Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Rough Night...

...someone, anyone...please tell me this gets easier? This is worse than when I went back to work when she was 4 months old. I know, I know -- its just an adjustment and a lot of change for a baby but... its hard when she seems to want anyone but me. Not to mention it's also hard when she acts like I'm trying to murder her when I try to feed her. It was a rough night.

On that note, I was never the type that wanted to keep breastfeeding past a year. Hell, I'm shocked I made it a year (believe me, its been a challenge but that is another story for another day). But now its past a year it breaks my heart just a little bit knowing that fairly soon she'll be ready to be done and that there will be one last time to share that bond. I dwell on that one. last. time. I see it coming it makes me tear up a little thinking about it. Of course there is many, many more fun and exciting times that the future holds, but there is no denying that there's something special between mother and child during those moments and to see the end of those times is, well, a little sad.

::sigh::

Someone out there, please tell me that she'll start acting like she needs or wants her mama again soon?

“Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up.”
-The Wonder Years

29 comments:

Ashley said...

It will get better... Both of our children have gone through times when they MUCH prefer one parent to the other. Hang in there. I know it hurts your feelings, but just enjoy watching her from afar...it really is different than when you're holding them all the time!

Wendy said...

She will most definitely need and want you again, just in different ways. Even if she is done nursing (and she may be), she now needs you to teach her to speak, walk, play, share, love, and grow into a girl instead of a baby. It's time to learn colors, numbers, letters, foods, animals, etc. Then one day she'll need you to teach her how to be a woman instead of a girl and that doesn't mean you've lost anything. Try to remember that you've accomplished something to get here rather than being sad that it's complete.

Kristen said...

I bf'd my daughter for nearly a year and was also a bit sad when it appeared she no longer wanted to (is this what Lucy is doing too?) It actually seemed like this HUGE monumental moment to be done, but also it was incredibly FREEING for me to no longer have that bond, even though there are times when I wish I could turn it on and off at will.

It does get easier.

My daughter is 16 months old now and my husband and I just remarked the other day that although life changed BIG TIME when she arrived, we are now starting to get our lives back, with hers intertwined.

Good luck!

Ashley said...

oh girl my heart breaks for you! I am in the same boat breastfeeding wise too... I know the time to stop is nearing and there are a lot more exciting times ahead but it makes me so sad to think about stopping.

Tena said...

Babies are nothing if not mercureal. Hang in there! She'll come around again.

Good for you for nursing so long. DS self-weaned at 19 months, and he's 2 now and I still miss it sometimes.

Trish said...

sorry I am not much help in this department. My son had a fit to have everything from a cup when he was 9 months old and never cared for anything else after that.....he was a BIG man....quick!

e.k. said...

I feel that too, so much. The other day my husband looked at me with a face tinged with wonder and said, "it's just going to be a lifetime of letting go, bit by bit, isn't it?" and I cried. Not because I don't want to let go, have him grow into his own person, but I'll miss these days. It's possible to want something with all your heart and still yearn a little for the before.

The Niemeyer Nest said...

I totally get your post! My daughter went on a nursing strike on Sunday and I felt for sure that she was weaning herself but she's right back at it. Evie will be one on Saturday so I know the time is coming to an end too. I want to know when it's the last time so that I can truly enjoy it and hold her a little closer - if she will let me.

Waking up early will get easier, your daughter will get used to the schedule and you will love having your afternoons at home.

Geezees Custom Canvas Art said...

Love the wonder years quote...makes me smile!

Mandy said...

I'm sure it's just a phase! My daughter goes through stages where she wants nothing to do with me, she only wants my husband. I hope it gets better soon!

GinaChick said...

I don't have any sage advice or comforting thoughts to offer, because I feel like I'm in the same boat right now with my daughter. All I can say is that it MUST get better. I'm 29 and still need/want my mommy, so somewhere along the line it's GOTTA change, right?!?!?

Angie said...

I remember the realization that I came to the night I breastfed my daughter for the last time. I was running very low on supply, and I was having to supplement her with formula constantly. That night, I watched her trying to get something out of my breast, and I started to cry, and I knew there would never quite be that moment again, with her guzzling away, looking up at me with such fondness.
Except, there was. Not the guzzling part, but about a week ago, we were playing, and she crawled into my lap, and she looked at me and sort of turned her head. It was like she was really examining my face and thinking to herself "I love you mommy." Then she even leaned in and gave me a kiss, as if to confirm my thoughts.
It won't be as regular, but you will still have your moments, most definitely. It's all in making sure you really appreciate them!

On another note -- what kind of camera took the pictures of Lucy's birthday? They are wonderful!

Working Mommy said...

Alas...I never did breastfeed...the babe was just too small and we couldn't get it to work, unfortunately! I'm sure she is just going through a phase...hang in there mama!! Everything will be okay **breaks into song**

~WM

Matt and Melissa said...

I have just recently come across your blog. I wanted to encourage you to keep trying. We had many nursing issues with my 3yr old Daughter as a baby but stuck with it and made it much farther that I ever thought we would in the end. There were times she would go through a nursing strike and it always would end after a while. The one time I could always nurse was when she was asleep. Try going in after she is down and latching her on. They will almost always nurse this way. After a bit she should be back to normal again. It is alot of adjustment for a baby. Stay strong. You are a wonderful mommy and have her best interest at heart. Hugs from another mommy!

FSD said...

I'm sorry. :-( I hope it gets better soon. I hear babies go through a stage of only wanting mommy and then they cycle out of that for a bit, but it returns. It may never be as it was before since Lucy is gaining more and more independence, so you'll just have to wait and watch. As for the nursing, I, too, never wanted to go longer than a year. But now I've decided I'll do it as long as Zoe wants (within reason, of course). So let that relationship end naturally and do whatever you can to keep your milk supply up. I think that will help ease this transition for you.

Meg said...

Lily went through a stage much like this at just about the same age (and since I didn't work it had nothing to do with that so stop with the self guilt tripping!). It was about a week later that she weened (sp?) herself. I am not saying this is what will happen to Lucy. Just sharing my experience.
Some babies have little 'nursing strikes' and feeding can be a challenge. Lily had several and I was like "what is wrong, it seems like she is mad at me!" but for whatever reason she just wouldn't eat. Once she only refused on one side! That was a joy.
Good luck! You are awesome. She will grow out of it!

Candice said...

Who says you have to wean at one? Or is it because of your schedule? If it's that of course, I understand, but you don't have to wean "just because she's one."

As for the other stuff, hang in there. It must be tough!!!

The Mama said...

She will want her mama again, sooner than later. She will wake up and call for you or just be really excited to see you after work one day. Babies/toddlers are fickle as can be but they always need their mama.

Anonymous said...

Oooo....sorry no advice here. I'm a stay at home Mom. My friend who works full time and her two are in day care says hers prefer day care to coming home with her. :( She thinks it's because that's where they spend the majority of their time and it's where their primary caregivers are. Sounds common but I know it doesn't help or make you feel any better. She'll get used to it. From your earlier posts it sounds like you have no choice so hang in there.
Erika Roberts
Pasadena, CA

FSD said...

Just thought of something else for you, Bev. Is it possible for Rob or your mom to take Lucy to have lunch with you sometimes? My husband did that a lot when I returned to work (he took 3 months of paternity leave). That really helped me to feel like Zoe and I stayed connected. I nursed her at lunch, which helped my milk supply and provided further bonding. Some days we just sat and ate in my office. Although my husband has returned to work, he's home the 3 days I'm in the office, so we still have lunch as a family at least once a week. I'm not sure if this is a viable option for you, but I thought I'd throw it out.

I hope tonight is better.

Solar Powered said...

I'm behind you with the baby thing and I dread the day she wants anyone but me. I'm so glad to hear you have the insight to cherish the last days of breastfeeding, that will make the end much, much easier. I had no idea the heartbreak I would go through over having to stop early. WARNING: The post nursing hormones are not friendly.

Aimee said...

Of course she will! She will always need you. You will always be the center of her life, even when she doesn't act like she wants you there. It's just a speed bump!

Anonymous said...

I nursed both of my sons until they were ten months old. At that point my oldest bit me and drew blood. I tried a few more feedings and found that I had lost the love (and the trust). I also had a nice little infection on the area so I ended up quitting cold turkey. I was sore for a little while, but for only a few days. It appeared that my body was already saying enough.

With my second son, I started getting nervous as soon as I saw those teeth (about the same time) and I weaned him.

Trust yourself, your body, and your daughter. You will make the right decision for yourselves.

Debra

Simona said...

Yes, it does get easier and yes, she'll want you more than you will actually like. Soon. I've been there!

ABLynch said...

There was a reality show a little while back called "House Husbands of Hollywood." One part that stuck out to me was this little girl, when her mom came home would push her mom away and cry for her SAH Dad. Well, cut to a few episodes later, and she is crying for her mommy, wanting NOTHING to do with her dad. It was just a phase that needed to be worked through. My son is only 5ish months and he's VERY outgoing, smiling at everyone. I might as well be the mailman for the pereference he shows me (except for the boobs.) I like that it makes it easier to drop him off with my parents for day care since he's happy, but I really wouldn't mind a little seperation anxiety now and then! I guess the point of my ramble is... I feel your pain. And I bet someday soon you'll be commenting on how you can't get anything done because she is attached to your leg 24-7! :)

Kiera said...

i have 3 3 and under- when i went to the hosp to deliver baby #2, i was sure that #1 would hate me for being gone thta long for forever! she gave me the cold shoulder for about a day- i cried that entire day! i thought she would never like to be wiht me again! believe me, sister, it's a phase!

Kiera said...

Believe me! kids don't deny their mothers (until they're older!! ha!) it's a phase! i've gone through this heartbreak more than once, and they always come back!

CheekyMonkey said...

I'd be willing to bet almost every mom that breastfeeds feels that same way. "How will I find another way to bond like we do with feedings?" "when will I get that 'me' time in with her, alone, just the two of us to share." "She wont' need me anymore..."

Don't stress...she'll need you more than ever and as much as I feel like a complete brat saying this, I LOVE that he clings to me. LOVE that he's so needy, needs his mamma. That's me. And while i look back on those feelings you are having and wonder how I could feel that way, I wonder how I could feel so close to him NOW without that "bonding" time. You'll do great and so will she!!!

Joanne said...

Mom will ALWAYS be at the top of the want list! Even when they act like you are from another planet, when things go wrong, the first words/thoughts are "I need my mom"

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