"Damn, don't get your hopes up"
"15% chance w/IUI... that isn't so great"
"...it is way better than less that 3% on our own..."
"What if I have twins"
"What if I have triplets"
"Where would we put them all?"
"Don't be silly"
"I could tell my mom on Mother's Day"
"I would BE a Mom on Mother's Day"
"Stoppit, you're just torturing yourself, remember LAST Mother's Day? Same stuff, difference day"
"Stop, JUST STOP"
It is horrible, this perpetual state of "maybe", this limbo that goes on during these two short weeks it absolutely agonizing. I read the T-TTC boards on the nest and see girls who announce that they're pregnant after their first IUI and I think, "Yes, SEE self? It CAN happen?" Then I see the ones that tried 2...3...4...5...6 times unsuccessfully and had to move on to IVF and the negative thoughts come back. IUIs are basically the end of the road for us, TTC-wise, and that end just keeps getting closer with every month, it is looming in the distance. So right now all my energy in this 2ww is directed towards thinking and praying that I get a positive outcome. Ha, ha...get it? POSITIVE outcome? See? I have stooped to new levels of craziness, as that isn't even funny. Today I feel like I just cannot be in limbo for another week, for another couple of days even. These two weeks feel like another 2 years of this journey and I'm tired.
It is funny how my blog title really sums it all up for me right now. Right now I am truly defined by A Baby? Maybe...
"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us, we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be"
- C.S. Lewis