I know this is my second post of the day, but I just felt like I needed let it all out. It helps, it really does.
I remember when we first started TTC. It was something that was inevitable, something that was going to happen in the next couple months. We were going to be parents. It was so exciting. We would look at the baby section of stores, giggling like pre-teen girls in the juniors department of Macys. We would lightheartedly argue about names, I constantly rallying for Lucy, Rob laughing and using his "power of veto". We painted the office a light, buttery yellow. I started considering putting my very non-baby friendly car up for sale. I couldn't wait for the Pottery Barn Baby Catalog to come in the mail. It was thrilling to see the women at the Farmer's Market, with their babies in slings and strollers, or with their pregnant bellies protruding out from under cute maternity t-shirts. Back when I could look at them without the sting of jealousy. Shower invitations only brought on a feeling of excitement since we were probably next. I would take a mental note the presents they received that would be great to register when my time came. It would be so soon. We would say things like "Imagine next time this year we'll we parents!" or "This may be our last Christmas just the two of us". Whenever people would ask us when we were going to try and have kids we would vehemently deny it, but give each other a secret smile...if they only knew!
Every major holiday and birthday I would think, "Oh, wouldn't father's day be the best day to tell Rob?" I would dream of telling my mother on her birthday... on my father's birthday...on mother's day... on grandparents day... on Thanksgiving...on Christmas.
The perfect-time-to tell holidays rolled by for one year, then another. The uneasiness set in. The endless doctors appointments began, I've never been to the doctors so much in my life... and it is only just beginning. Doubt about our baby-making capabilities slowly creeped in. Medications needed to be taken at certain days, certain times. Side effects made me cranky, emotional, and not myself. I stopped thinking up creative ways that I would tell my best friend. I put the two things I had bought for the baby into the closet in the guest room. The quilt for the wall that I bought from Red Envelope went back into the box it came in. The unbelievable soft lamb-shaped baby blanket that I would often take out just to touch has been stowed safely away. I haven't opened it for months now. I stopped pouncing on the Pottery Barn Kids catalogs and eventually they found their way directly into the recycling bin. I now walk by the baby department at Target with only a quick sideways glance. I feel a sharp stab of envy looking at the women at the Farmer's Market who have what I want so desperately. Do they see me? Looking at them? I wonder if or when it happens for us if I will recognize the looks in women's eyes. Women who are going through what we have went through. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to see it from a mile away. You don't forget that sort of thing. It is almost like a sisterhood, a sorority you never wanted to join.
A shower invitation, a Christmas card with a new baby in a Santa hat or sitting in the middle of Christmas lights(there were so many this year), a bulletin on myspace announcing the pregnancy of someone years younger than me, all make me blink back tears and push away the devil on my shoulder, "Why them? Why not us?". The jealousy is almost the worst part. You can't stop it, it is there with every pregnancy announcement. You can fake your way through it on the outside, inside it rips your heart out...every single time. When people ask us about TTC now I immediately change the subject. There is no more "when we get pregnant..." it is always "if we get pregnant". It isn't being negative. It is simply self preservation, steeling ourselves for the possibility of a outcome that does not include a pregnancy.
"But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day"
-"Both Sides Now" Joni Mitchell