Monday, April 21, 2008

The Dreaded Two Week Wait...

... is absolutely driving me insane, crazy, batty, nutty this time around. I mean SERIOUSLY! I am physically and mentally incapable of thinking about anything else other than the outcome of this cycle. I wish I could will my mind to think about something, anything, but I simply cannot. Let me give you a little peek into the madness that is my mind right now:

"Am I?"

"Probably not"

"...But maybe"

"What if..."

"Damn, don't get your hopes up"

"...But maybe"

"15% chance w/IUI... that isn't so great"

"...it is way better than less that 3% on our own..."

"What if I have twins"

"What if I have triplets"

"Where would we put them all?"

"Don't be silly"

"I could tell my mom on Mother's Day"

"I would BE a Mom on Mother's Day"

"Stoppit, you're just torturing yourself, remember LAST Mother's Day? Same stuff, difference day"

"...But MAYBE"

"Stop, JUST STOP"


It is horrible, this perpetual state of "maybe", this limbo that goes on during these two short weeks it absolutely agonizing. I read the T-TTC boards on the nest and see girls who announce that they're pregnant after their first IUI and I think, "Yes, SEE self? It CAN happen?" Then I see the ones that tried 2...3...4...5...6 times unsuccessfully and had to move on to IVF and the negative thoughts come back. IUIs are basically the end of the road for us, TTC-wise, and that end just keeps getting closer with every month, it is looming in the distance. So right now all my energy in this 2ww is directed towards thinking and praying that I get a positive outcome. Ha, ha...get it? POSITIVE outcome? See? I have stooped to new levels of craziness, as that isn't even funny. Today I feel like I just cannot be in limbo for another week, for another couple of days even. These two weeks feel like another 2 years of this journey and I'm tired.

It is funny how my blog title really sums it all up for me right now. Right now I am truly defined by A Baby? Maybe...

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us, we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be"
- C.S. Lewis

13 comments:

s.e. said...

I could have written your post today. I have really been trying this last week to stay as positive as possible. This is not something I have tried in my past 2WW. I too had the plan of giving wonderful Mother's Day gifts this year in the form of an announcement. Hopefully this Mother's Day will have a whole new meaning for both of us.

I also had the realization the other day that when we say we can't make it through two weeks, what choice to we have but to wait? We have the exact same internal voice so either that makes us normal or me batty with you!

Maria (MKC101103) said...

I have been through too many 2ww's to count so I know what's racing through your mind right now.

I hope your 2ww goes quickly and ends with a POSITIVE outcome :)

ams8099 said...

I have my fingers crossed for you.

Rachel said...

I've been a lurker for a while now, but I just wanted to say hi! I'll be thinking positive thoughts for you during this two-week wait. My hubby and I decided to go the adoption route after our IUIs, and I still wonder every other month or so if maybe, just maybe I got pregnant this time. I hate the two-week wait.

My sister moved to Portland 5 years ago, and we love visiting there at least once per year!! It's such a gorgeous area.

ck2m said...

I am going to sound like a stalker but don't you have only one week left? Your half way there. You can do it only 7 more days, 168hrs till you get your mothers day surprise (fingers crossed)! I am hoping that you two get your little blessing this month.

liina said...

How do you find the quotes? They are always so spot on. As for the wait, I hear you - I don't do patience too well myself and the sucky thing is that once the 2ww is over there's a lot more waiting to be done (scans, etc.) All I can say is - you'll get there one day at a time.

Harmony said...

i have been keeping you in my thoughts! i hope the two weeks flys by for you!

theheges said...

I am really praying this is the month for you.

As someone who just finished up her first IUI, I know that exact feeling.

And I have that exact CS Lewis quote taped to my monitor.

Thanks for sharing this process with all of the other women who are just beginning. Its amazing to see the support you can glean from a simple blog.

Anonymous said...

I'm keeping you in my prayers, and hoping that you and Rob do get a positive outcome =)
Shanny

Jackie said...

Jen, we have similar stories. Our doc recommended IUI after 12 unsuccessful cycles. We decided to wait 2 more cycles for now, before going in for the IUI. We both have been tested for everything, and we have "supermodel organs," as you would say. I thought "for this is our cycle" practically every cycle, especially after the HSG and hearing all the success rates after the procedure.

I wish you only the best in your journey, and am crossing my fingers for you! And yes, the 2WW is horrible... we are just beginning ours. GL.

Bev said...

CK-

I love that your blog blog stalker. :)

Kacie said...

This post was your last two-week wait! Yay!

Pink Thumb said...

Hi!

I know this is a very old post but I just realized you subscribed to my house blog and I wanted to kindly come over and say hello...after reading your blog...I just wanted to comment and say I'm EXACTLY where you were 2 years ago and that I hope in two years, I will be where you are now. :D

PS I love Alice in Wonderland and I love that you quote it all the time.

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