Friday, August 24, 2007

Just relax.

There are lots of things that you should not say to someone dealing with infertility. Lots of them. But everyone turns into an expert when they hear you are having problems. Everyone has known someone that has had problems getting pregnant, and want to tell you what their solution was.

"My sister's-cousin's-roomate's-mother-in-law's-chiropractor has problems getting pregnant and she and her husband decided to adopt and *poof* they got pregnant!"

"Maybe God just didn't mean for you to be parents. I had friends who could not get pregnant and once they accepted that God didn't mean for them to be parents they were at peace."

"Maybe if you just stop thinking about it, it will happen"

"When used to breed dogs, I had one that couldn't get pregnant so I would hold her upside down after we bred her and she finally got pregnant...maybe if you stood on your head"

"You're having problems? Oh, well I have two kids and they are so much work, you should just enjoy your life without them!"

"Just relax and it will happen."

So I know that these people are all trying to be helpful but bottom line, IT IS NOT HELPFUL. It is always somewhat shocking because how can these people presume to know the problem when your own doctors cannot find anything wrong yet?

It is especially shocking when it comes from your very own partner in crime, your husband. That is what happened last night and since I know I'm going to get my period in just about 3 days I'm not in the greatest of moods. Cycle 18 is quickly approaching and it hurts. It's true I took it way personal, but this has been a tough couple of weeks.

Here's the story. We decide to go out to dinner and at dinner DH says to me, " So I told my uncle about what happened Monday (the SA Fiasco) and he said that him and my aunt tried for awhile and after she quit her job and stopped stressing that they got pregnant. You're stressed all the time, maybe that it is."

It's innocent, yes. And now that I look back I realize that he was just trying to help, but it hurt. Like it was something I was doing that was making us not get pregnant. I know that wasn't how he meant it, but that is what it said to me in big, bold flashing lights. I am a stressed personality but after 18 months of trying and three years off of birth control I'm pretty sure that it isn't just my stress level that is keeping us from getting pregnant. I got upset and then he got upset at me for being upset. I even teared up and when the waiter came by I made some silly excuse that my chicken curry was so spicy that it made me tear up.

I was quiet the rest of the night, but Rob just went along with playing his game and watching Karate Kid. As soon as we turned the lights off I couldn't be quiet any longer. I burst into tears for what felt like the millionth time in the last couple weeks. I accused him of not caring, which was wrong but I just wanted some sort of response. His response was that he cared about us getting pregnant but maybe it will just happen when it happens. Oh, no. Anything but that. His mother loves to say that "It'll happen when it happens." It will NOT happen when it happens! Are you kidding me? Honestly, talk about saying all the wrong things to an already emotional wreck of a person.

I lost it. Next month after his SA comes back I'm getting a HSG and a laprascopy to see what is wrong. I'm getting a hose filled with dye ATTACHED TO MY CROTCH and then it will fill me up like a freaking water balloon! Then if that doesn't find anything they are going to put me under, PUT ME UNDER, and will make an incision in my belly button and two on my bikini line and will try to get rid of any blockage in my fallopian tubes with a FRICKIN LASER.

I am not doing these things for fun. I am absolutely TERRIFIED of hospitals and of anesthesia and am absolutely terrified of these procedures, even as simple and everyday they are, I cannot explain the fear I feel when I think of them. But I'm going to do it because I don't think that it will just happen, I think that it is obvious that there is a problem and I'm willing to suck it up and do these things so we can get pregnant.

I was so upset last night. I haven't cried that hard in a long time and I think it was everything. Not just what Rob said. He didn't mean any of it in a mean way, but after the testing, the SA Fiasco, my brown spotting coming back this week which means we're not pg this cycle it I just lost it. I know that he thinks that if we just keep trying it will happen, but he doesn't have to live with the hoping every day that your cervical mucus is stretchy or that these cramps are ovulation cramps, and after that the two weeks of hoping that every odd twinge is a symptom. He doesn't have to feel like he's failed somehow after ever month goes by. He doesn't have to put up with the people asking "When are yoooouu going to have a baby?" or going to baby showers and trying to quash the jealousy you feel for another woman's pregnancy. As a man, I don't think that he'll ever realize how hard it has been. I know he feels awful, he hates it when I cry and when I'm upset, but he just cannot understand this.

His SA is this afternoon and after that we have a fun, busy weekend ahead of us so all infertility, baby talk, etc. is done for now and we'll just have fun together. I can't cry anymore and I don't want to. We'll just have fun being us this weekend and I'm going to try not to think about everything until the SA results are back next week. Until then... I'm just going to relax. Baby steps, right?

"Patience with others is Love, Patience with self is Hope, Patience with God is Faith."
-Adel Bestavros


Callie said...

I'm sorry... I haven't been trying as long as you but have been diagnosed with endometriosis and PCOS.. have had laproscopy and a hyterscopy twice.. it is not fun and I truly hope that you don't have to go thru that. The only benefit was that after the first round I had a reason... not a solution.. but at least a reason. I say stress all you want.. go get a massage.. drink a bottle of wine and know that your not alone. As for your husband...tell him that he needs to relax next time his team loses the big game!

Anonymous said...

You guys make a beautiful couple, I hope you don't lose yourselves in the journey towards parenthood. When you do eventually have a baby of your own, you'll appreciate it so much. There is nothing wrong with how you feel, I hope that you are able to get the answers you need. Thank you for your blog, I am here for you in spirit!

Diana said...

I love your quote at the end of this. Patience with your husband is key. He just doesn't get it but he will. It takes time for the men to really understand. Keep telling him your feelings when you are calm and he can respond to you. Also be clear with him what he is not allowed to say or even think! Relax should not be in his vocabulary and tell him why, because it implies you are doing something wrong. He doesn't realize this and won't until you make it clear for him.

Hugs to you this weekend, I hope you have a fantastic time.

Anonymous said...

Hi- I am routing for you over on BOTB. I can relate to the comments for sure! I recently m/c & two of my very good friends just love to tell me not to stress about it! One even went as far as to suggest that maybe that was why I m/c.... definately the WRONG thing to say!To stress is normal in times like this, and there is nothing we can do to stop it. I also have a MIL that says "It will happen when it happens. These things can't be planned." UGH! I wish you the best in the coming weeks!

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to tell you that I think you have amazing strength. I mean, you have to. Not to sound mean, but any woman "weaker" than you would have given up by this the couple you mentioned that proclaimed God didn't intend for them to be parents. Puh-lease. Where there's a will there's a way, and you have enough will and determination to keep pushing until you see two pink lines. Don't beat yourself up over things you cannot control. That said, however, you can help (and have been graciously helping) things along. Please stay proactive on this tough road to parenthood. I recognize that you're doing everything in your will to become a parent and I commend you for that. You are awesome for your courage. Keep strong, and I am certain you will see the fruits of your labor soon!

Marcy said...

I hate the "maybe God doesn't mean for you to have children" school of thought. Considering how many women get preghant and then abuse or mistreat their children, how can they be "meant to have children" and other couples like you and your husband, who clearly would be gre4at parents, not be meant to? It's ludicrous.

I know it's hard, but try to be patient with hubby. Show him this post, and try to teach him what sorts of things are or aren't helpful to hear. I think many men mean very well, but can be clueless sometimes even when they're just trying to help (but I think you know that already).

Kristyna said...

You are such a strong person, and I haven't been trying as long as you but I do understand the feelings. My DH will be going for his SA this week and it's all very stressful, for both of us. You are totally right though, they will never feel it the way we do. I am praying for you and wish you the best of luck on your journey.

Anonymous said...

I'm not going to say it will happen in time, or it isn't meant to be. I don't believe in aany of that stuff, and I don't believe it is helpful or constructive.

But since you are having a hard time conceiving, have you thought of taking a break? This kind of stress cannot be good for you, your body, and your marriage. Your relationship with your husband is quite important and I would hate to hear that this unfortunate stress is causing a riff.

You guys may be strong and can get though it, I don't know you personally to say otherwise. But I am sure you have other interests in your life that you can maybe focus on and begin enjoying again - as a woman and as a couple.

Who knows. Maybe a mental break is something that can only help.

Good luck, and stay strong!

Anonymous said...

Curious, does blogging and reading comments help? I would assume it helps to have a place to get things off yuur chest and vent.

Anonymous said...

i love your blog, and this post really hit home for me. especially the second to last paragraph, i was JUST saying these exact things to my husband a couple weeks ago when aunt flo showed up and i was crying for the millionth time. just wanted to say i really enjoy reading your blog and knowing i am not the only one who feels this way!

Anonymous said...

I can't stand it when people assume taking a break will somehow allow it to happen, as if you are the one causing it to not happen! I mean seriously, it doesn't help the situation and I am sure it has crossed your mind at least once, so why can't people just mind their own business?!
-Sorry, but I thought that person's comment was just rediculous...maybe it's just me, but that's how I feel.

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