's death and its been 5 years already!!

I think you never REALLY get over it, it will still linger in the back of your mind.

just as long as we don't let it consume our thoughts any longer we will be fine.

Hang in there!!!

Anonymous said...

and another thing - complaining doesn't mean you deserve this baby any less.

Cassie said...

You shouldn't regret your "whining." When Baby M is safe and sound in your arms, you'll read all of your pregnancy posts back and you'll be so glad you recorded how you felt -- even if that was not so good! Let's face it -- pregnancy, like infertility, is not an easy thing to go through. Everyone has to fight a different battle -- and, blessedly, now YOUR battle is getting through this pregnancy and not infertility. YAY!!

Kelly said...

I couldn't agree with this post more. I struggled with infertility for two years, and cringe inside every time I complain, thinking I don't deserve to have that luxury.

However, being pregnant and being a mom is HARD. There are things about it that stink, and no matter what you went through to get there, you deserve to experience all of it and let yourself feel whiny or bitchy or whatever. That's authentic, that's real, and that's why people like you!

Andrea said...

I just found your blog randomly. I have been T-TTC with PCOS for 16 months now. I can relate so much to what you went through and was just so uplifted to read your story. I actually cried when I read that you got your BFP. Tomorrow is my HSG - I feel so much less stressed about it after reading your posts about it.
Congratulations. Feel what you feel - I don't think that just because it took so long to get pregnant that we should act like its all roses. We've already been through so much already!

Harmony said...

your are completely allowed to whine a little!

i can't wait till you find out if your having a boy or girl! so exciting!

you are going to be a great mom! can't wait to hear more soon!

Anonymous said...

I agree with everyone! This is your blog - no one else's. Complain all you want! You shouldn't edit what you are feeling and going through because others are theoretically envious of your position. I would rather you keep your blog true to YOU and not to who ever else out there might or might not be thinking something snarky.

MonkeyButtWhat said...

Bunnies you are allowed to complain about a headache. IF does sting. But you are human and are pregnant. I felt bad complaining too. I had just started IF treatment when I got a bfp. I am so happy for you!

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