Here we go again...

No matter how much I think I'm going to be ok if AF shows up, I never am. I officially started Cycle #19 this morning and I just feel like this crazy rollercoaster ride of emotions is completely taking over my life.

It takes more energy than ever to focus on other things in my life. I struggle to keep my mind on work, especially since we're slow right now it is easy to let TTC completely infiltrate my brain when I should be focusing on work. I suppose it would be easier if I had a job where I *had* to be somewhere from 9 to 5, but with real estate you are only as busy as you make yourself. I need to be out there getting business is a slow market like this but when you've been trying to get pregnant for so long it becomes an obsession. It is all you can think about. I would give anything to keep my mind from thinking about it every minute of the day.

Then there is my friends. Only three of my friends know what is going on, the ones that don't know about what is going on I just cannot seem to make the effort to keep in touch with. Whenever they ask me out for drinks I never want to go. When I do it is all I can do to keep from screaming when they start complaining about petty fights with their boyfriends or complaining about their jobs. It isn't their fault but I'm so far from where they are in their lives I feel like I have nothing in common with them right now. I have so much more on my mind and even if I did tell them...they wouldn't understand. They're more concerned with what they're going to wear out to the new bar downtown this weekend, they couldn't even fathom getting married, let alone trying to have children. I hope they never understand what I'm going through, because I would never wish this on any of them. I feel like this past 19 months has aged me. It has forced me to grow up and in doing so I have grown apart from many of them.

I know I need to make the effort with both my job and my friends, but today is not the day. Today I'll feel sorry for myself. Tomorrow I will shake it off and start over, again.

"Hope has two beautiful daughters. Their names are anger and courage; anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are."

-Augustine of Hippo

Things I Have Learned...

Throughout this TTC journey I've learned many things. Here are just a few:

1. Praying on the toilet happens a lot. The prayer takes on several variations: "Please God do not make AF show up today" or "Please God make this HPT positive" or "Please God make this OPK positive" or "Please God don't let the spotting be back." It's funny that a large part of my prayers have been while actually sitting on the toilet during the past 18 months. I don't think God minds...right?

2. You can find support in the craziest places. A message board full of women I've never met before in my life have proven to be some of my strongest supporters! Who knew that people who have never even set eyes on me before would care about me so much. It is amazing.

3. Men really are from Mars. Apparently Mars is a place where trying to have a baby for a year and a half is no cause for concern. In Mars, things happen when they happen. I love my husband but honestly he.just.doesnt.get.it.

4. You learn something new about your body all the time. Most recently I found out that I have a crooked vein in my arm that makes it hard for the nurses in the lab to draw blood. This is not fun when you're going in for bloodwork twice a month. "Sweetie, I've almost got it" says the nurse who is at least 2 years younger than me while she jabs my arm for the 4th time. I think she enjoys this. Sadist.

5. We needed to put an expiration date on our TTC. Now I'm not saying give up, but for me I need an end in sight. We have decided to go as far as IUIs. It is a decision that we have recently come to and have made peace with. If we follow this plan we'll either be pregnant or have a baby by this time next year or we'll stop pursuing TTC through medical means. We'll do things together as a couple and enjoy each other without all of this pressure. You can't put this kind of pressure on a relationship for an unlimited amount of time, I'm just not willing to sacrifice "us" for something that has no guarantee. We'll go on some fabulous European vacation and I may pursue law school. We'll look to IVF and adoption in a couple of years. We're only 26, we have time.

6. I'll never get used to people asking "When will we hear the pitter patter of little feet?" or "When are yooooou going to have a baby?" It never gets easier and I will never ask anyone that. Ever.

7. Only is TTC is it acceptable to "internally check yourself" and talk about it to others who are on this same, crazy journey.

8. At some point you come to the realization about the very real possibility that you will not ever be like that pregnant woman checking out those cute onsies on aisle 4 in Target. When you start TTC every time you see a pregnant woman or a mother of a newborn you think "That could be me in 9 months" and it is so exciting. I can't pinpoint the exact day but at some point in this journey I realized, that may never be me. I may not be sporting super cute maternity clothes, I may never purchase a Bella band or register for newborn onesies, I may never feel the baby kick or experience labor like the women I live so vicariously through on TLC. At some point we will be parents, whether it is our own or adopted, but it is a hard realization to come to, that you may never be *that* woman.

"My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return."

-Maya Angelou

Bring on the symptoms!

So all my panic about my doctor wanting me to come in to discuss my bloodwork was totally unnecessary. I'm just a worrier by nature. So sue me!

So my doctor told me that I did indeed ovulate and also that my progesterone levels were great! Yay! I had mentioned that I was so glad because my OPKs and CBEFM didn't detect an O and she commented that "Oh, really? That is surprising because according to your bloodwork you ovulated really strongly!" She was so excited about it. I really, really like her. She had wanted me to come in so she could give me my next Rx for Clomid, in case I need it. She also told me that if I am pregnant then I should call and schedule the ultrasound for 7-8 weeks after my last period. She was so optimistic it made me so happy! Even if it doesn't work out this cycle the brown spotting is gone (obviously a progesterone problem which may explain why we haven't been able to get pregnant) and I really feel like I'm on track now! I'm so optimistic and believe me, it takes a lot for me to be this optimistic. Just ask my husband, when I told him how I was feeling about everything he said jokingly "Who is this optimistic person, where is my pessimistic wife?"

With that being said, since I now know that I O'ed you can fully expect my symptoms to come out in full force. For all I know they could be totally psychosomatic, as they have been for 18 cycles! But I'm not going to lie, my boobs are really sore this time. To make myself not hope too much, I get sore boobs right before AF too. How is that for too much information? Not to mention, as always during the 2ww, I have become a rabid "boob-grabber". Sounds weird, well that is because it is! I randomly press/grab on my boobs to see if they're sore. Seriously, it sounds weird, but ask anyone who has spent any time googling "pregnancy symptoms" or spent any amount of time on The Nest Baby message boards and they'll tell you they do it too. If they say they don't, well, they're lying. I find myself doing it at the oddest times, like sitting in traffic, talking on the phone, and even while cleaning my house.

Apparently I'm 11 or 12 days past ovulation and my LP is usually 15 days so that makes my two weeks wait insanely short this time around. It is so nice! Only a couple more days of reading into every twinge! I'll be testing sometime in the next couple of days only because I happen to have a free test from my OPK box. Part of me wants to test tomorrow, part of me wants to wait until Sunday. I have no idea what I'm going to do. To tell you the truth I'm absolutely terrified of either outcome. Isn't that funny? Wish me luck!

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure .It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciouslygive other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear,our presence automatically liberates others."
-Marianne Williamson

Just to keep me on my toes...

So I went in for my cycle day 21 bloodwork on Monday morning after still no clear confirmation of my O day. Today I get a call from my Doctor's office asking me to come in for a "follow-up" on my bloodwork. See this is where I get ridiculous, instead of simply asking the nurse if there is any way they could tell me more over the phone I just let her make me an appointment for 2:10 tomorrow afternoon. Why am I such a wimp? I mean I'm paying for these tests to be done but in my mind I almost feel like I don't get to get my answers over the phone. I should have just asked her but for some reason I just couldn't do it, probably because I'm struck dumb by the panicked voice in my head (note: I don't actually hear voices, don't worry!)

"If it was good news they wouldn't have me come in!"

"Maybe I didn't O after all"

"Maybe I've got low progesterone"

"Maybe they found something else"

"I'm probably not pregnant..."

That is how it would sound if I did in fact have a voice in my head...which I don't, I swear. I'm just really not an optimistic person, not anymore. I think my optimism left me waaaay back on Cycle #6 or something like that.

I just know that they don't have you come all the way in for nothing, and if I get there and find that they're just going to tell me that everything checked out ok I'll be pissed! Believe me not one would be more incredibly relieved than me if I found out that everything is going according to the plan!! However, since I'm paying for these IF related visits out of pocket, missing work and driving all the way to North Portland to this doctor I would not be a happy camper about them having me spend my time and money on something that could definitely be told over the phone. After that initial annoyance, I'd still be really excited though, don't get me wrong! Deep down I know that isn't the way this doctor works, so I'm just bracing myself for not-so-great news. I'm just hoping it isn't that I haven't O'ed at all... please let it be something little like low progesterone that I can be give meds for.

Although I do have some good news, the spotting has not started up on this cycle, so the Clomid must have done something right! That makes me really happy and it lets me hold on to the slightest bit of hope still... Wish me luck tomorrow!

"Three grand essentials to happieness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for."

-Joseph Addison

O-Watch 2007

So I've never been part of the TTC camp who thinks that it is torture actually waiting to O. I prescribe to the hater's of the two week wait after you ovulate group. I hate the waiting afterwards when you create make believe symptoms in your head. I am a master of this. Your head hurts? Pregnant. You feel a little sick after eating a massive lunch at Chevy's? Pregnant. You're a little tired after staying up until 1:00 watching Gilmore Girls reruns? Pregnant. Your right toe feels funny? Pregnant. Should I pee on a stick? Should I wait it out? ARGH!

However, this time around with the Clomid I I find myself counting the seconds until I ovulate. I'm usually a clockwork O on cycle day 15 kind of gal but since it came early last month (CD 11) I have forced myself seduce my husband every night since the Clomid ended (CD 9). Don't get me wrong, not that it isn't enjoyable... it is just different when you feel like everything is riding on these, er, sessions. Since his SA came back clear my doctor said there was no reason to "do it" every other day. I feel like we're on our second honeymoon and let me tell you, it is exhausting!

Here we are on CD 17 on no O yet... I think. Let me tell you why. I decided to double up using my CBEFM AND cheapy Ovulation Predictor Kits (OPKs) this month. CBEFMs are notorious for not working properly with Clomid, and even though my doctor said it would be fine just to use it I'm just not risking it! OPKs are ridiculous. They look JUST like pregnancy tests, two windows... one window always has a line the other only sometimes has a line. And a line is NOT a line when it comes to OPKs. A line could be nothing or a line could be O. The line has to be a particular shade of pink to indicate that you are actually Oing. So after the second line comes up you have to squint at it and turn it this way and that. Is it dark pink? Kind of dark pink? Half of it is dark pink? Peeonastick.com says that it the dark color must be at least 50% of the line.. is it

"Honey, are these lines exactly the same shade? Would you call that magenta? Fuchsia? Cerise? Would you say the second line is 50% dark? 75% dark?"

This is when he just stares at me like I've suddenly grown two heads.

On my Sunday OPK I got a pretty dark line... but I've had nothing since then. Was it 50% dark.. maybe, kind of... ok no... probably more of a 25% dark, which means WHAT? I don't know where I stand!! I broke down and bought the obscenely expensive digital OPKs, that instead of having the scrutinize the lines it simply gives you a happy face if you are Oing. So much easier... I now know not to be cheap when it comes to baby making!

So far... still no O, even with the happy face OPKs. I've either O'ed or I'm going to O later than usual. So now it is just a waiting game and I TOTALLY understand where the two-week-wait-until-O girls stand. Although I'm sure the 2ww after I O will be torture as well. Will it never end!!? Here's hoping!

"There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One is roots; the other, wings."

-Hodding Carter

Peeing on sticks

I'm done with my first round of Clomid. Other than the raging hot flashes, I now know what it feels like to be a menopausal woman and let me tell you it is not fun, I haven't had any other side effects! Lucky Rob, he escaped the wrath of moody, so he definitely dodged a bullet this time!

The hot flashes were insane, I could be anywhere minding my own business and the next minute I'd feel like it was 100 degrees and sweat would be pouring down my back! I've been a hot, sweaty mess for the past 5 days. All the sudden I'd be begging for the air conditioner on at full blast when it was only 69 degrees outside or peeling off my clothing at the most inappropriate moment, such as while on a business lunch with the president of a competing real estate firm, he probably thought I was hitting on him. Sleeping has been impossible as well. With no covers and the air conditioner down to 66 degrees I've been burning hot and awake every night. Poor Rob would try and snuggle against me to no avail, the minute he's touch me I'd hiss "Noooo! Too HOT!!!" while he shivers under a quilt and our down comforter! He's such a trooper!

This morning presented a particularly funny situation. My doctor has told me that it was fine for me to use my CBEFM starting today (cycle day 10), but since I had heard that they're not too reliable when you're on Clomid I decided to be safe and use OPKs (Ovulation Predictor Kits) as a backup. I am SO not missing my ovulation date this month! So after $90 dollars spent at Wallgreens for my refill CBEFM sticks and my OPKs we headed home. I commented that it would be hard to pee on two separate sticks the next morning and DH just laughed and said, "Please, at this point you could hit a stick from a mile away"... so true!

So since you have to use FMU (first morning urine) I woke up at 6 am this morning and had to pee so incredibly bad. I head to the bathroom and pick up a OPK stick and a CBEFM stick. Remind yourself that at this point I really, REALLY need to pee. I find that the damn things are more secure than Fort Knox. They are fully childproof, animal proof, human proof and would probably withstand a nuclear blast. It is ridiculous. Imagine me, hopping on one foot to the other, holding my crotch (I'm not going to lie, TTC is not glamorous and at this point I'm glad Rob is fast asleep because this is not a pretty sight) trying to rip the stupid things open with my fingernails... when that doesn't work I try biting the top of the wrapper, for the first 3 or so tries all I get is tiny pieces of wrapper in my mouth. I spit them on the floor frantically and continue chomping at the wrappers until I can wrestle the sticks out. Victory! I've triumphed over both wrappers, sure it was a vicious battle but now I finally can pee. However, it isn't over yet, I now must pee on one stick, and then stop peeing long enough to switch sticks, then can continue peeing on the next stick. It is not fun or easy to stop peeing mid-stream. What a circus. Do you ever feel like " If God is watching me right now, he must be cracking up"? That was truly one of those moments, a moment you hope isn't replayed when your whole life flashes before you because you just look so freaking ridiculous. But I did what I had to do. It is a bit anticlimactic all of that since I'm not even close to Oing yet, but at least I can chalk it up as a practice round, by the time I'm Oing I'll be a pro. Maybe tomorrow morning will go a little smoother, since I'm fully planning on being prepared and leaving scissors in the bathroom tonight before bed. Take that OPK/CBEFM wrappers! I'll be ready for you tomorrow!

"Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants."

-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy