Saturday, February 2, 2008

Alone...

It is strange how alone you can feel when you're not actually by yourself.

AF started last night. Not a big shock. I knew it was coming, I expect it to show up 15 dpo like clockwork. My ovulation days may be screwed up but AF always shows on day 15. Although it is expected it is always like a knife in the heart...every single time.

The feeling alone part came right before bed. Ok, so I was a little moody last night. I was bummed. I was PMSing. I'm feeling the sting of the rapidly approaching 2 year mark. So we get into bed and turn off the light and Rob says,

"So, what's wrong with you tonight?" ( Let me add, he does knows that AF had just started that evening).

What's wrong? Hmmm. Let me think about that. What IS wrong? MAYBE it is the fact that I could have been pregnant almost three times over by now in the amount of time it is taking us to get pregnant once. Maybe it is the fact that we'll be celebrating two years of TTC in April. Maybe it is the fact that I have cramps so bad that it feels like my very emply uterus is being ripped out of my body. Maybe it is the fact that I have a HSG AND A FREAKING BABY SHOWER all within 48 hours of one another next weekend.

That is the answer I wanted to give. Instead...

"I guess it is just that time of them month."

Him, "Hmm, ok goodnight."

Me, "Goodnight."

He falls asleep within minutes. I lay there with tears streaming down my face feeling so incredibly alone. He is usually very supportive, albiet not quite understanding what the problem is, he still thinks it will happen when it happens. But it is starting to weigh on me, the feeling as if I'm the crazy one because it affects me so strongly, because it hits me so hard. Ultimately, what I need and what I want are answers but he can't give them to me. So I would settle for a hug or an "it's ok to feel this way". I just need to feel like I'm not crazy.

My HSG is Friday at 9:45, maybe we'll get some of my answers then. Good or bad I'll just be glad to have something to go forward with. Wish me luck.

"I don't know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every other part of my body is broken too."
-Missy Altijd

18 comments:

Josh & Karly said...

We don't know each other, we have never met, but we can still be 'alone' together. I could have written this post, as i too spent last night with tears on my face beside a snoring husband. Cramps, AF, another month with no BFP, and the thought of going to a baby shower the next afternoon left me weak, vulnerable and alone.
Hopefully there is comfort to be found from knowing there is always the togetherness and understanding from those who are also feeling alone.

Anonymous said...

Hi Bev. I have not been trying nearly as long as you, but I know exactly how you feel. The last few weeks especially (we're on a TTC break while I figure out a course of treatment for a uterine fibroid), I've just been feeling like NOTHING will feel right or good again until my body stops failing me. My husband is supportive but he too thinks it'll happen when it happens, and I think it is a female thing to feel like a failure, no matter WHAT the problem is that's causing the TTTC. Anyhow, I hope you get some answers with your HSG--and I pray that you get some peace with whatever happens.

Jen said...

It's like you were sleeping in our bed last month! (Which sounds really creepy...) Infertility is just a completely different experience for a man - it doesn't consume them the way it does us.

Good luck with the HSG - I hope you get the answers you need.

Tabitha said...

Hi Bev. I can definitely relate to this post. "Alone" definitely describes how I feel a lot these days. I firmly believe that unless you have been through IF or difficulty concieving you just don't get it. My friends are all either happily pregnant or parents and they most definitely don't get it. My mom is supportive but never had to deal with any of this. My husband is supportive but doesn't understand why I'm so "negative", while he's so positive and is convinced we've just had bad timing and that is why we aren't getting pregnant. Not only that but his other big theory as to why we haven't concieved is because we "just don't have enough sex."

AF came again yet again for me this week after I had convinced myself that I was having some real symptoms. I actually let my mind wonder to picking out things for the nursery, looked at the pottery barn baby catalog I got in the mail. Then like a slap in the face AF shows a few days later. How did I deal? I locked myself in the bathroom and cried. I also cried myself to sleep that night as my husband laid beside me sleeping, blissfully ignorant of my sadness. June/July will mark two years since we went off BCP's and I just can't believe that this is our journey.

I am so glad that I have found your blog. It honestly helps so much to know that I am not alone in all of this even though it feels so very much like it most of the time. I don't have a blog on blogger but I do write in mine on myspace from time to time. If you have an account there send me an add sometime if you would like. I feel like I have found a kindred spirit as you write about so many feelings that I'm going through as well.

I also am having an HSG this week, scheduled for Wednesday morning. I'm nervous as hell but also glad to be moving forward. I'll be thinking of you on Friday and hope all goes well with yours as well.

Anonymous said...

Bunnies- I know you from the Nest. I follow your blog religiously. I'm not in your boat, but I have tremendous sympathy for you. There are so many people out there who can/will listen to you, I'm so bittersweet about your blog b/c it helps so many and seems to be a release for you, but w/o your IF you'd never have this blog and not feel so alone.
I've never met you, but I feel so connected to your story. Page me if you want to talk
ab&jim

Tracey said...

I'm sorry, it is all so painful. Good luck on your HSG. I hope you get some answers soon.

LifeHopes said...

I can totally relate to this post. So many times I have cried myself to sleep, trying not to wake my husband up b/c my pain is just unbearable - all the while wishing he would wake up and hold me!

Your day will come. Let's try to keep that candle (even if only a flicker) of hope burning.

Anonymous said...

Bev, I'm so sorry you feel so alone. I can relate - although it's great that husbands take the postivie "this will happen when it happens" approach, it's also frustrating. Like I've said before - it's not their body, and so they're not going through the emotional rollercoaster, the feelings of failure, the contstant thinking about whether or not you'll get pregnant.

Last night I was hanging out with two girlfriends who both had babies in the past 4 months. I literally felt like an alien. I couldn't relate to anything they were talking about, and they couldn't seem to talk about anything other than babies. I felt like a 10 year old girl in a room full of women, that's how different I felt from them.

This journey is so hard. Your blog is an inspiration, and so is your ability to keep trying and keep hoping. It's okay to have "down" times, and moments where you lose your faith. You're in my prayers.

Wifezzilla said...

I hope you get answers soon. The bright side (if there is one) is there are many options out there that you have not yet explored. I don't expectthat this will make you feel better, but at the very least you know that this isn't a dead end. Good luck, and happy superbowl freaking sunday!

Anonymous said...

Even if your husband seems to think it will happen intime, he may be going through his own set of emotions. Good luck to you, Take care!

Jennifer said...

Good luck with the HSG! I had one on January 17th and it wasn't bad at all. You'll do fine and I hope you get the answers you're looking for.

Diana said...

I'm so very sorry. Yes it hurts every single time. Please tell him exactly what you wrote. That you need a hug and that you need him tell tell you it's ok to feel this way. He's not stupid, he just doesn't understand and he won't unless you spell it out for him. He sounds like a good guy, he did recognize something was wrong. Please open up to him so he can support you better. None of us should ever feel alone in this.

Best wishes for your HSG. I hope it goes very well.

KYRN from the nest said...

Hey Bev, as always I can relate to your post. One day last month there was some T-TTC related event and I can't remember exactly what it was, I think that 200mg of clomid did not work. I was not in the best mood and feeling really down. My husband asks whats wrong and like you I had a whole list I wanted to blast him with but instead I just said oh just sad I guess that I'm not gonna get pregnant this month. He looks at me and says "so are you just going to be a bitch until you get pregnant?" Ouch, that one hurt and I felt so alone

MotherBucker said...

As always, hugs to you. You are so strong. I really admire you. And you put into words what so many women are feeling (and have felt).

I had an HSG, it's not so terribly awful. If you have any questions, let me know!

cocojack10 said...

Hey Bev. I felt the same way on Friday night... and burst into tears in the shower! Even though AF has not yet arrived, I know she will, and and there is another month w/out a BFP.

SIL has 2 kids, and is super skinny, and I'm all depressed b/c I can't make one child, or go on a hardcore diet b/c we are TTC and don't want to overdo anything.

Talk to DH and vent to him... you two were married for the good times and the bad. Sometimes all we need is to be held to feel better... I know I do.

Stay strong, and hope you get answers soon! GL Friday.

Anonymous said...

I love reading your blog. I feel like it's my own words and experiences that you are posting. I am in a very simular situation, with the same DH, the same HSG, (mine is Tomorow) and the same feeling. I'll pray for yours if you pray for mine!

Anonymous said...

Wow- I understand how you are feeling, as i am going thru the SAME exact thing. Just found out about another failed IUI, and now we are going to start IVF. TO top if off, my best friend just told me she is pregnant. hmmm. how nice. Just know you are not alone- there are many of us out here going thru this very same thing. Best of luck to you.

tiggerladyjj said...

I know you as "Bunnies" and found your blog again through a fellow nestie (I'm Jamers125). For the past few months I haven't been around BOTB where I first saw your story, but I've been curious about you since it seems a lot of the girls I "knew" on there aren't around anymore when I check in. I'm so sorry that you're still struggling with this. I just hit the 7-month mark and had a similar crying night last week when AF showed up. DH just didn't get why I was in a funk. As he slept soundly, I snuck out of bed to go sob by myself in the living room. I know that 7 months isn't the same as almost 2 years, but I wanted to say (kinda like Josh & Karly did) that we can kinda be alone together - if that makes sense. Support is really all we can give each other.

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