Ultrasound...

So today was my ultrasound to see if I had any cysts or any other problems that could be seen via u/s. I got up bright and early at 7:15 and drank my required 32 ounces of water and was on my way. 7:45 rolls around and I'm sitting in traffic when I realize that I have to pee. Crap! I'm supposed to have this u/s on a full bladder. Why didn't I just bring a damn water bottle with me in the car? Oh, that's right, I lost it... I always lose water bottles. I am a black hole for water bottles, I will lose them within a matter of minutes. I have probably bought hundreds in my lifetime and leave them at the gym, at the office, in my car (which is a black hole in itself), outside, in the store, at my mom's house, in clients cars, on the mailbox...wherever something can be left I guarantee I've left a water bottle there! But I digress...

So I'm doing the pee dance in the car and I'm not even close to the hospital yet. And by pee-dance I mean jumping up and down on my seat, scooching around side to side and singing a the top of my voice. At this point I wish I was a man because at least they can somewhat pinch it off! By the time I get there I have to pee worse than I have ever needed to before. I think the fact that I know I cannot relieve myself in the bathroom that is only 3 feet away from my in the waiting room makes it even worse. By the time the u/s tech comes out I feel like I'm going to explode! I tell her my predicament and she tells me she'll be quick.

When she starts the u/s the first thing she says is "Ooooooh, yes! Your bladder IS full!" At this point I want to scream "No sheeeet lady!". Even the light pressure of the u/s is killing me. When she is (finally) done I practically jump off the table and into the bathroom. It has never felt so fantastic to pee before.

When I come back into the room the u/s tech holds up a large tube-like instrument and says, "Are you ok with doing an internal now?" Um... what? Shouldn't we get to know one another first? What is you favorite color? Do you like long walks on the beach? This is moving a little too fast for me... I'm not that kind of girl!

I cannot tell you how awkward this is. And if you're squeamish you might want to stop reading. I get undressed from the waist down and sit on this little triangle foam thingy. Bottoms up! She them tells me she's going to hand me the internal wand under the sheet and asks me to insert it...myself!!! I do as I'm told but I can't help but feel like I'm in some low budget porn movie. The whole thing takes another 20 minutes which is not comfortable or fun! I was glad when it was done.

I asked her if she could tell me anything about what she saw. Unfortunately she couldn't tell me since it was hospital policy to have the patient's doctor go over the results in the follow-up appointment. However, she did say "I will tell you I didn't see anything that you should lose sleep over." What a relief! I'm glad she did say at least that because I won't be stressing about my results until my follow-up next week.

All in all I'm glad it is done.

"Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh because what is that thing?"

-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy