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1. Praying on the toilet happens a lot. The prayer takes on several variations: "Please God do not make AF show up today" or "Please God make this HPT positive" or "Please God make this OPK positive" or "Please God don't let the spotting be back." It's funny that a large part of my prayers have been while actually sitting on the toilet during the past 18 months. I don't think God minds...right?
2. You can find support in the craziest places. A message board full of women I've never met before in my life have proven to be some of my strongest supporters! Who knew that people who have never even set eyes on me before would care about me so much. It is amazing.
3. Men really are from Mars. Apparently Mars is a place where trying to have a baby for a year and a half is no cause for concern. In Mars, things happen when they happen. I love my husband but honestly he.just.doesnt.get.it.
4. You learn something new about your body all the time. Most recently I found out that I have a crooked vein in my arm that makes it hard for the nurses in the lab to draw blood. This is not fun when you're going in for bloodwork twice a month. "Sweetie, I've almost got it" says the nurse who is at least 2 years younger than me while she jabs my arm for the 4th time. I think she enjoys this. Sadist.
5. We needed to put an expiration date on our TTC. Now I'm not saying give up, but for me I need an end in sight. We have decided to go as far as IUIs. It is a decision that we have recently come to and have made peace with. If we follow this plan we'll either be pregnant or have a baby by this time next year or we'll stop pursuing TTC through medical means. We'll do things together as a couple and enjoy each other without all of this pressure. You can't put this kind of pressure on a relationship for an unlimited amount of time, I'm just not willing to sacrifice "us" for something that has no guarantee. We'll go on some fabulous European vacation and I may pursue law school. We'll look to IVF and adoption in a couple of years. We're only 26, we have time.
6. I'll never get used to people asking "When will we hear the pitter patter of little feet?" or "When are yooooou going to have a baby?" It never gets easier and I will never ask anyone that. Ever.
7. Only is TTC is it acceptable to "internally check yourself" and talk about it to others who are on this same, crazy journey.
8. At some point you come to the realization about the very real possibility that you will not ever be like that pregnant woman checking out those cute onsies on aisle 4 in Target. When you start TTC every time you see a pregnant woman or a mother of a newborn you think "That could be me in 9 months" and it is so exciting. I can't pinpoint the exact day but at some point in this journey I realized, that may never be me. I may not be sporting super cute maternity clothes, I may never purchase a Bella band or register for newborn onesies, I may never feel the baby kick or experience labor like the women I live so vicariously through on TLC. At some point we will be parents, whether it is our own or adopted, but it is a hard realization to come to, that you may never be *that* woman.
"My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return."
-Maya Angelou
7 comments:
great lessons, and oh so true! Thanks for sharing. And, we all hope you'll one day, be THAT woman.
((hugs))
So insightful and so painfully truthful.
I hope your dreams of a family come true for you soon.
You are a very strong woman to be able to come to the conclusions that you have. However, it almost sounds as though you have given up, or close to it, and I hate to see you do that. Give the clomid a chance. So it didn't work the first time, things rarely do.
Best of luck to you, sweetie.
I respect and admire you so much for the honesty with which you've approached this. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this process has been for you, but you have handled it very bravely. You are an amazing woman and I hope you get all that you dream of.
The toilet-prayer thing doesn't end during TTC, either. In those early months, when my belly was barely a bloated bump that wasn't really noticeable the rest of the time, I'd go sit at the toilet and that would be the moment when I'd look down and think about the tiny creature inside, and say a prayer for him.
I think #5 is very wise. I think it's also good to know that you will be a mom someday, whether to a biological child or an adopted one. I know I would be just as devastated if I found out that I could never get pregnant, but I also believe that once I got past that disappointment I'd remember that those initial 9 months, as dreamy and idealized as they may be, are a drop in the bucket when it comes to 18+ years of raising a child and all the joys that come from it. =)
But, of course, still... the best of luck to you both.
You are so incredibly articulate and your language puts into words what so many of us are just realizing are even feelings. I feel so connected through this crazy journey. I truly enjoy reading your posts and wish and pray for your BFP very very soon.
*hugs*
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