Friday, April 25, 2008

Spot Watch 4/25/2008...


I am trying my hardest not to think that it means anything for sure, but really my mind is racing. I tell myself, and others, that I would really just be grateful to not have any spotting, because I should be thankful for little blessings, right? I've dealt with it, with no explanation, for over a year now and I would be so glad if it was something as little as my progesterone levels that caused it (although why the hell have my tests always come up perfectly normal? Grr!). However, I'm straight out lying when I say "If the spotting doesn't show but its still a BFN, I'll be happy with at least that." I'm lying, lying, lying... I'll be crushed. It'll be like my body has PUNK'ed my ass big time, a la Ashton Kutcher, except I'm not a celebrity and it isn't really funny. My uterus will say to my ovaries,

Ute: "We really got her good this time!"
Ovie: "Yeah! What a sucker! PSYCH!"

...and then they'll high-five.

On top of that, I can't get my hopes up too much because I really don't have any symptoms whatsoever. At all. I'm tired, but then again I'm always tired. My job drains me and I don't think I've felt completely awake or alert since I started the damn thing in December. I know it would be early for symptoms, but couldn't I just have one bout of extreme nausea? Just one? Come sore nipples perhaps? No? Come ON!

Lastly, my quote is long this time and I know that some people they get a little miffed by the first part about being a better mother. For me it is not saying that I'll be a better mother than anyone but myself. I'll be a better mother than the me from two years ago, when we just began this journey. In a way infertility has been a blessing in disguise. Even it if doesn't work this time, or next time, or at all and we end up adopting our child, that child will know, its entire life, that it was wanted so desperately and loved so much, long before its life even began.

"Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.I have learned to appreciate life.Yes I will be a wonderful mother."


Diana said...

YAY for no spotting!!!!! Looking forward to your beta!

Anonymous said...

That quote just brought me to tears. Thank you so much for posting that; you have no idea how much those words helped me.

I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you that this is your cycle. But whether it is this cycle or another cycle, or another way, I know there is a baby out there just waiting for you. You are going to be an absolutely amazing mother.

Anonymous said...

Hi, a random anonymous Nestie lurker here. Your story is really inspiring and I love reading your blog. I am really hoping this is your cycle, and it looks like it may be!

But it's totally 11dpo/iui, so when are you planning on testing?

Best of luck to you Bunnies. :)

Anonymous said...

Oh Bev, I'm really praying that this is your time. I'm so sending no spotting = positive hpt test dust to you. When I got pg (which sadly ended in mc on 4/11) the first symptom was a zit on my chin, mind you I normally have perfectly clear skin, but not that time....I truly hope that you get what you and Rob have been waiting so long to have. Lots of pregnant dust to you!

Shanny =)

Mr and Mrs M said...

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!
I never thought I would want something so much for a complete stranger in my entire life.
The poem at the end was beautiful. Where do you find your quotes?

Marcy said...

Actually, when you posted a couple days ago that you were starving and eating everything in sight, I took that as a possible pregnancy sign. ;)

At the same time, I had absolutely no signs before my BFP.

That quote is beautiful. And I know I can never compare my experience to yours-- yes, I longed for a child and knew a family was the only thing I've ever been sure that I wanted in life, but pregnancy came to me easily and I have never had to deal with the pain of infertility. But I feel like I should say something, that just b/c you don't feel 100% happy and appreciative all the time doesn't make you a bad or a worse mother. I say this not in my own defense as a mother, but for you, so that you know that when you do have that baby and you feel yourself getting frustrated, upset, even angry, from lack of sleep or that the baby's not easting, etc, that you won't be a "worse" mother b/c you felt frustrated.

I don't know if I'm saying this right, and I hope I'm not offending or angering anyone as that's not my intent. I guess I just mean that, as wonderful as motherhood is and as amazing as my baby is, as much as I've always wanted him my whole life, these first few months with him have been so.incredibly.hard, and it shocked me b/c I didn't expect to have this much trouble. I guess I just don't want you to have these high expectations of how you'll be and then feel disappointed with yourself if in the beginning it's not always quite as wonderful as you'd imagined.

Hayley said...

Hello. Just delurkig to wish you luck and tell you how much I loved that poem. Im going to print it out and hang it for my fertile myrtle friends to see (lets see that smug look on the faces dissolve! - yes, I am bitter!) Im currently 5 weeks pregnant and terrified due to previous miscarriages but the first symptom I had was zits all over my forehead, just like a teenager! Hope this is it for you! FX FX FX

ams8099 said...

However, I'm straight out lying when I say "If the spotting doesn't show but its still a BFN, I'll be happy with at least that."

I know exactly what you mean! I have been doing that since I have been taking an (over the counter) supplement (vitex) that has been making ovulate. I will be happy if I just ovulate. It's a bold face lie. Will you be testing soon?

Queenie. . . said...

That poem is lovely.

Do the med's screw up home PG tests? Is that why you haven't POAS-d?

s.e. said...

An absolutely beautiful quote and I fully agree. We will someday be amazing parents. Shoo, spot, shoo!

Bev said...

Hey Marcy :),

I know what you're trying to say, I really don't think it will always be sunshine and rainbows. Really, I know this.

The thing is, I feel like the only other thing that has been harder in my life than infertility was losing my dad. So with both of those experiences on my "life resume" I really feel like everything else is just peanuts in comparison.

I'm sure that when the baby is screaming blue murder, and I haven't slept in two days I will absolutely be frustrated beyond believe, I won't be happy just because the baby is crying, I'll be wishing it was sleeping because, damnit it, I want to SLEEP! I totally know this ... its just I think I may be able to look back at the things I've already gone through in my life and think, girl, this most definitely isn't the worst of it! It sucks, but it is so worth it.

Sure I may have bags the size of Texas underneath my eyes, and I may just lose my damn mind if the baby doesn't stop screaming, but for me, I'll take that kind of frustration anyday over the pain of infertility. I can deal with frustration, at least I hope so! Hopefully I get the chance to test myself on that statement!

However, I'm sure there will be times at the peak of my frustration where I may think "I waited for THIS?? Who is this demon child?!"

Ok, this is so long, almost like a blog entry! But I just want you to know, I know it is going to be hard and I admire every mother because of it. You may have times when you're super frustrated or not feeling so wonderful, but remember, I think you're awesome!


Mike, Liz and Mark said...

beautiful, and I know what you mean by that quote. I know not everyone "gets" it, but it has helped many a woman who has faced IF or gone through the adoption process. And even more so now, as you start your parenting journey, it'll mean even more to you.

tiggerladyjj said...

So I'm reading this way after the fact, but I had to let you know that I'm sitting here in tears over that peom/quote you used. I have a couple of friends IRL who "get" it, but most other people just don't. I want them all to read that. Thanks for posting it.

Since I'm reading it late and know your pg now, I was thinking to myself, "Yes, she will be SUCH the wonderful mother, and all the better for having gone through this journey." :o)

~Jamie (nestie Jamers125)

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