Sunday, December 23, 2007



I swear every time I start convincing myself to be positive and all that jazz something comes around and reminds me that our situation kind of sucks. I try and keep everything in perspective... we have our health, we are happy, we have a wonderful home, great pets and stable jobs which is more than you can say for a lot of people in this world we live in. We are lucky, we are blessed. I know these things, and I am so very grateful for them. So anyways, I guess I'm just writing this first as a disclaimer. I.KNOW.THESE.THINGS. I really do. However...

Rob and I were in the car going to the mall yesterday, (yes we are crazy), and I called my mother in law to thank her for her very thoughtful birthday present which had recently arrived in the mail. We chatted for a bit and I asked her if our two nieces (who are 3 and 7) and my sister in law "S." were going to be spending the holiday at her house. Here is a little background, S. is 28 and has two children with her on-again off-again boyfriend. There is so much more to that story but since I like my sister in law I choose not to air the particulars of her complicated relationship on the Internet. This is our conversation:

MIL: I'm not sure if the girls will be here. S. really doesn't want to leave her boyfriend.

Me: Ah, that's too bad I know how much you look forward to having them around on Christmas.

(Note: I wish the conversation had ended here. Imagine the sound of a bomb dropping at this point)

MIL: "You know she's pregnant again right?"

Me: ::Shocked silence ::

MIL: Right? Are you sitting down? Crazy isn't it?

At this point I seriously feel like someone punched me in the stomach. I manage to actually reply after a couple moments.

Me:, wow. That's... wow. Um...

MIL: Of course it wasn't planned... again. She's hoping for a boy, she says she will cry if it is another girl. I swear that girl just doesn't understand that if you are off birth control and have sex you're going to get pregnant.

Me: "Really? You don't say. :: insert awkward nervous laugh:: Oh... yeah... um... wow. Well please tell her congratulations from us? That is really exciting. Fantastic. Um... we're at the mall we really should go since parking is crazy. Gottagoloveyoubye."

Breathe. Just breathe.

First of all, my mother in law has no idea about our IF. I'm sure she just thought I was really surprised since S. vehemently swore off having any more children after a particularly bad C-Section experience with her last baby. I was surprised... and shocked... and, yes, jealous.

It isn't that I'm angry that she's pregnant...again. I'm happy if she is happy. It is just the shock and amazement that someone doesn't exactly have all her shit in order, and I say that in the nicest possible way, can have three unplanned pregnancies and we, married with a home and stable careers, just cannot seem to get ourselves knocked up. It is just how this crazy life works, right? There is a purpose behind all of this. At least that is what I keep telling myself, hey... a girl's gotta sleep at night right?

Rob just didn't know what to say, he just shook his head and signed as if nothing surprised him when it came to his sister. I told him about her wanting a boy and he frowned. I asked him what the matter was and he replied that it was silly but he wanted to have the first boy. I could have cried right there. Not about having the first boy but for a moment I could see that Rob felt just a little of what I feel. Everyone says that men don't go through the same process as women do, dealing with infertility, but for a moment I could see it in his eyes. I wish he knew that the fleeting feeling of sadness and disappointment he had just felt is what I feel every day.

Anyways. I AM happy for her, I truely am. I hope she has a great pregnancy are a very smooth delivery with none of the complications that came up last time. Hopefully it a breeze for her this time and I am very excited to be an auntie again...and I am still jealous.I'm not going to lie in my blog, so I'm telling it like it is. I am jealous.

On another note I have to take a moment to tell everyone to go see the movie "Juno". It is absolutely fantastic. It is hilarious and heart-wrenching at the same time.

There is one particular part of the movie when the young girl, Juno, goes to meet the prospective adoptive parents of her unborn baby. This is a part that I'm sure hit home for anyone dealing with infertility. The girl comments about her pregnancy and says to the woman (Jennifer Garner) "Be glad you don't have to go through this." Not in a mean way, just an offhand comment from a very young girl who doesn't know the first thing about IF. But you can see it, the moment that an unwittingly doled out verbal barbs hits you, it registers on Jennifer Garner's face. It is so very familiar, not because I've seen that face but I've felt it. I am that person. Every time someone says "Oh, my god you are so lucky you don't have kids yet!" or "When are you going to start trying? Don't wait too long, the clock is ticking!" the latter of which is usually accompanied by a wink or an elbow nudge and is given by the person you'd least like to share your conception plans with, like a male co-worker or a distant relative in law, I am sure I get that same look on my face. Very few people notice it because those of us who are dealing with IF are usually very skilled at covering it up. You may notice a second of shock or a wince of pain, but it is so quickly replaced with some sort of diversion like "Wow, how about those Packers this year?" that the person who has said this faux pas doesn't even notice.

Anyways, now that I've completely gone off on a tangent, below is a few clips of the movie. Please see it. It is wonderful... and bring tissues. Lots of them.

Again, Merry Christmas to all!!

"Storms make trees take deeper roots."
-Dolly Parton


Anonymous said...

I lurk on BOTB and have never posted a comment on here before. I just wanted to let you know that I spent tonight with my cousin and his wife. They've been married just over 8 years and have been TTC and going through IF treatments almost that entire time. She just found out two days ago that she is pregnant. There is hope. Sending you lots of strength for the holidays.

Marcy said...

As I read this post my heart sank for you, and I felt both selfish and lucky to have not had to go through any of what you've gone through here. It also reminds me of my aunt, who's been working on adopting a child from Russia with her husband for the past few years, and yesterday she mentioned again that they may (or may not) be getting close to actually getting their little boy.

No real point to what I'm saying, really, other than that I really hope your dream of a baby is realized soon, as I know you will be such wonderful parents. Best of luck and Merry Christmas.

Anonymous said...

As selfish as it at first sounded to me, I have to say it is a blessing you have this blog where you can share your feelings and be HONEST about what goes on in your head. Have a safe and happy holiday!

Bev said...

Do I really come across as selfish? I, and many others having T-TTC, are almost always jealous of others apparent ease of getting pregnant. I said a thousand times over that I am happy for her, and I truely am. Not to mention excited about a new baby in the family. Just sad it doesn't come as easy for us...

Merry Christmas! :)

Anonymous said...

I loved Juno. And yes, so many moments in that movie were just as you described. People who (probably) have good intentions say the worst possible things - "be glad you don't have to go through this" or "why didn't you go to china, babies are like free ipods over there". I don't know the road you've been down, but it took us a while to conceive and I know it hurts. It is not selfish AT ALL to wince when you hear a pregnancy announcement - especially one like your SIL's. It will be your turn one day, I just hope it's soon. God bless you both.

kyrn from the nest said...

Hi Bev! I frequent your blog and maybe I'm just selfish also b/c I didn't think there was anything wrong with the way that you are feeling. I can relate 100% and I haven't even been at this as long as you. Your post made me cry today (on a particularly bad I'm having) I was sad for you, for me, for our husbands and all those couples w/ T-TTC. The way I try to explain it to my husband, who doesn't usually understand my feelings when it comes to IF, is that it is not that I don't want whoever it is to be pregnant, I'm happy for them, but I'm sad for me and I want to be pregnant too. I want us both to be pregnant, I'm not trying to wish I was pregnant instead. Love the blog!

Brooke said...

Bless your heart. I know you can use a BIG HUG!!! Don't give up hard as it may be!!!

marlaenie said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Bev said...

anonymous I by accident rejected your second comment! Here it is:

reply to selfish - I apologize, I didn't think it was intentionally selfish nor do I think you are wrong for feeling a certain way and expressing those feelings. I think it is hard to see things from the POV that it doesn't have anything to do with YOUR IF issues. Because you've had trouble on the TTC journey, it's hard to see someone else have baby-related news and not be reminded of the troubles. Perhaps selfish is the wrong word to have used.


Bev said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
marlaenie said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ChelleM said...

hEiDi & bRaNdOn said...

Your posting today brought tears to my eyes and laughter to my heart today. Everything you say is so me, it totally ridiculous! Today we just found out we are not pregnant. We have been doing IUI treatments but next month we are going to try to do IVF. I really dont get it the whole Jamie-Lynn thing and girls getting knocked up who dont want to be and us people who are so ready for a baby but cant. Such a trial...and I know we need to be grateful for everything and we are. And I know I need to think positevly and I do but still nothing...We have got to keep going and trying. If not than we already know the answer. TRY is the key word. Thanks for all of your thoughts, they keep me sane and they make me laugh and I just wanted to let you know I feel EXACTLY the same way you do.

Angie said...

I just want to share a story with you. A former coworker of mine and his wife were trying to conceive for 3 years (maybe more). I am positive they were at least on Clomid, if not more. They just announced they are expecting TRIPLETS!! Can you imagine that? They are about 12 weeks along, and obviously the risk is very high, but after 36+ months of trying, they had their prayers answers x3.

And honestly, it made me think of you, because I can't imagine what it feels like to go through more than 12 months of trying. I was one of those girls who took about 4cycles to conceive, and even though I never posted on BOTB about my frustration, I really grew more and more disappointed every time AF showed. Hearing your story doesn't make me feel like you are judgmental or selfish -- I love your blog because it is honest and true and sometimes quite funny.
Sure, you complain sometimes. Who wouldn't? TTC with IF or no IF is mentally and emotionally exhausting. And watching Britney and her sister get pregnant so young and without a thought, and seeing your close friends and family get pregnant after a month or without even trying merits jealousy and frustration.

So anyways, I wanted to share all my random thoughts with you, because your blog is a beautiful sentiment, and I enjoy it.

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