It takes more energy than ever to focus on other things in my life. I struggle to keep my mind on work, especially since we're slow right now it is easy to let TTC completely infiltrate my brain when I should be focusing on work. I suppose it would be easier if I had a job where I *had* to be somewhere from 9 to 5, but with real estate you are only as busy as you make yourself. I need to be out there getting business is a slow market like this but when you've been trying to get pregnant for so long it becomes an obsession. It is all you can think about. I would give anything to keep my mind from thinking about it every minute of the day.
Then there is my friends. Only three of my friends know what is going on, the ones that don't know about what is going on I just cannot seem to make the effort to keep in touch with. Whenever they ask me out for drinks I never want to go. When I do it is all I can do to keep from screaming when they start complaining about petty fights with their boyfriends or complaining about their jobs. It isn't their fault but I'm so far from where they are in their lives I feel like I have nothing in common with them right now. I have so much more on my mind and even if I did tell them...they wouldn't understand. They're more concerned with what they're going to wear out to the new bar downtown this weekend, they couldn't even fathom getting married, let alone trying to have children. I hope they never understand what I'm going through, because I would never wish this on any of them. I feel like this past 19 months has aged me. It has forced me to grow up and in doing so I have grown apart from many of them.
I know I need to make the effort with both my job and my friends, but today is not the day. Today I'll feel sorry for myself. Tomorrow I will shake it off and start over, again.
"Hope has two beautiful daughters. Their names are anger and courage; anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are."
-Augustine of Hippo