If At First You Don't Succeed...

Try, try again. Right?

The spotting began again on CD 6 so I know as of Monday or Tuesday we'll be moving on to Cycle #21. I have my U/S scheduled tomorrow morning at 8:45 so at least I may get some answers from that.

I called the place where our HSG would be to ask about the cost and it will be $600. With Christmas and Real Estate expenses (which are ridiculous at the end of the year, not to mention I have no business right now) I just cannot justify spending it. We'll save up for it surely, and we already planned on cutting down on Christmas, because my job has been so slow. Most likely we will be able to get it done in Feb or March. I want to be able to pay it off in full because if you do that you get 20% off. You know I'm a sucker for a sale!

I told Rob I was sad about not being able to get the HSG done now and his response wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear. I have to remind myself that he's a guy, he really, really does not get this but it is hard sometimes. He said "Why?? What is the rush in getting it done?". I really think he believes that it will happen when it happens. He really doesn't think anything is wrong. I'm so aghast when he says thing like that. Obviously there is something wrong, we were off of birth control for over 2 years when we started TTC... then 21 months after actively trying we're still not pg. Maybe I should try explaining it in sports lingo. "Honey, we're not just missing the goal every month, after this many months, statistically speaking, we should have gotten one past the goalie. See there might be something else blocking that goal? In order for us to make a goal, whatever is in front of that goal has to be...removed.... get it?" Hmmm... maybe not. I'm not so good at sports lingo! I think I'd just confuse him more!

I think part of the reason I've been struggling with this lately is that it was this time last year when I was starting to get concerned. Cycle 10 and 11 I began to think, maybe there really is something wrong. I went though hoping for a BFP for Thanksgiving with the family... nope... then again hoping for it for Christmas...nope. I never imagined I would be baby-less, with no answers -- still hoping, still waiting. Deep down I honestly thought I would have a new baby right now or at least be pregnant. I feel like I'm further away from that than ever with this unexplained spotting and my not-so-great response to Clomid.

Also, work has been sooooo slow lately. I mean the real estate market up here, though in better shape than others, is so dead. I have no work to do, nothing...zip...zilch...nada. I am seriously contemplating a job change. I've even sent my resume out to several wine distributors, why not go for my dream job right now, right? I've been getting outside and working on cleaning up the yard, working out, taking the dogs to the dog park, obsessively cleaning my house, but I still think that if I had a job that really kept me stimulated and busy that I'd be able to deal with this better because I would have something else to focus my little obsessive compulsive mind on!

I won't be able to update about my U/S until my follow up appointment with Dr. Williams next week. But I'm actually making a promise of not posting a sad "I got AF" post next week. I'm working on a special Starting Cycle #21 blog edition for you all and it isn't going to be depressing in the least! YAY! Look for it in the beginning of next week! As always, I appreciate all of your support, prayers and thoughts more than you'll ever know.

"Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow."
-Dorothy Thompson