AF started last night. Not a big shock. I knew it was coming, I expect it to show up 15 dpo like clockwork. My ovulation days may be screwed up but AF always shows on day 15. Although it is expected it is always like a knife in the heart...every single time.
The feeling alone part came right before bed. Ok, so I was a little moody last night. I was bummed. I was PMSing. I'm feeling the sting of the rapidly approaching 2 year mark. So we get into bed and turn off the light and Rob says,
"So, what's wrong with you tonight?" ( Let me add, he does knows that AF had just started that evening).
What's wrong? Hmmm. Let me think about that. What IS wrong? MAYBE it is the fact that I could have been pregnant almost three times over by now in the amount of time it is taking us to get pregnant once. Maybe it is the fact that we'll be celebrating two years of TTC in April. Maybe it is the fact that I have cramps so bad that it feels like my very emply uterus is being ripped out of my body. Maybe it is the fact that I have a HSG AND A FREAKING BABY SHOWER all within 48 hours of one another next weekend.
That is the answer I wanted to give. Instead...
"I guess it is just that time of them month."
Him, "Hmm, ok goodnight."
He falls asleep within minutes. I lay there with tears streaming down my face feeling so incredibly alone. He is usually very supportive, albiet not quite understanding what the problem is, he still thinks it will happen when it happens. But it is starting to weigh on me, the feeling as if I'm the crazy one because it affects me so strongly, because it hits me so hard. Ultimately, what I need and what I want are answers but he can't give them to me. So I would settle for a hug or an "it's ok to feel this way". I just need to feel like I'm not crazy.
My HSG is Friday at 9:45, maybe we'll get some of my answers then. Good or bad I'll just be glad to have something to go forward with. Wish me luck.
"I don't know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every other part of my body is broken too."