Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Sigh...

Alright, I did it. Dirty damn deleted. I still don't believe in CIO at all, but I see where people are coming from being all up in arms about the post. I guess I didn't read into the link as well as I should, I reread it and definitely understand.

I do NOT believe in CIO for my own children, and when I mean CIO I mean when it involves just letting a baby cry and cry and cry. Just plain letting them cry themselves into exhaustion. That is something I would never ever do for Lucy...only because I would feel cruel. Because I want sleeping to be something she equates with warmth, relaxation and security, not crying until she passes out.

You do whatever works for you, I'll do what works for me. I dislike dirty deleting but I never put it out there to be judgmental or self righteous and honestly just feel like getting rid of everything from today. I want this blog to be about Lucy and my own adventures in parenting, not a sounding board for what kind of parenting is the best, or worst. I've taken a step back and reevaluated what I want to write about--and that is Lucy, my family, how much fun we're having and sharing lots of pictures. I don't want it to be about soapboxes and how you should or shouldn't parent because frankly, that is your business.

Sorry for those of you who spent time responding, I definitely took everything to heart and I appreciate your input. I'm sure I'll get some not-so-nice comments for deleting too but that's cool. You say what you feel you need to. I myself am moving on from it.


PS. I'm putting the Lucy pictures post from today above this one because its THAT is what I want my blog to be about.


24 comments:

lanie said...

You're so sweet. Too funny. We'd have much in common if we ever met.

No worries. You just need to know that sometimes CIO and AP and all the other labels are just that. Just labels. And they aren't healthy when used as soapboxes, even if its not our intention.

Overall, we're all a bunch of exhausted well-intentioned parents just trying to get by without raising a criminal or an emo cutter kid. Loving them to pieces is the easy part, everything else? Not so much.

;)

stephanie said...

Perfectly put. :)

Jamie @ Baldwin Bungalow said...

Trust me when I say I know what it feels like to put something in writing and then not get the type of response I was hoping for or get people irritated with me. Not fun, especially since I h.a.t.e confrontation! While I may not agree with what you write, you should be able to write what you want and hopefully have people respond maturely. I hope my response was kind...I was trying to be! I've known you for a long time - hopefully you could get my drift in what I wrote! I love ya! :)

Emily said...

I totally feel where you're coming from about CIO. I prefer the FIO approach... I made it up. Fussing It Out is totally something that works for me but when my son went into all-out gutteral screaming, it usually ended in throwing up on himself, which was more work for me than going back in a time or two.

You go right on ahead and DD all you want, it's your blog!

Anastasia said...

I agree completely with lanie above. When you're saying CIO and meaning letting the child cry endlessly into exhaustion? That, to me, is just a caricature. It's an invention. Just like people invent ugly fictions about attachment parenting.

Beverley said...

See this is the thing, I actually had several people who had suggested, when Lucy has having trouble sleeping in her crib, just to let her cry. In one person's words "eventually she'll just cry herself to sleep and then she'll realize that she isn't going to get what she wants." I don't want that kind of resignation in my child. So the fact that this was suggested to me by multiple people made my think that it wasn't an invention. Although I wish it was...

Ruth said...

It's all about your circumstances. With my first son, I felt the same way as you - why would I let my baby cry when there's no need, and I can stop it? Fast forward 3.5 years, now I have infant triplets and things are very different. I don't have all the time in the world to devote to one baby and their comfort at any given moment. I have a demanding preschooler (is there any other kind?) and three little ones who need the security of a more structured routine. Since I don't have 6 arms, they need to be able to go to sleep, and put themselves back to sleep, without as much intervention as my first son (who, btw, did not sleep through the night until he was 21 months old!).

I chose to use the Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child program, and although there was a small amount of crying in the beginning (10 minutes max), it has been phenomenal in terms of allowing them to get good naps and be well rested. I am exclusively breastfeeding them, so I still get up at night if one of them needs me, but right now that is only one of the three. Babies need to sleep, and whether they learn how to do it themselves or are always eased into it by a parent's intervention, is no reflection on the parenting quality.

I didn't read the comments from your previous post, but I'm sorry some people chose to resort to name-calling. However, that article you linked did make me feel guilty and sad about the fact that my circumstances require a bit of CIO on occasion. We are all just doing our best, you know.

Shawn said...

Bev, you rock girl! This is YOUR baby and WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO DO, is just that, you choice. Don't listen to people who just want to be a sore thumb.

Keep doing what you do!

Katherine said...

I think the reason people get all 'up in arms' about stuff like this is I guess that we all realize this is the biggest job ever, and we want to do it well. People get passionate about parenting, as they should. It's just in normal society we don't express those feelings (well, at least most of us don't), and online you are easily able to hide behind the veil of an avator or pseudynom, or at least some degree of anonymity.

This is part of why since moving to Portland I haven't joined any type of moms group. Perhaps I am a coward, but I am afraid to put out there something, like you did Bev, and feel trampled for it - only in person. I hate confrontation.

I don't CIO, but I also had a great sleeper so I guess my opinion is a bit biased.

Jen said...

I saw your original post, and immediately thought, "duuuuude." People hate when you take a stance! For some reason, people love to send me hatemail and hate comments (ANON, natch) if I disagree with something they believe.

I was going to comment and ask how you handled sleep! You should write about it - I'm interested!

We don't CIO. We do the whole Baby Whisperer thing. When we know she is tired, we do her routine. If she cries, we pick her up until she stops and then immediately put her down.

I don't care if people CIO, though. I just feel mean doing it. :)

Sweetpea said...

You have to do what works for yourself and your family. We don't CIO, instead when Em wakes up in the middle of the night we go in and snuggle her and let her know that we are there for her no matter what. Even if it's 2am and we all want to be sleeping. For us it works.

Sure some people think I'm doing it wrong becuase she's 9 1/2 months old and still not STTN, but we feel comfortable with the decisions that we are making for our family and that's all that matters.

Suzanne Incognito said...

Here's a secret...Children are individuals. (Shocker, I know)! Just like every parent has different needs and desires, so do their children. I could no more pretend to know what approach is best for my neighbor's child, as I could between babies in a set of multiples. Each individual child will respond differently to the techniques and style their parent chooses to apply to their development. ::Shock again::

I'm kinda sad that you deleted a post which clearly resonated with you originally, because you chose to post it. But that's a great thing about blogs, it's yours, and you can do with as you like! :)

"Parenting. It's not one size fits all."

-Suzanne (not yet a mom...)

Anonymous said...

We did our own version of CIO...more like fuss it out as a pp mentioned.

It's not so much about teaching your child that bedtime should be a cozy, loving experience....but it is teaching them how to self soothe. This is a valuable tool that spreads across a lot of aspects of life. It also about teaching them GOOD sleeping habits...that they have the power to put themselves back to sleep.

I know a lot of parents have tried this after their child is waking as a toddler. So just keep an open mind.

(not to be a jerk...but I also read sweatpeas blog and remember when she said she would get up with her baby until she goes to college...but then a month later was saying how she needed sleep so she was going to CIO after talking with the ped. This is so, so common and may be the cause of why people don't like the judgmental tone of "I could never do that to my baby...it is not right for our family"...because most of you will come over to the "dark side" at some point. The only difference is that we've been getting a full nights sleep for a lot longer.)

Beverley said...

I appreciate your comments, all of you.

However, I do not see how my saying that I will not do something that I do not believe is right for US is judgmental. This blog is about my family so the statement is a fact, and nothing more. You go ahead and do what works for you. :)

Sometimes I get a full nights sleep, sometimes I don't.It may take me a little longer to get onto a constant routine of a full nights sleep and I'm ok with that.

Anonymous said...

Well, we know who rules the roost in your house. Your 11 month old! Be a parent and teach her good sleeping habits now or you'll never get a goods night sleep nor will she. You can let her cry for a few minutes then go in pat her back and tell her it's alright then walk out. Do this over and over again and she'll get it. Kids have to learn to put themselves to sleep and bedtime is not negotiable. You won't have time to deal with sleep issues if you have more children.
Mom to 4 in CA.

Anonymous said...

You'll have your hands full if you aren't being firm because "you feel it would be cruel." Lots of what we have to do as parents isn't fun or makes our kids happy. It's called being a Mom, not a friend. This seems to get blurred a lot these days.
I have more experience than you so take it to heart.
AnnaBeth in Los Angeles
Mom to 3 (7, 5 and 4 months)
By the way all of my kids slept through the night by 3 months old. There was no throwing up, hysterics etc...you train them how to put themselves down.

Beverley said...

Anons,

I recognized that you have more experience, however, I don't necessarily think that means you are right and I am wrong. There isn't a right way and a wrong way. There is your way where you do what you feel is right and my way which I feel is right. And that is that.

I happen to not subscribe to your particular sleep training theories. Is there a possibility I may change my mind if she turns into some horrible sleeper? Maybe. But what we do now works for us. Until it doesn't I'm going to continue to do so.

Thank you for your input!

amanda said...

Beverly,

Just ignore these idiot Anons. As you said...it's your blog, and most importantly your baby. You are (obviously) entitled to parent and blog exactly the way that works for you and I am appalled that anyone would think otherwise.

Amanda

Kate said...

Self soothe? I don't subscribe to that.

I hope you all won't be eating your words when the nurses at the nursing home leave you alone to cry yourself to sleep and "self soothe" in a dark room. No one should have to go through that.

Do what's right for your family, Bev. Bravo.

To those who say they have more than one child and have to be "firm" in order to get any sleep--maybe having fewer children so you can care for each one without abandoning them at night is a better idea.

Just a thought.

Ashley said...

"abandoning them at night" seems a bit dramatic!

Anonymous said...

I agree, you aren't abandoning" them, you're training them how to fall asleep without you next to them. Kate-how dare you say those with more children should have fewer children? As a Mom to 4 I do have more experience than someone with one child under one years old. So yes, I do know more and have been through this 4 times already. Is my way the only way, of course not! Do I think it's easier to train a baby to sleep rather than waiting till they're a toddler, yes! Maybe you don't have a larger family like I do because you couldn't handle it! And being "firm" doesn't mean your abandoning your children. It's called being a parent - try it sometime.
Beverly-I am not trying to pass judgement on your mothering. Just giving my advice from experience as a Mom of 4.
Mom to 4 in CA.

Renee said...

To Ruth- Huge round of applause and a standing ovation for exclusively BF triplets!!

Beverley said...

Ladies, Ladies... let's keep it nice! It's almost Thanksgiving for goodness sake.

Go eat ( A LOT ) of turkey!!! :)

Amanda said...

I didn't read your initial entry, but everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I'm very pro-Ferber when it's appropriate. We did it with my son when he was 8 months old and I still say it was the best thing we have done so far. Our miserable, sleep-deprived baby turned into a pleasent, well-rested little guy who STTN and took two naps a day. But, it doesn't work for every family or every baby.

Everyone needs to figure out what works for them, and that involves some trial and error. We're all just trying to do what's best for our kids, and that varies wildly - that's why blanket statements regarding any parenting decision suck.

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