Monday, December 10, 2007

Sneaking back in...

...self pity. Damn it is a sneaky bastard.

I was doing great today. Started the new job and am really looking forward to this new chapter in my professional life, I really feel like I'm taking a step forward. I was feeling really good, even though the spotting has been hanging around for the past 5 days now. I've already accepted that AF was well on her way and that there was going to be no Christmas BFP for me this year. That is, until I logged on to my computer tonight.

On my AIM instant messenger buddies was a name that I hadn't seen in forever. A person that was once a friend but who became someone who made a really difficult time in my life, (when my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and passed away within a matter of months), a thousand times worse happened to be logged on. I don't hate her, we were both basically just kids when everything happened. But whenever I see her name it really brings me back to that time when my dad was so sick and my friends were nowhere to be found. To her credit though, I'm sure she had no idea how to deal with me when I was greiving for my dad. I was a mess. I'm sure she's grown up since then, as have I. It is a long story from a long time ago...but I digress. Her away message reads, "Havin' A Baby!".

Reading that honestly made me feel like someone had punched me in the stomach and I have no idea why. Jealousy? Perhaps. Shock? Definitely. This is someone who honestly swore up and down that she would never have children and here she is, pregnant...and here I am, not pregnant. Oh, the irony.

So here I am feeling sorry for myself again. I'm a crazy rollercoaster ride of emotions right now. Why her and not me? I know it isn't a matter of who gets to go first but damn it stung to see that away message. Especially with AF most likely showing up tomorrow, I think I'm just being overly emotional but this hit me kind of hard tonight. Even though we're not friends anymore, we made our peace a long time ago and I do wish her the best... although more than anything I wish it was my turn.

"A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic...don't you think?
A little too ironic... I really do think..."
-Alanis Morissette "Ironic"


oh, kennedy said...

hey bunnies,
i understand your frustration but there's a plan for all of us... and at some point yours WILL include a baby to love. i found your blog on the nest and have linked to it from my own blog because i enjoy reading it so much! :)

Anonymous said...

delete her from you AIM list! no worries, she simply isnt in your life anymore anyway. no need to force yourself to feel good about poeple who once made you feel badly anyway.

Anonymous said...

I know that someone slapped you accrossed the face...even when it's someone that you actually like. When its someone that you DON'T feels like you have been hit by a semi-truck. I just have to hang in there, and remember that God makes everything happen for a reason, even when we never see that reason. SIGH* I too suffer from the infamous "spotting" anywhere from 4 days to a week before my just makes your heart drop bc you know what it means. You are in my prayers!

Marcy said...

I know it sucks and I know it's hard, but when you feel that self-pity creep in try to instead focus on all the good things you do have in your life, that so so many others do not.

And, yes, it's definitely time to take that name off your AIM list! =)

Diana said...

Hugs to you, I am very sorry.

ck2m said...

I have friend who just told be she is 3month pregnant with her second baby. Her first just turned a year old and she has only been married 12months. I swear she sneezes and gets pregnant. I am not even trying to have a baby but for a week I felt depressed. Why does she get to have babies and I have to wait. Or why is it so easy for some and difficult for others. I know someday you will get your baby it might not be how you imaged it as little girl but you will get there. :) Take her off before it becomes an addiction to check her progress.

Anonymous said...

First time I post... kinda followed you on BOTB board, and, even though we haven't been TTC as long as you, I can totally feel your "pain/frusteration" when finding out others are pg. I too found out yesterday SIL's SIL is pg again. I'm very happy for her... she's already a great mom, but wish it were me. Hang in there bunnies... your day will come!

Krista said...

Oh I just got one of those too! Except this was a phone call from a long lost "friend." We are WTO on cycle #4 of clomid, Cycle #21 TTC (with 2 losses). I recently found your blog and I find we have very similar experiences. You're doing a great job. Keep blogging! and tons of *babydust*

cooksr said...

Hi there, I've been reading your blog for a little while (found it on the nest) and I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. I can't claim to have any idea what that must feel like - but the pp are right - it's time to take her off you AIM list.

Anonymous said...

Hi Bunnies,

I linked to your blog from the Nest quite some time ago and have followed your story ever since. I just want to say that I am sorry for your struggle with infertility. It isn't fair...but life isn't fair. I didn't really grasp this until recently, when it was discovered at 12 weeks that I had a missed miscarrige. I am heartbroken and dealing with the pain and grief that comes along with such an event. But despite this, we took our annual road trip to do some Christmas shopping this past weekend. And everywhere I looked there were babies, and people who were pregnant, and happy little families. As I stood there in tears it brought me right back to something you had written on your blog a long time ago about how hard it was to see your husband with children, knowing that you were struggling with infertility. And I honestly felt your pain. I know miscarriage and infertility are two different things...but the desire to be a mom is so strong it unites them. The feelings of sadness and despair are the same. Just know that everything will work out in the end; it just has to. I am putting all my trust in this just to get through the days, and I know there are brighter days ahead for both of us. Thank you so much for doing this blog.

Calhoun05 said...

Hey, bunnies. We never "talked" much on the nest, but I just wanted to say Hi. The AIM message must have really sucked. I'm so sorry, but I'm very excited for you and your new job. I think you're absolutely right that I think this is a way to turn the corner. I hope you have a wonderful holiday.

Tab2710 said...

I have been TTC for one year now, and I have been following your blog for several months. I know you have been TTC for longer than I have, but sometimes I feel like your words in your blog match what is going on in my head. I have an appointment in two weeks to see a Dr. to see if they can find something "wrong" with me, my husband has been tested and is good to go, and my body seems to be doing what it is supposed to at exactly the right time...yet still no baby. The only thing odd is that I have that spotting you talk about in your blogs, anywhere from 8 to 10 days past ovulation. So I was wondering, have you or your husband been diagnosed with any problems, or are you perfectly normal and just not concieving? You don't have to answer that if you don't want to, I'm just trying to figure out what to expect at my appointment in a few weeks. I noticed they put you on clomid, but I thought that was only for wemon who were not ovulating, and I thought that you were ovulating regularly like me...just curious!

Yodasmistress said...

There is only one person in my family I truly dislike. I can ALMOST say I hate her even. MySpace recently informed me she's pregnant. She just got married in April. Made me ANGRY and sad ... and ANGRY.


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