"My sister's-cousin's-roomate's-mother-in-law's-chiropractor has problems getting pregnant and she and her husband decided to adopt and *poof* they got pregnant!"
"Maybe God just didn't mean for you to be parents. I had friends who could not get pregnant and once they accepted that God didn't mean for them to be parents they were at peace."
"Maybe if you just stop thinking about it, it will happen"
"When used to breed dogs, I had one that couldn't get pregnant so I would hold her upside down after we bred her and she finally got pregnant...maybe if you stood on your head"
"You're having problems? Oh, well I have two kids and they are so much work, you should just enjoy your life without them!"
"Just relax and it will happen."
So I know that these people are all trying to be helpful but bottom line, IT IS NOT HELPFUL. It is always somewhat shocking because how can these people presume to know the problem when your own doctors cannot find anything wrong yet?
It is especially shocking when it comes from your very own partner in crime, your husband. That is what happened last night and since I know I'm going to get my period in just about 3 days I'm not in the greatest of moods. Cycle 18 is quickly approaching and it hurts. It's true I took it way personal, but this has been a tough couple of weeks.
Here's the story. We decide to go out to dinner and at dinner DH says to me, " So I told my uncle about what happened Monday (the SA Fiasco) and he said that him and my aunt tried for awhile and after she quit her job and stopped stressing that they got pregnant. You're stressed all the time, maybe that it is."
It's innocent, yes. And now that I look back I realize that he was just trying to help, but it hurt. Like it was something I was doing that was making us not get pregnant. I know that wasn't how he meant it, but that is what it said to me in big, bold flashing lights. I am a stressed personality but after 18 months of trying and three years off of birth control I'm pretty sure that it isn't just my stress level that is keeping us from getting pregnant. I got upset and then he got upset at me for being upset. I even teared up and when the waiter came by I made some silly excuse that my chicken curry was so spicy that it made me tear up.
I was quiet the rest of the night, but Rob just went along with playing his game and watching Karate Kid. As soon as we turned the lights off I couldn't be quiet any longer. I burst into tears for what felt like the millionth time in the last couple weeks. I accused him of not caring, which was wrong but I just wanted some sort of response. His response was that he cared about us getting pregnant but maybe it will just happen when it happens. Oh, no. Anything but that. His mother loves to say that "It'll happen when it happens." It will NOT happen when it happens! Are you kidding me? Honestly, talk about saying all the wrong things to an already emotional wreck of a person.
I lost it. Next month after his SA comes back I'm getting a HSG and a laprascopy to see what is wrong. I'm getting a hose filled with dye ATTACHED TO MY CROTCH and then it will fill me up like a freaking water balloon! Then if that doesn't find anything they are going to put me under, PUT ME UNDER, and will make an incision in my belly button and two on my bikini line and will try to get rid of any blockage in my fallopian tubes with a FRICKIN LASER.
I am not doing these things for fun. I am absolutely TERRIFIED of hospitals and of anesthesia and am absolutely terrified of these procedures, even as simple and everyday they are, I cannot explain the fear I feel when I think of them. But I'm going to do it because I don't think that it will just happen, I think that it is obvious that there is a problem and I'm willing to suck it up and do these things so we can get pregnant.
I was so upset last night. I haven't cried that hard in a long time and I think it was everything. Not just what Rob said. He didn't mean any of it in a mean way, but after the testing, the SA Fiasco, my brown spotting coming back this week which means we're not pg this cycle it I just lost it. I know that he thinks that if we just keep trying it will happen, but he doesn't have to live with the hoping every day that your cervical mucus is stretchy or that these cramps are ovulation cramps, and after that the two weeks of hoping that every odd twinge is a symptom. He doesn't have to feel like he's failed somehow after ever month goes by. He doesn't have to put up with the people asking "When are yoooouu going to have a baby?" or going to baby showers and trying to quash the jealousy you feel for another woman's pregnancy. As a man, I don't think that he'll ever realize how hard it has been. I know he feels awful, he hates it when I cry and when I'm upset, but he just cannot understand this.
His SA is this afternoon and after that we have a fun, busy weekend ahead of us so all infertility, baby talk, etc. is done for now and we'll just have fun together. I can't cry anymore and I don't want to. We'll just have fun being us this weekend and I'm going to try not to think about everything until the SA results are back next week. Until then... I'm just going to relax. Baby steps, right?
"Patience with others is Love, Patience with self is Hope, Patience with God is Faith."