I swear every time I start convincing myself to be positive and all that jazz something comes around and reminds me that our situation kind of sucks. I try and keep everything in perspective... we have our health, we are happy, we have a wonderful home, great pets and stable jobs which is more than you can say for a lot of people in this world we live in. We are lucky, we are blessed. I know these things, and I am so very grateful for them. So anyways, I guess I'm just writing this first as a disclaimer. I.KNOW.THESE.THINGS. I really do. However...
Rob and I were in the car going to the mall yesterday, (yes we are crazy), and I called my mother in law to thank her for her very thoughtful birthday present which had recently arrived in the mail. We chatted for a bit and I asked her if our two nieces (who are 3 and 7) and my sister in law "S." were going to be spending the holiday at her house. Here is a little background, S. is 28 and has two children with her on-again off-again boyfriend. There is so much more to that story but since I like my sister in law I choose not to air the particulars of her complicated relationship on the Internet. This is our conversation:
MIL: I'm not sure if the girls will be here. S. really doesn't want to leave her boyfriend.
Me: Ah, that's too bad I know how much you look forward to having them around on Christmas.
(Note: I wish the conversation had ended here. Imagine the sound of a bomb dropping at this point)
MIL: "You know she's pregnant again right?"
Me: ::Shocked silence ::
MIL: Right? Are you sitting down? Crazy isn't it?
At this point I seriously feel like someone punched me in the stomach. I manage to actually reply after a couple moments.
Me: Wow...um, wow. That's... wow. Um... I...um...
MIL: Of course it wasn't planned... again. She's hoping for a boy, she says she will cry if it is another girl. I swear that girl just doesn't understand that if you are off birth control and have sex you're going to get pregnant.
Me: "Really? You don't say. :: insert awkward nervous laugh:: Oh... yeah... um... wow. Well please tell her congratulations from us? That is really exciting. Fantastic. Um... we're at the mall we really should go since parking is crazy. Gottagoloveyoubye."
Breathe. Just breathe.
First of all, my mother in law has no idea about our IF. I'm sure she just thought I was really surprised since S. vehemently swore off having any more children after a particularly bad C-Section experience with her last baby. I was surprised... and shocked... and, yes, jealous.
It isn't that I'm angry that she's pregnant...again. I'm happy if she is happy. It is just the shock and amazement that someone doesn't exactly have all her shit in order, and I say that in the nicest possible way, can have three unplanned pregnancies and we, married with a home and stable careers, just cannot seem to get ourselves knocked up. It is just how this crazy life works, right? There is a purpose behind all of this. At least that is what I keep telling myself, hey... a girl's gotta sleep at night right?
Rob just didn't know what to say, he just shook his head and signed as if nothing surprised him when it came to his sister. I told him about her wanting a boy and he frowned. I asked him what the matter was and he replied that it was silly but he wanted to have the first boy. I could have cried right there. Not about having the first boy but for a moment I could see that Rob felt just a little of what I feel. Everyone says that men don't go through the same process as women do, dealing with infertility, but for a moment I could see it in his eyes. I wish he knew that the fleeting feeling of sadness and disappointment he had just felt is what I feel every day.
Anyways. I AM happy for her, I truely am. I hope she has a great pregnancy are a very smooth delivery with none of the complications that came up last time. Hopefully it a breeze for her this time and I am very excited to be an auntie again...and I am still jealous.I'm not going to lie in my blog, so I'm telling it like it is. I am jealous.
On another note I have to take a moment to tell everyone to go see the movie "Juno". It is absolutely fantastic. It is hilarious and heart-wrenching at the same time.
There is one particular part of the movie when the young girl, Juno, goes to meet the prospective adoptive parents of her unborn baby. This is a part that I'm sure hit home for anyone dealing with infertility. The girl comments about her pregnancy and says to the woman (Jennifer Garner) "Be glad you don't have to go through this." Not in a mean way, just an offhand comment from a very young girl who doesn't know the first thing about IF. But you can see it, the moment that an unwittingly doled out verbal barbs hits you, it registers on Jennifer Garner's face. It is so very familiar, not because I've seen that face but I've felt it. I am that person. Every time someone says "Oh, my god you are so lucky you don't have kids yet!" or "When are you going to start trying? Don't wait too long, the clock is ticking!" the latter of which is usually accompanied by a wink or an elbow nudge and is given by the person you'd least like to share your conception plans with, like a male co-worker or a distant relative in law, I am sure I get that same look on my face. Very few people notice it because those of us who are dealing with IF are usually very skilled at covering it up. You may notice a second of shock or a wince of pain, but it is so quickly replaced with some sort of diversion like "Wow, how about those Packers this year?" that the person who has said this faux pas doesn't even notice.
Anyways, now that I've completely gone off on a tangent, below is a few clips of the movie. Please see it. It is wonderful... and bring tissues. Lots of them.
Again, Merry Christmas to all!!
"Storms make trees take deeper roots."