I rush home to pick up Lucy at the end of the day and she wants nothing to do with me. Refuses to nurse and reaches out for my mom when I'm holding her. It just about broke my heart (and my boob). My mom points out its because of my voice. I'm not calm enough, I'm not this, I'm not that. It's a constant thing with my mother, I am always doing something wrong. I finally get home at 7:00 pm after having to pry Lucy from my mother. Rob is still in bed (understandably, he was really sick) and what does Lucy do? Reaches for dad. No amount of cuddles will convince her to stay with mom and by this time I honestly think my left breast is going to peace out so I hand her over to Rob. I get in the shower and try to work out the knot, doesn't work. Damn.
After my should I try to get Lucy to nurse again. Fail. She wants dad. Screw you mom.
At 8:00 I get her ready for bed and try again and now that she seems maybe have a tiny interested in eating and guess what, nothing. Absolutely nothing. No milk. Now she's screaming, my milk isn't coming in, and I'm just about to break down and cry like a baby with her. I give up and put her in bed. She falls asleep immediately (I guess she didn't want to eat after all) and here I am. Totally insane blocked duct. No dinner. Mother to a baby who seems to want absolutely nothing to do with her. Husband who cannot for the life of him figure out why his wife is sobbing in the computer room.
Today I realized that this tiny person that my body made, that I carried for 9 months and for whom I have always been the center of the world, isn't always going to need me. I mean I'm sure today is just a fluke, that she's be "mom mom mom"-ing it up, reaching for me, and snuggling my shoulder like usual tomorrow. But this was the first time, the first time I wasn't the most important person in the room. It's funny but for these 9 months Lucy has really only had eyes for mom. It just made me realize, she's not always going to need me, she's not always going to want me around and that it is amazing how one tiny person can just about break you heart without even meaning to.
What in the world do you do when you just have one of those days?
Edit: She just woke up and all she wanted was "Momom"...man, I am so melodramatic! Chalk it up to lack of sleep and the damn blocked duct, which feels so much better now (since she was hungry as well).
“Change is never easy. You fight to hold on. You fight to let go.”
-The Wonder Years
-The Wonder Years