Monday, December 3, 2007

My 2 Cents...

I've been feeling a certain way lately due to several message board discussions on who has a right to feel a certain way about not getting pregnant. I realize these boards are outlets for women whose husbands, friends, family, boss, trash man, postal delivery person might not want to hear how incredibly bummed they are when they get their periods and realize they aren't pregnant that particular month. I realize that people on Cycle #1,2,5,7... all have a right to be bummed when it hasn't happened for them yet. However, there is no comparison on how a person feels on these earlier cycles to when it gets into the double digits and higher.

There. I said it. You people who are so bummed on Cycle #4... I get it. I was there. I am all for a post that says:

"Damn it, AF showed. I'm bummed. This sucks." I feel ya sister, good luck next time!

The ones that get under me skin go more like this:

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? THIS IS SO UNFAIR. WHY ARE ALL MY FRIENDS KNOCKED UP ON CYCLE #1 AND I HAVE TO WAIT. I WANT A BABY NOW!!!!"

Now you may think that I'm over dramatizing this, but I'm not. I see those on a regular basis and I try to be nice and respond that 4 months is still well within normal range, you just have to be a little patient, etc. etc. when my brain is screaming:

"Seriously? You're on freaking cycle #4. 4 months. FOUR MEASLY MONTHS. Try adding another 17 months on to that and then we'll talk. 4 months is not waiting. This is ri-goddamn-diculous."

So I'm a bitch. So sue me. I don't really care. I know I'll get comments that I'm making this out to be a pissing contest about who can be the most bummed. I'm not bummed, I passed bummed oh, about 13 months ago. I'm on to completely terrified that I will never carry my own child, that we won't be able to afford to adopt until we're into our mid-thirties. Four months? Try the prospect of 5+ years.

I hate to say it but the person who has only tried a couple months just cannot understand the pain that is infertility. They just can't. I can't even describe it. I would never compare my own pain to someone who has been trying for 30 cycles... 40 cycles...longer. I cannot imagine it and I know for a fact that I'm not even on the same level as they are , pain-wise.

I'm sorry. I just had to get this off of my chest. It isn't a pissing contest, it is reality. It hurts more the longer you've been at it, end of story. Not that you can't complain, not that you can't be bummed...by all means, share. I truly do understand how you're feeling. But take a step back before you go off the deep end with grief because girl, you don't even know the meaning.

There. My .02 cents.

"Opinions are like assholes...everybody's got one."
-Unknown

32 comments:

Anonymous said...

I've never commented on your blog before, although I do read it occasionally. I just wanted to say AMEN! And if you're a bitch for thinking that, then color me bitchy as well.

ONE OUT OF SIX said...

No flames here bunnies ... I think you're absolutely right. (And FWIW - I think a person can say whatever the hell they want on their own blog. I mean sheesh! It's YOUR blog. ;-) Hang in there hon.

~ LucyPevensie from TTTC

Trish said...

Yeah. I'm a bitch, too.
Cry me a river. Talk to me in a year. Or two.

Chic from thenest said...

JodynJames was the one that had the buttholes comment, right?

Anyways, you say you dont care what ppl think of this blog, but yet you are moderating comments...isn't that a bit cowardly?

Who are you, God? No one has the right to judge how a person is supposed to feel and when. Everyone goes through the same emotions when dealing with IF, whether it's 4 months, or 14 months.
You are quite judgemental, and annoying. Kinda like Tarahville.

watitng for His time said...

Amen sister. I know that I had a few people look at me funny early on with my posts. Eventhough I was only 6mo in, I don't O at all. So my 6mo in was with MEDs. Now I'm 17 mo in W/MEDs. I know the pain you are feeling.

They just don't get it do they? They haven't even been through all the testing we have either. They will never understand until they walk in our shoes.

Thanks for posting this. I agree with your opinion. So, I guess it isn't just YOUR opinion. Many of us feel the same way. :)

bevjane24 said...

chic from the nest-

I'm only moderating because I've seen blogs that get this crap spam-like stuff in the comments section. I've never not published a valid comment.

Also, I'm pretty sure everyone, even yourself judges. Most people are just too cowardly to say what they think. This is simply my opinion. And by the way, I'm talking about regular TTCers who are not dealing with IF. I'm not talking about people who are faced with IF issues early on.

Although, I stand by what I said that I am sure I'm not going through what a lot of girls who have been trying longer than I have are going though. Nor would I pretend my pain comperable to or more than theirs.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say that I agree with your thoughts. It's so hard when these women aren't pg within the 1 month off BCP...little do they know what it will be like if they have to face 18 months, 21 months or longer. Good luck!

Trish said...

"Everyone goes through the same emotions when dealing with IF, whether it's 4 months, or 14 months."

Umm. I've been at this for 26 months now. I don't go through the same emotions day to day and I'm just one person. I somehow doubt that every person feels the same thing all the time.

Honestly, some things get easier. I have mourned my ability to get pregnant by myself. That no longer bothers me. That's gotten easier.

But other things get harder. Seeing friends not just go on to have a baby w/o you.. but go on to have another and another.. trust me, it gets worse.

And I can look at other people and think "God, they have it so much worse than me.."

I think it's naive to think we all feel the same. We don't.

Anonymous said...

I'm really bummed to read this:(

zilla said...

I think you have every right to feel this way, and I agree. I also don't think it is about you being a bitch, I don't think that at all. It is about putting something into perspective.

Anonymous said...

and i also dont understand how moderating comments on a blog (to maybe not approve profanity) makes you think you are God. poeple need to get a grip.

zilla said...

chick from the next - it is quite cowardly to say such harsh things anonymously. and you are judging bev for having feelings on an issue she is pretty much an expert on. not fair. and it's such a case of pot calling the kettle black of ever there was one!

MotherBucker said...

Oh Bunnies! Big hugs to you, and you know what it's your blog, you say whatever you damn well please!

I can say, I understand where you are... it's hard, so hard. And you have people everywhere that say things that seem so cruel.
My SIL and I were talking once about my fertility troubles, and she said "Oh, I just have to think about it and I get pregnant". Really, well here's cookie for you.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Much RE love to you fo eva!

Anonymous said...

I can totally agree. I'm TTC w/ PCOS so it has been an uphill battle for me from the very begining. I never even had a true 2ww until 6 months in to TTC, I'm well past that now. It's your BLOG and you don't need to apologize for what you write in it. If people don't like they shouldn't feel compelled to read it, much less comment on how you are wrong.

Kate said...

I just read through your blog, and really enjoyed it. I just lurk on TTTC (I'm a teacher, and don't have much time during the day) but think you're right on the money with this. I hope it is ok that I'm commenting . . .

We've been dealing with IF for 12 months, and it has only gotten more painful and confusing as time has gone on. And until you're really told "there's a problem" you have no idea . . .

I'm looking at our infertility a little differently recently. Ten weeks ago, my cousin and his wife did in-vitro. This was after 2 years of unexplained infertility. They told no one what they were going through. On October 12, they learned the IVF worked, and they were pregnant. On October 15, my cousin got a flu bug, and tore his esophogus which caused internal bleeding. He died within a few hours. So now his sweet wife is expecting twins, and is faced with incredible blessings, and tremendous grief. What a cruel reminder that life is not fair.

Praying for these babies has taken me away from my own sadness for a while (maybe just my crazy rationalization, but my thought is that it just isn't time for my baby to come . . . we need to focus our thoughts on the twins.) And also, it has reminded me that sometimes there just are no answers. Some things make no sense.

But I do believe that in time, I'll be a parent. And our child will be loved and cherished more than I ever thought possible. The same will be true for you. :-)
Thanks for the good reading!
Kate

Busted said...

I agree with your sentiment - especially being one of the lucky IFs who got pg after trying for less than a year (with a clearly diagnosed problem that brought us to an RE after 6 months) I often feel guilty that I got lucky before so many ladies that have been trying so much longer. You have every right to feel this way.

Ms*Girl said...

I completely agree with you. I also can't stand to see the "BFP! First Cycle" posts...I know I can turn around and not look at the boards, but I need a place to vent too. Being at this for 3 years has really made me bitter!

Ariella said...

AMEN!!!!! I totaly get you sista! No way those on cycle 4 understand the pain of cycle 20. But I do have ONE little exception. Those who have a disorder which makes it harder to concive. I think they also have it hard. Because they also face the idea that it could be YEARS! But again I TOTALY AGREE! No flames here!

PS Thanks for postiing this!

Maria Luisa said...

I've never commented on your blog either. I am a total lurker on BOTB and I've been following your story.

I have to say that I fully agree with everything you've said. I find it impossible to believe that anyone could think that someone that's been trying for four months feels the same pain as someone who's been trying for, say, 32 (me).

I thoroughly enjoyed your blog, and thank you for voicing what you're feeling. I think it helps ME deal with what I'm going through.

matteroftime said...

It's a little tiring how you always have to comment on how other women are feeling. Why are you the only the one who gets to be frustrated? And you say you try to answer nesties questions and show understanding, but you absolutely do not. Yes 20 cycles is heartbreaking. And my 13 are as well. But I guess you'd like to find a reason to minimize my feelings.

This worst is everyone should feel bad for you when all that you've struggled through is time. You've tried clomid. Nothing else. No IUI. No IVF. And I pray you never have to. But seriously stop acting like you get to determine the limits of frustration.

Just my .02 cents.

Christa said...

I totally get what you are saying bunnies, but unfortunately, not all of us have a long time to conceive. My doctor said after 6 months of trying naturally after lupron therapy, because of my endo, it probably won't ever happen. I'm on cycle six right now. About to start IVF in January. I understand that my circumstance is different, but if you ever here me complaining, it's cause I know it may never happen for me:(
Please don't take this as critisism, cause I totally get what you are saying about people who have no known problems and are tired of trying after 3 months.

Anonymous said...

I WAS that person for about two months before I realized the girls on my TTC Board had been there way longer than I and it frankly wasn't fair to them. Now, 16 months later, I'm a bitch right with you! I applaud you for speaking your mind!

Shaenew said...

Now first, you do bring a good point up, Girls who don't get pregnant within the first few months and don't understand how to be paitient are rediculous. But on the other hand I have to agree with amatteroftime, hearing you complain constantly on a message board about how bad you have it gets VERY tiring. I also think you need to take a step back and view a different perspective. I complained a few cycles ago(cylcle#7) about how I wasn’t pregnant yet. Would you have told me that I don't know anything about how hard IF might be? What if I told you that I’m not sure I’ll ever get pregnant because my husband had testicular cancer and had to have a testicle removed, and that the chemo he underwent, may have caused him to be completely sterile. That even with an IUI or IVF we still may never have children. Now unlike you I don’t feel the need to whine about my troubles on a daily basis, but when I get AF I may be one of thoes girls who is onto cycle#8 talking about how awful I feel and that this is never going to happen for me. And since I don’t publically annouce to everyone the troubles my husband and I have gone through, you'll just assume I'm another whiney girl who isn't paitient enough.

bevjane24 said...

schaenew-
Hmmm...I don't recall announcing my problems on a daily basis but if I do I think it has been a more recent thing over the past couple of months. Just an acumulation of everything, but I can see how it would becoming tiring for some. I do appreciate you pointing that out to me because everyone needs a reality check once in awhile.

I'll see if I can tone down the poor me a bit. ;)

Brooke said...

I so feel everyword you said. I get so frustrated with friends who have their babies sitting there go on about the trouble they had when they conceived in 3-8 months....well within the normal limits. Sure still difficult, but can't compain to someone with IF!!!!

Amy said...

Thank you for saying this. I get so irritated when some girl thinks she is T-TTC at 4 or 6 months. Come back to me after a year or two then maybe I'll have some sympathy for you. (Been trying for about 2 years now about the same as you).

Ssweets04 said...

Hey Bunnies, I'm a lurker on BOTB and like a lot of the ladies I follow your posts and blog. I admire your strenght to fight for it no matter how difficult it has been as well as the fact that you share your journey with us. It takes a lot of courage to share the problems that you are going through, I know it definitely puts things into perspective for me. All I have to say is that you have earned your right to be angry and tell us your 2 cents. I'm only now beginning TTC, but I'm a bitch too in your support as well as all the strong women out there who are going through IF.

Anonymous said...

Hey bunnies, I am NOT TTC and I still read your blog because you always wonder whats really going on with a person and they don't always wanna divuldge.

You are very brave for creating this bog. And yes, you can write whatever you want! Who cares who a few lameo's think? You have a right to your emotions for better or worse. Anyone ridiculing your views has their own issues, cause no compasionate person is gonna say nasty things to a person pouring their heart out for all. You are being true yourself by actually speaking your mind. If they have problems with that then they are lost souls.

And FWIW, you have every right to stop the comment postings if it gets to you. You derserve only support.

bunniesaresoft said...

Thank you! I won't stop the comments though. I like knowing what people think about my writing, the good and the bad. I can take it... I'm a big girl!!! ;)

Yodasmistress said...

I think Trisha said it best: "I think it's naive to think we all feel the same. We don't."

Ditto that 100%

(Also as a fellow Nestie and a member of FF I just want to add that you'll never, ever convince the fertiles to stop bitching about not getting pregnant fast enough. They have no perspective.)

Yodasmistress said...

On yeah, I would also like to add that I significantly decreased my attendance on the TTTC board when I got flamed for telling a chick who had been trying for 9 months that she was not IF. She informed me how she had PCOS and therefore had every right to be there. That month she got pg and I just rolled my eyes and realized the nest was not for me. We have an awesome, private infertility forum on LoungePlace if you're interested.

Taffytubby1 said...

i love you. :)I just started reading ur blog today and omg, you say so much of how i feel. BTW i am on cycle 18.

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