I am trying my hardest not to think that it means anything for sure, but really my mind is racing. I tell myself, and others, that I would really just be grateful to not have any spotting, because I should be thankful for little blessings, right? I've dealt with it, with no explanation, for over a year now and I would be so glad if it was something as little as my progesterone levels that caused it (although why the hell have my tests always come up perfectly normal? Grr!). However, I'm straight out lying when I say "If the spotting doesn't show but its still a BFN, I'll be happy with at least that." I'm lying, lying, lying... I'll be crushed. It'll be like my body has PUNK'ed my ass big time, a la Ashton Kutcher, except I'm not a celebrity and it isn't really funny. My uterus will say to my ovaries,
Ute: "We really got her good this time!"
Ovie: "Yeah! What a sucker! PSYCH!"
...and then they'll high-five.
On top of that, I can't get my hopes up too much because I really don't have any symptoms whatsoever. At all. I'm tired, but then again I'm always tired. My job drains me and I don't think I've felt completely awake or alert since I started the damn thing in December. I know it would be early for symptoms, but couldn't I just have one bout of extreme nausea? Just one? Come sore nipples perhaps? No? Come ON!
Lastly, my quote is long this time and I know that some people they get a little miffed by the first part about being a better mother. For me it is not saying that I'll be a better mother than anyone but myself. I'll be a better mother than the me from two years ago, when we just began this journey. In a way infertility has been a blessing in disguise. Even it if doesn't work this time, or next time, or at all and we end up adopting our child, that child will know, its entire life, that it was wanted so desperately and loved so much, long before its life even began.
"Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.I have learned to appreciate life.Yes I will be a wonderful mother."