Lately I've been feeling...scattered. I've got way too many balls in there air.
Something always falls.
Being a wife...a daughter...a friend. Work. The house. My pets. The bills.
Sometimes I keep them all up in the air for a short period of time, albeit sloppily, but something always falls. It's inevitable. When it does I can't help but feel like a failure, yet totally unsurprised.
I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror the other day and it wasn't a pretty sight, smudged mascara, frizzy hair, thrown together outfit, a body that is desperately in need of a good run (or ten). I used to care, I used to like stylish clothes and sleek, straight hair. Coordinating scarves and cute earrings.
I used to laugh with my husband late at night. Confide in my mother. I used to see my friends once. Snuggle my pets. The bills, well, let's be honest, they've always sucked.
My back, my legs, my neck and my head ache I'm so tired--and from the stress. My brain is a fog from working early in the morning and then logging on from home at night, trying to keep my head above water at the job.
I'm good at the mom thing, I know this, but I can't help feel the failure creep in when I've been dying to see Lucy all day and then I can't help but be just a tiny bit relieved at night when she goes to sleep because I'm just so damn tired. I put on the fun face while she's awake, play on the floor, splash her while she's in the bath, read her just one more story. No matter how tired I won't drop that ball. But that time at night, when she's sleepy and snugly and we just sit in the rocking chair. It's like exhaling after holding your breath for a long time. Breaking the surface after being underwater.
Yes, the dishes are waiting. There are diapers to be washed. Work is still waiting for me to log back on. My mother is waiting for a call. My friends are wondering where I went when I dropped off the face of the earth. My clothes are sitting in an un-ironed pile at the end of the bed.
But at least I have that time at the end of the day, with a snugly, sweet baby, to let me know its worth it. Even if I'm dropping balls like crazy everywhere else.
How do you do it?
"Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling five balls in the air. You name them - work, family, health, friends, and spirit - and you're keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls - family, health, friends, and spirit are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged, or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life."
-Brian Dyson, CEO of Coca Cola Enterprises