Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Here we go again...

No matter how much I think I'm going to be ok if AF shows up, I never am. I officially started Cycle #19 this morning and I just feel like this crazy rollercoaster ride of emotions is completely taking over my life.

It takes more energy than ever to focus on other things in my life. I struggle to keep my mind on work, especially since we're slow right now it is easy to let TTC completely infiltrate my brain when I should be focusing on work. I suppose it would be easier if I had a job where I *had* to be somewhere from 9 to 5, but with real estate you are only as busy as you make yourself. I need to be out there getting business is a slow market like this but when you've been trying to get pregnant for so long it becomes an obsession. It is all you can think about. I would give anything to keep my mind from thinking about it every minute of the day.

Then there is my friends. Only three of my friends know what is going on, the ones that don't know about what is going on I just cannot seem to make the effort to keep in touch with. Whenever they ask me out for drinks I never want to go. When I do it is all I can do to keep from screaming when they start complaining about petty fights with their boyfriends or complaining about their jobs. It isn't their fault but I'm so far from where they are in their lives I feel like I have nothing in common with them right now. I have so much more on my mind and even if I did tell them...they wouldn't understand. They're more concerned with what they're going to wear out to the new bar downtown this weekend, they couldn't even fathom getting married, let alone trying to have children. I hope they never understand what I'm going through, because I would never wish this on any of them. I feel like this past 19 months has aged me. It has forced me to grow up and in doing so I have grown apart from many of them.

I know I need to make the effort with both my job and my friends, but today is not the day. Today I'll feel sorry for myself. Tomorrow I will shake it off and start over, again.

"Hope has two beautiful daughters. Their names are anger and courage; anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are."
-Augustine of Hippo

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are a very strong woman! I wish you nothing but love & lots of fun in life. And I can understand the real estate ups & downs too.

AmberJane said...

I follow your story on the nest and have to say how sorry I am to hear that damn AF showed again!! Don't get discouraged though, your body has to get used to this new cycle with clomid, so hopefully next month you'll see that BFP!!! Best wishes for you!
-Amber

Anonymous said...

One step at a time... that's the hardest part, especially looking back on the past. Today? Today have a sad minute, hour or full day, and happy to hear that you'll attempt to shake it off tomorrow. GL with cycle #19!

Anonymous said...

I'm right there with you this week, but I have been at this longer and I can't get the Dr.'s to participate. I have seen you on the nest. Keep your head up and keep having fun with your husband. Great things are in store for all of us infertile girls!
-Julie AKA Ramsay

Maria said...

I am so sorry that AF showed up, like the others I was rooting for you!!

I start clomid next month when af rears her ugly head... so i'll be in this with you!!!

When AF shows up after i do my initial freak out i do something nice for myself and it usually involves retail therapy (and does not include buying opk's! no matter how much i tell myself i should! lol)

so i hope next cycole is ours... i know my doc says we'll get us pregnant too but on days like this it's hard to believe...

maria

annie said...

I'm so sorry to hear about AF, I ran across your blog a few weeks ago, and relate to every word. I am also 26, live in OR, and am TTC.

I am constantly trying to figure out why this happens to some women and not others.

But the rollarcoster of trying can suck, and at the same time its the most difficult ride to get off. Stay strong. Please know there are others out there who relate to you so much.

Best of luck with cycle #19.
-annie

Anonymous said...

I am glad you have a venue to vent it all out. You say you want to scream when your friends complain about petty things, and I do not think you're feelings are invalid. But atthe same time, maybe you should seek counseling. It sounds like you're also dealing with a mild case of depression. It isn't healthy! Don't alienate people in your life over this, it isn't their fault, nor is it their business (unless you want it to be). Remember that there was once a time when none of this was relevant. Think about that. You said yourself you're only 26, enjoy it! Once you have a baby, don't forget, you're not going to be able to live it up like this. I know that is your goal, but at least if you have deal with not being pregnant, you should allow yourself to enjoy it like you used to.

Diana said...

I very much like your quote today, it sums it all up. We have all been there and it sucks. I hate that IF has consumed the last 1.5 years of my life and made me not care about work and friends and family that just don't get it. It has aged me to. You will feel better in a few days and hope will come back. I am so sorry AF came and we will all hope again that it's for the last time.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry you having such a rough time. I feel like deserve a reprieve from this kind of stress. You deserve to have a stress free month and to have the next step be the step that works. I hope it does. I hope I read a post that I can say Congrats to real soon. Keep you chin up and we will be pulling for you until that day comes.

Ams8099 said...

"Bunnies" you are the strongest woman I know. I think it is so brave of you to share your story with the world. I wish you lots and lots of baby dust in cycle 19

Meg said...

Blast! I am so sorry. That does suck. I had no idea that you didn't have many close friends in on your quest. I guess I thought your blog was public knowledge (don't worry I haven't let the cat out of the bag). You said it was a secret but I thought you were joking. That DOES make this whole thing so much harder. It makes sense what you said about your friends being so far away from your stage in life that even if they did want to empathize, they couldn't, and they might even make it worse. I agree. It is hard either way. You need the support but from where? I think you were smart to start a blog. Great release. Plus, you are a great writer! It seems like many people have found comfort or empathy in your blog as well. I know your faith has helped too, although, for me, it is times like this when faith is strained. I will pray for you and your husband (well, his sperm anyway!).
I am excited to hear what happens next. I know that by whatever means, you are going to be a fantastic mother.
Meg

ck2m said...

Sorry to hear that this wasn't the month. I too have faith that someday soon we will all be wishing you and your husband congrats on a baby (maybe twins). I think it is an amazing you are doing sharing your story. And you have a way with words and know some great quotes. I am addicted to your blog like a mexican soap opera. At least keep enjoying the baby making :)

Megan said...

Bev- I've been where you're at and remember those feelings so well. I just want to hug you! It gets to the point where you're greatful for all of the support, but nothing will make you feel better-as well it shouldn't. Wallow in self pitty girl, we deserve it! You are in my thoughts as I've been where you are (down to the Clomid) and can only tell you there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Something to keep you motivated? (not that your quotes aren't enough!) Those little pregnant women on isle 4 at Target? You'll be them one day, and just remember how much more GREATFUL you'll be because it took longer for your little one to appear :) I feel that way everyday. If you EVER need to talk, vent, etc..feel free. Your emotions have been mirrored over here :)

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