Monday, October 5, 2009

One of those nights...

You know, those one where you just can't seem to catch a break? That was my night tonight. Or rather, my crappy day today that proceeded to continue on into my night tonight. Lucy got a cold over the weekend, so she's been pretty miserable with a stuffed up nose and you know what that means, no sleep. So no sleep Saturday or Sunday night. Throw in the fact that Rob came down with the same cold, only 100x worse than Lucy's, and ran a raging fever all last night (it was like sleeping next to a space heater) and you've got a very tired and unhappy little family. Not to mention our power went out last night so no alarm clock this morning. That means I'm scrambling this morning, late to work, sick baby, sick husband... things couldn't get worse, right? How about a raging blocked duct. Wonderful. Now I'm at work, barely getting anything when I'm pumping and feel like my left side is going to explode.

I rush home to pick up Lucy at the end of the day and she wants nothing to do with me. Refuses to nurse and reaches out for my mom when I'm holding her. It just about broke my heart (and my boob). My mom points out its because of my voice. I'm not calm enough, I'm not this, I'm not that. It's a constant thing with my mother, I am always doing something wrong. I finally get home at 7:00 pm after having to pry Lucy from my mother. Rob is still in bed (understandably, he was really sick) and what does Lucy do? Reaches for dad. No amount of cuddles will convince her to stay with mom and by this time I honestly think my left breast is going to peace out so I hand her over to Rob. I get in the shower and try to work out the knot, doesn't work. Damn.

After my should I try to get Lucy to nurse again. Fail. She wants dad. Screw you mom.

At 8:00 I get her ready for bed and try again and now that she seems maybe have a tiny interested in eating and guess what, nothing. Absolutely nothing. No milk. Now she's screaming, my milk isn't coming in, and I'm just about to break down and cry like a baby with her. I give up and put her in bed. She falls asleep immediately (I guess she didn't want to eat after all) and here I am. Totally insane blocked duct. No dinner. Mother to a baby who seems to want absolutely nothing to do with her. Husband who cannot for the life of him figure out why his wife is sobbing in the computer room.

Today I realized that this tiny person that my body made, that I carried for 9 months and for whom I have always been the center of the world, isn't always going to need me. I mean I'm sure today is just a fluke, that she's be "mom mom mom"-ing it up, reaching for me, and snuggling my shoulder like usual tomorrow. But this was the first time, the first time I wasn't the most important person in the room. It's funny but for these 9 months Lucy has really only had eyes for mom. It just made me realize, she's not always going to need me, she's not always going to want me around and that it is amazing how one tiny person can just about break you heart without even meaning to.

What in the world do you do when you just have one of those days?

Edit: She just woke up and all she wanted was "Momom"...man, I am so melodramatic! Chalk it up to lack of sleep and the damn blocked duct, which feels so much better now (since she was hungry as well).

“Change is never easy. You fight to hold on. You fight to let go.”
-The Wonder Years

19 comments:

Nate's Mama said...

You know what? Lucy is always going to need you. Always. I'm 30 years old and I still need my mom. :)

Hang in there. I hope things go better today!

sassyshell said...

You poor thing! I don't think you're being melodramatic, when everything is going to pieces all at once it feels overwhelming and awful, which is completely and absolutely understandable.

And this? "It's a constant thing with my mother, I am always doing something wrong."

I so get it. We're expecting our first and that's been the general feeling my whole life from my mother, so I'm just waiting to see how it works once our little one arrives . . . I'm sure she'll have something to say about everything *I* do . . . Just the whole experience of being pregnant (this is my third time round and the first time all is working well . . . ) has raised all kinds of conflict between us. Sigh. I try to chalk it up to good learning about how NOT to be with my own daughter!

Hang in there! :)

Leigh said...

I am so dreading the day that my little girl favors daddy over me. I'm loving my mommy time! (She's 8 weeks today)

Glad to hear things improved a bit and hopefully you'll all feel better soon!

Anonymous said...

It's actually a good thing that she is connecting to other loved ones in your life--kind of takes the pressure off of you a little bit. It's can be a huge blessing but also tricky when a grandparent takes on a role as primary caregiver to your child--it's easy for them to forget that you're the actual parent and easy for the baby to get confused about who sometimes is who because your mom must seem so much like you to her.

The Crivella Family said...

Does Rob have H1N1? He sounds like he has the symptoms that my son had and sure enough my son was confirmed with H1N1.

Rebecca said...

I drink lots of wine...actually 2 glasses, but it feels like lots! I'm not nursing though...rough day. I hope today is better!

Mommy D said...

First off, breathe. Now, go to sleep, if you can.

With an almost 4 year old and a 9 month old I've had planty of those days, in fact had quite a doozy this morning! When all else fails and it feels like everything is stacked against you, laugh. I know it sounds crazy but it's the only thing that keeps me sane when my son spills chocolate milk on my dry cleaning, I realize I just ran out of mascara, the baby just threw up into my new heels, the car needs gas and I'm already 20 minutes late for work...

She adores you and that's all that really matters. They go through these crazy jags of "I must have mommy," and then switch it around and do the same thing for Dad. I'm sorry about the blocked duct.... Those hurt like hell and hopefully you were able to clear it. Keep your head up! You are an awesome Mommy!!!!

The Riggs said...

Hi there. I have been reading your blog since we were both TTC. I have never commented before but wanted to offer some encouragement. My daughter cries everytime we take her from the daycare providers arms. She is a sweet young girl who showers our daughter with attention every second. At first, it did hurt my feelings but I feel SO much better during the day because I know she is loving every second of it. Also, once she discovered she could push the exit button when we left it got much better :) From mom to mom, hang in there. Babies are very fickle! (Also I quit nursing when my baby lost interest)

Emily said...

Babies are fickle, fickle creatures!

Bridget said...

That was about the age that my son started to want nothing to do with me. Every time I went to pick him up, it was all about Da Da. It was nice though to see him finally wanting DH to hold him instead of me(don't get me wrong, it totally broke my heart, but I knew that day would come sooner or later).

Ellie said...

My baby is only a couple of months older than Lucy, and I am about to go back to work. When I read about you not getting home until 7pm, and then her basically going right to bed, it makes me sad. Is it really like that every night? Hardly any time with your sweetheart? Tell me you have some wise words for me about going back to work!

soxchamps said...

I had a bad day yesterday, but not like that! Poor girl, I haven't gotten a blocked duct yet but it sounds awful. I hated that realization with DD, she's so on the go now that snuggling with Mommy isn't so appealing. They grow faster than we're ready for, but if we had our say they rarely would! I hope everyone feels better and that you stay healthy.

The Niemeyer Nest said...

I just found your blog through a friend and I LOVE it. My daughter, Evie, is two weeks younger than Lucy. Motherhood is pretty crazy. I have been blogging for a few months and have found it a great way to document our life. You will be one of my new stops! Great blog! Hope you get some sleep tonight and that tomorrow will be a better day for you.

Ms. M said...

Thanks for such an honest post about motherhood... It was refreshing to read. I'm sure today will be better! :)

Robert and Carmen said...

Poor thing - hope everyone feels better soon! I've had a couple of clogged ducts and they aren't any fun! Hang in there!

Keri said...

I love your blog and feel your pain! My 13-month-old has days when she only wants Daddy. It's heartbreaking, but she always comes back to me:-)! I hope today was better for you.

Anonymous said...

Yes, when your child is in day care/full time babysitter they can get attached and it hurts. Your blessed you have your Mom to take care of her and not send her to day care. She know who her Mommy is, she just spends more time with Grandma so seperating from her at the end of the day may be hard sometimes.

Megan Elise said...

I thought I was the only one still getting plugged ducts at 9 months. I had a terrible one about a month ago which also happened to correspond with the one day Kelsie wasn't hungry when I got home from work and she head butted me right in the boob when I was trying to get her to eat. Luckily my husband wasn't sick so when he heard me cyring hysterically he came and got her.

teacheroftwos said...

OH Bev! I have so been there done that! I had a house full of sick kids and a husband for over a week now. My little Abby (5months)got her first cold, and all the others were running fevers etc. It was terribble. One minute she wanted me the next daddy! Same with my two year old. It does pass! I hope you are all well now!

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