Friday, January 25, 2008

When it rains...

As an Oregonian I take the saying "When it rains, it pours" quite literally. When it rains here it actually does pour, and for long periods of time. However, this week has been quite lovely, weather-wise. Freeze your ass off cold, yes, but beautiful. Unfortunately, it was my life this week and not the Portland rain that brings this cliche phrase to mind.

For legal reasons I wasn't able to disclose why I was working so much in my last blog entry. Now that it is over I can talk freely about why my week sucked so bad, well, one of the reasons it sucked so bad. It can be summed up in one word... layoffs. I'm pretty sure it is a term that when heard, it is impossible for anyone in the HR field to not feel absolute dread.

For myself I don't think I can hear this word ever again without feeling physically ill. I've had some challenging jobs in my life but nothing is as hard as looking someone in the face and telling them that they are being laid off. The shock, the anger, the confusion, the hurt. It is all there.

I dealt with the angry ones best. When they're angry at you for something that you had no hand in, it is easier to remove yourself and simply get through your presentation in a matter-of-fact-way. The ones whose faces fell and hands shook while they held the severance packages, those were the ones that hit home. The ones who asked "What did I do wrong?" or the ones who told us "I just had a new baby" or "I just bought a new home". Those just about killed me. What also killed me was not being able to say "I'm sorry". I'm a compassionate person, a softie. All I wanted to do was tell them "I am so, so sorry" and I couldn't. The reasoning being that as a Human Resources person you represent the company, the company is not sorry, the company is doing what it has to do. To the company it is unfortunate, but by saying they are sorry they are admitting that there is actually something to be sorry for. So they cannot be sorry. As for me as a person, not an HR professional, I am so, incredibly sorry.

Aside from the heart-wrenching layoffs, I am absolutely exhausted. I had to get up at insane times in the morning for the layoffs. 4:15 am to be exact and would get home after 7:00 at night. To be fair I did have some breaks during the day, but I haven't have an actual day off since the Sunday before last. It is exhausting, both physically and mentally.

So that is the rain. Here is the pours. I ovulated last Thursday, CD 9. Holy early ovulation batman! The one and only other time I have O'ed on CD 9 in the past TWO YEARS was in November when I had my horrendous hemorrhagic cyst. So that definitely freaked me out.

Fast forward to yesterday, 7 DPO. Pink spotting. Not my usual brown but pink. Ok, weird. This would be so, SO early for my usual spotting so immediately my mind goes to...implantation? Could it be? Ok, so here is the point where I overshare. I spent my entire day inspecting my underwear for signs of my usual spotting. It was nowhere to be seen. Oh, the hope! It was there, I tried to convince myself otherwise last night when the spotting started. I didn't want my hopes up. It has been so long since I've actually gotten my hopes up. But it crept in today, without the brown spotting I let my mind wander to the possibility of implantation spotting. The possibility of a BFP right before the dreaded HSG scheduled for a couple weeks from now. The BFP after two years of trying. The BFP on my break cycle. We weren't even trying! I thought about it all day. My mind wandered to thoughts I haven't had in months, to baby names, to telling people the incredible news. By the time I got home I was almost convinced. Almost.

Other IFers will confirm this. When you first start TTC, you're pretty much convinced you are pregnant every single cycle until you get your period. When you're dealing with IF you're pretty much convinced you're not pregnant every single cycle until it doesn't show. Even then I'm pretty sure I won't be convinced. At this point, I don't even know if I'll believe my doctor when she tells me "You are pregnant". I'll need a re-test, just to be sure. I don't know how I'll wrap my head around it.

Tonight I was so hopeful and was almost convinced but the little IF voice in the back of my head was nagging at me, telling me to be realistic. My body is known for playing tricks on me. This is just another one of its cruel games. It is funny how when you're infertile your body turns into your worst enemy. As of tonight the brown spotting has started, same story, different day. Heartbroken, yes. Surprised, not at all. I've lost count but I'm pretty sure the score is Bev 0, Body 23....soon to be 24. I mean after this week is this really necessary? REALLY? Way to kick a girl while she's down.

On the other hand, I am still thankful. I still have my job. I didn't have to go home to my family and tell them I lost my job on Wednesday. I don't have to start from scratch after 10 years of working at the same company. For that, I am thankful. At least that does put things in perspective a bit. I think that they'll agree that, when it rains... it certainly does pour.

"God, grant my the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
- Reinhold Niebuhr


Trish said...

I'm sorry you have to be the bearer of bad news.
And about AF.

And wow did I identify with the being convinced it's not going to happen.

For me, it started with the getting pregnant. Then after 2 miscarriages it's because nothing good will ever happen.

IF sucks.

Wifezzilla said...

I always have hope for you. Just so you know, even if YOU dont think you can feel optimistic and deall with this for yet another month, there are others out here hoping for you! maybe you can take a break? lol, i highly doubt you'd say it is possible.

but really, i am being truthful whenn i say that when you feel like it is impossible to be homeful and happy (this goes to Trish also - there are others out there supporting you with their hopes for your happiness.

good luck.

casicola said...

I am so sorry that it is raining and then pouring...its like you want to look up at the clouds and say, "are you freakin kidding me?" And not to give you hope....but my sister n law has the same pre AF spotting and she called me and said at around 7 DPO, omg I just took a dump (sorry TMI), I always do before aunt flo and now I have black/brown/red spotting....and she had it from 7 or 8 dpo to 13 dpo and she tested and bam..she was pregnant. She is having a lil girl in 4 weeks. She swore and was sure that she wasnt pregnant. I am a pre AF spotter too and I actually thought at first implantation but then after 3 days I was sure she was on her way to another period. Nope. So maybe. I like to think maybe for you. I would love for you to be able to dust off those pottery barn kids mags again:)

Diana said...

WOW, that is a crappy week. I am sorry you had to go through that. I doubt many people realize what a tough job it is for the person delivering the news.

Sorry about AF coming soon, that really sucks. It always sucks.

calhoun said...

ugh, what a crapfest. I'm sorry, and good luck on your HSG.

jimmysgirl19 said...

Urgh. I am sorry about work and the spotting. Even when you give up hope, I promise to keep hoping for you:)

oh, kennedy said...

I just received this e-mail, it reminded me of a previous post you made. Hope you haven't seen it yet (warning: it's long)-

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors'

choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forcesk violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene lno doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by a bunch of drunken chimps,Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f**king kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep.



Wendi Aarons

Austin , TX

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