I was doing great today. Started the new job and am really looking forward to this new chapter in my professional life, I really feel like I'm taking a step forward. I was feeling really good, even though the spotting has been hanging around for the past 5 days now. I've already accepted that AF was well on her way and that there was going to be no Christmas BFP for me this year. That is, until I logged on to my computer tonight.
On my AIM instant messenger buddies was a name that I hadn't seen in forever. A person that was once a friend but who became someone who made a really difficult time in my life, (when my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and passed away within a matter of months), a thousand times worse happened to be logged on. I don't hate her, we were both basically just kids when everything happened. But whenever I see her name it really brings me back to that time when my dad was so sick and my friends were nowhere to be found. To her credit though, I'm sure she had no idea how to deal with me when I was greiving for my dad. I was a mess. I'm sure she's grown up since then, as have I. It is a long story from a long time ago...but I digress. Her away message reads, "Havin' A Baby!".
Reading that honestly made me feel like someone had punched me in the stomach and I have no idea why. Jealousy? Perhaps. Shock? Definitely. This is someone who honestly swore up and down that she would never have children and here she is, pregnant...and here I am, not pregnant. Oh, the irony.
So here I am feeling sorry for myself again. I'm a crazy rollercoaster ride of emotions right now. Why her and not me? I know it isn't a matter of who gets to go first but damn it stung to see that away message. Especially with AF most likely showing up tomorrow, I think I'm just being overly emotional but this hit me kind of hard tonight. Even though we're not friends anymore, we made our peace a long time ago and I do wish her the best... although more than anything I wish it was my turn.
"A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic...don't you think?
A little too ironic... I really do think..."
-Alanis Morissette "Ironic"