When it rains...

As an Oregonian I take the saying "When it rains, it pours" quite literally. When it rains here it actually does pour, and for long periods of time. However, this week has been quite lovely, weather-wise. Freeze your ass off cold, yes, but beautiful. Unfortunately, it was my life this week and not the Portland rain that brings this cliche phrase to mind.

For legal reasons I wasn't able to disclose why I was working so much in my last blog entry. Now that it is over I can talk freely about why my week sucked so bad, well, one of the reasons it sucked so bad. It can be summed up in one word... layoffs. I'm pretty sure it is a term that when heard, it is impossible for anyone in the HR field to not feel absolute dread.

For myself I don't think I can hear this word ever again without feeling physically ill. I've had some challenging jobs in my life but nothing is as hard as looking someone in the face and telling them that they are being laid off. The shock, the anger, the confusion, the hurt. It is all there.

I dealt with the angry ones best. When they're angry at you for something that you had no hand in, it is easier to remove yourself and simply get through your presentation in a matter-of-fact-way. The ones whose faces fell and hands shook while they held the severance packages, those were the ones that hit home. The ones who asked "What did I do wrong?" or the ones who told us "I just had a new baby" or "I just bought a new home". Those just about killed me. What also killed me was not being able to say "I'm sorry". I'm a compassionate person, a softie. All I wanted to do was tell them "I am so, so sorry" and I couldn't. The reasoning being that as a Human Resources person you represent the company, the company is not sorry, the company is doing what it has to do. To the company it is unfortunate, but by saying they are sorry they are admitting that there is actually something to be sorry for. So they cannot be sorry. As for me as a person, not an HR professional, I am so, incredibly sorry.

Aside from the heart-wrenching layoffs, I am absolutely exhausted. I had to get up at insane times in the morning for the layoffs. 4:15 am to be exact and would get home after 7:00 at night. To be fair I did have some breaks during the day, but I haven't have an actual day off since the Sunday before last. It is exhausting, both physically and mentally.

So that is the rain. Here is the pours. I ovulated last Thursday, CD 9. Holy early ovulation batman! The one and only other time I have O'ed on CD 9 in the past TWO YEARS was in November when I had my horrendous hemorrhagic cyst. So that definitely freaked me out.

Fast forward to yesterday, 7 DPO. Pink spotting. Not my usual brown but pink. Ok, weird. This would be so, SO early for my usual spotting so immediately my mind goes to...implantation? Could it be? Ok, so here is the point where I overshare. I spent my entire day inspecting my underwear for signs of my usual spotting. It was nowhere to be seen. Oh, the hope! It was there, I tried to convince myself otherwise last night when the spotting started. I didn't want my hopes up. It has been so long since I've actually gotten my hopes up. But it crept in today, without the brown spotting I let my mind wander to the possibility of implantation spotting. The possibility of a BFP right before the dreaded HSG scheduled for a couple weeks from now. The BFP after two years of trying. The BFP on my break cycle. We weren't even trying! I thought about it all day. My mind wandered to thoughts I haven't had in months, to baby names, to telling people the incredible news. By the time I got home I was almost convinced. Almost.

Other IFers will confirm this. When you first start TTC, you're pretty much convinced you are pregnant every single cycle until you get your period. When you're dealing with IF you're pretty much convinced you're not pregnant every single cycle until it doesn't show. Even then I'm pretty sure I won't be convinced. At this point, I don't even know if I'll believe my doctor when she tells me "You are pregnant". I'll need a re-test, just to be sure. I don't know how I'll wrap my head around it.

Tonight I was so hopeful and was almost convinced but the little IF voice in the back of my head was nagging at me, telling me to be realistic. My body is known for playing tricks on me. This is just another one of its cruel games. It is funny how when you're infertile your body turns into your worst enemy. As of tonight the brown spotting has started, same story, different day. Heartbroken, yes. Surprised, not at all. I've lost count but I'm pretty sure the score is Bev 0, Body 23....soon to be 24. I mean after this week is this really necessary? REALLY? Way to kick a girl while she's down.

On the other hand, I am still thankful. I still have my job. I didn't have to go home to my family and tell them I lost my job on Wednesday. I don't have to start from scratch after 10 years of working at the same company. For that, I am thankful. At least that does put things in perspective a bit. I think that they'll agree that, when it rains... it certainly does pour.

"God, grant my the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

- Reinhold Niebuhr

Pins and Needles...

Sorry for the lack in blogging, my life has been insane lately. Specifically my job has just been crazy. I'll be working well over 70 hours this week. All I want to do at night is come home and go to bed. I have to keep reminding myself that this is a means to an end, this job. It isn't that I don't like it. I love the people. The girls I work we are really sweet and fun and I know that if they weren't there I would be so tempted to turn tail and run away. I'm just not cut out for the corporate world. I feel trapped, tied to my desk. Stuck in a file room with no windows. Answering to people other than myself. I miss the freedom of being self employed, I truly do. I hate the fact that we can't go on a trip on a whim, or I can't take a day off whenever I like. Then I get my paycheck, which frankly wouldn't be coming with real estate, and I see these benefits that I'm getting an how we're able to go forward in our IF treatment and I know that it is worth it, for now. It isn't forever.

On another note, I started acupuncture this week. Although I'm going to be switching acupuncturists to one that is closer and one that is a little more in line with my doctor's treatment program, I think that it is going to be a really positive addition to our fertility treatment. The pins did not hurt at all and the relaxation afterwards was so nice I almost fell asleep on the table! The acupuncturist gave me some tips about my eating habits, apparently consume entirely too much dairy and she asked me to cut it out completely! Eek! I drink 2-3 glasses of milk a day and eat cheese like it is going out of style. I'm really going to miss it. Sad. Although I'm just not going to be able to cut out the tiny bit of milk I have in my tea every morning. My mother is British and I've basically been raised on black tea with milk and sugar since I've been a baby. I'm convinced that it was in my bottle as an infant! I've cut it down to one cup a day but I just cannot cut out that tiny bit of milk.

I had a doctor's appointment, my annual, the day after my acupuncture and my doctor was thrilled that I was looking into acupuncture. She is really into taking both western and naturopathic avenues to treat infertility. Since I'm looking for someone closer she gave me a recommendation for a naturopath that she works with herself and also a nutritionist who can help me with meal planning for the new diets that my naturopath recommends. It is really overwhelming when a person says that "you can't have this, this or this" but doesn't give you any suggestions of what you can make with what you can have! So I'm really looking forward to working with this nutritionist. As my doctor told me, "this isn't about you being *just* a womb. It is about you getting completely healthy while trying to get pregnant."

My doctor also gave me my referral for my HSG. I'm terrified, but glad that it may give us some answers or at least narrow down the possibilities of what is going on! I'll probably be having it in 2-3 weeks. I'm making my appointment on Monday. EEK! My doctor did say that if she was going to get it done, she would go to this doctor. She is the best in the state. So hopefully that will make a difference. I really feel like we're on our way where we have been stagnant for the past year. The HSG, then possibily a LAP or a referral to a RE. It is very exciting to going forward with this!

Also, something funny about my annual appointment. My doctor often works with med students who come in the room with her. So when the nurse asked if I minded, I said "no". After going to the doctor as much as I have in the past year I'm no longer shy and usually they just stand in the corner anyways. This girl came in by herself first, she was so obviously new at this. She asked me some questions about myself and how long we had been trying and after I told her how long she said, "You know, I hear all the time about how people just decide to take a break and they get pregnant or they are going to adopt and they get pregnant!" Hmmm. Thanks for that insight. She was a sweet girl but obviously hadn't worked with any infertility patients or she would know not to say that sort of thing. At that point my doctor came in and discussed my HSG and my acupuncture for awhile, then it was time for my pap. My doctor continued talking to me and I realized that the student was going to do the exam. Poor thing had no idea what she was doing and was digging around in there with the speculum like a dog looking for its bone. If it wasn't so uncomfortable I would have laughed. My doctor quickly realized that she was having problems and helped her out, but poor thing was totally unpracticed at this. I think next time I'll tell the nurse that the students can come in but I'd prefer that my doctor do the actual exam parts! Ha!

I might be MIA for the next couple of weeks. We have some big things going on at work that will make me a walking zombie until it is all over. Unless something exciting happens TTC wise I probably won't be writing until I'm through with all this craziness!

"Courage is not the towering oak that sees storms come and go; it is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow."

-Alice M. Swaim

Have a Happy WHAT?...

"Have a happy period."

Who came up with this gem of an advertising campaign? Whether you are TTC or not I know very few people who have "happy periods". If must have been a man. No woman would ever suggest that AF coming to visit it anything but a pain in the... well, you know. Sure, bleeding like a stuck pig while suffering through heinous cramps and biting my:: insert any person that might cross my path during this time::'s head off is a freaking lark. Dude, if I ever meet you I will punch you in the neck. No, I'm not kidding. Why all the anger? Oh... you know, it's that HAPPY time of the month. Idiot.

Note: There was a post about this on BOTB a couple months ago that was far funnier than my own. But I totally feel it every time I see that stupid commercial so I felt the need to write it out. Especially the punching the bigwig ad man in the neck part. That would be satisfying.

When you're TTC/T-TTC it is even worse. Every month when AF starts it is like a huge, blinking sign saying something to the effect of :

"YOU FAIL"

"DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT A BABY"

"TAKE THAT SUCKA".

Boo. I hate AF. It is NEVER a "Happy Period".

"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the priviledge."

-Unknown

The Way We Were...

I know this is my second post of the day, but I just felt like I needed let it all out. It helps, it really does.

I remember when we first started TTC. It was something that was inevitable, something that was going to happen in the next couple months. We were going to be parents. It was so exciting. We would look at the baby section of stores, giggling like pre-teen girls in the juniors department of Macys. We would lightheartedly argue about names, I constantly rallying for Lucy, Rob laughing and using his "power of veto". We painted the office a light, buttery yellow. I started considering putting my very non-baby friendly car up for sale. I couldn't wait for the Pottery Barn Baby Catalog to come in the mail. It was thrilling to see the women at the Farmer's Market, with their babies in slings and strollers, or with their pregnant bellies protruding out from under cute maternity t-shirts. Back when I could look at them without the sting of jealousy. Shower invitations only brought on a feeling of excitement since we were probably next. I would take a mental note the presents they received that would be great to register when my time came. It would be so soon. We would say things like "Imagine next time this year we'll we parents!" or "This may be our last Christmas just the two of us". Whenever people would ask us when we were going to try and have kids we would vehemently deny it, but give each other a secret smile...if they only knew!

Every major holiday and birthday I would think, "Oh, wouldn't father's day be the best day to tell Rob?" I would dream of telling my mother on her birthday... on my father's birthday...on mother's day... on grandparents day... on Thanksgiving...on Christmas.

The perfect-time-to tell holidays rolled by for one year, then another. The uneasiness set in. The endless doctors appointments began, I've never been to the doctors so much in my life... and it is only just beginning. Doubt about our baby-making capabilities slowly creeped in. Medications needed to be taken at certain days, certain times. Side effects made me cranky, emotional, and not myself. I stopped thinking up creative ways that I would tell my best friend. I put the two things I had bought for the baby into the closet in the guest room. The quilt for the wall that I bought from Red Envelope went back into the box it came in. The unbelievable soft lamb-shaped baby blanket that I would often take out just to touch has been stowed safely away. I haven't opened it for months now. I stopped pouncing on the Pottery Barn Kids catalogs and eventually they found their way directly into the recycling bin. I now walk by the baby department at Target with only a quick sideways glance. I feel a sharp stab of envy looking at the women at the Farmer's Market who have what I want so desperately. Do they see me? Looking at them? I wonder if or when it happens for us if I will recognize the looks in women's eyes. Women who are going through what we have went through. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to see it from a mile away. You don't forget that sort of thing. It is almost like a sisterhood, a sorority you never wanted to join.

A shower invitation, a Christmas card with a new baby in a Santa hat or sitting in the middle of Christmas lights(there were so many this year), a bulletin on myspace announcing the pregnancy of someone years younger than me, all make me blink back tears and push away the devil on my shoulder, "Why them? Why not us?". The jealousy is almost the worst part. You can't stop it, it is there with every pregnancy announcement. You can fake your way through it on the outside, inside it rips your heart out...every single time. When people ask us about TTC now I immediately change the subject. There is no more "when we get pregnant..." it is always "if we get pregnant". It isn't being negative. It is simply self preservation, steeling ourselves for the possibility of a outcome that does not include a pregnancy.

"But now old friends are acting strange

They shake their heads, they say I've changed

Well something's lost, but something's gained

In living every day"

-"Both Sides Now" Joni Mitchell

What the...

Grrr. My cycle is really starting to annoy me. This last cycle was my last cycle on Clomid. I've been on it for four cycles and if you take it for too long it can thin the lining of your uterus too much so there is a limit of how many months it can be taken. Well, I started AF this morning. 5 days early. It is so strange this is how my cycles on Clomid have gone: Cycle #1. Spotting still came at 11 dpo and AF came at CD 30. Just like my off Cloimd cycles. Cycle #2. No spotting, AF came really at CD 25 (I also had a lovely hemorrhagic cyst this cycle, lucky!). Month off due to cyst. Cycle #3. Same as #1, spotting back, AF at CD 30. Cycle #4. Same as #2 no spotting and early AF at CD 25. What the hell?

I'm so frustrated. I kind of felt like this was my last chance before I start the really invasive procedures, first up being the HSG or hystosalpinogram. Fun to say? Yes. Fun to go through? Definitely not! Anything that involves a liquid forcefully shot up your vagina is never a good thing. I've heard horror stories about this procedure and I'm terrified.

I'm also frustrated because I feel like I should be happy there is no spotting this cycle, but I'm not. I'm just confused because AF came so early. I just don't get what is going on. I'm going to make an appointment with my doctor on Monday, which I was going to do anyways because I just realized I am so late for my annual appointment. It is so funny but I totally forgot to schedule my annual/PAP because I've been at my OB/GYN's office at least once a month since August! So I figure I'll get in to do that and explain to her what I found out about the pattern I have seen in my last four Clomid cycles. I'm sure she'll want to schedule the HSG and although I'm really not looking forward to it I'm glad that I waited to have it done until now because now I don't have to pay for it since my new health insurance has kicked in!

Although I really love my OB/GYN I'm so excited that this new job allows me to be able to get a referral to an RE. My doctor would be referred me at any time but last year we just didn't have the money with my insurance covering none of IF diagnosis or treatment and me not bringing in any money with the real estate slump. So I feel like we were just treading water but this year we're going to make some progress, even if it means a truckload of new tests for both of us. I'll tell you now Rob is going to be less than thrilled to do another SA, but he won't complain since it isn't like anything is getting shot up his genitals. I'm not going to lie, if he complains I will remind him of that. Maybe we'll get good news, maybe we'll get bad news. I'm ready for both, I just want to know something...anything!

UPDATE:

:: sigh :: What I thought was AF today was actually just the start of the stupid spotting again... right on time at 11 dpo. So there it is. It doesn't really matter, AF or no AF the spotting says the same thing. No baby.

On the up side I've decided to pursue acupuncture this month since I've read that it helps stop the spotting for some and YAY my fabulous new insurance covers it 100%.

"To hope means to be ready at every moment for that which is not yet born, and yet not become desperate if there is no birth in our lifetime."

- Emily Dickenson

Eat.Pray.Love...

I'm going to keep my New Years resolutions simple this year. Stealing them from the name of book I haven't even had the chance to read yet...

Eat.

I'm going to eat better and ideally lose 10 pounds. However, since Rob and I are raging foodies this does not mean diet. I love good food and good wine but my resolution means eating things I *really* want to eat, not just eating crap for the sake of eating. No more grabbing Burger King if I'm out and about and don't want to wait to get home, no more drinking crappy wine because someone offers it to me. We'll go out to nice restaurants and I will eat whatever I want, and have a glass of nice wine, but I'll eat to really enjoy it, for the experience of it. I'm also going to start going to the gym during lunch at work. It is right around the corner, I can do it!

Pray.

I need to find a church that will work for both of us. Rob is more conservative and was raised in pretty out there churches, I on the other hand am very liberal and was raised Presbyterian. It will be a challenge, but there has got to be a happy medium, right?

Love.

2006 and 2007 have been so consumed with this "quest" to get pregnant that I think we've lost a little bit of the "spark" that used to be there whenever we were together. In all honestly, it is obvious that this isn't going to come easily for us but I think I have to look at this as an opportunity for us to spend even more quality time together before becoming parents. So 2008 is going to be about us. We're going to plan trips and take weekend mini-breaks and I'm going to start jumping Rob for the fun of it rather than for the baby-making aspect of it. Lucky him!

This "Love" resolution also applies to my friends. I've been having such a hard time dealing with our infertility that I've neglected some of my friends because honestly they just don't get it. This year I'm going to make a concerted effort to be the friend I used to be, pre-infertility.

Basically my New Years resolutions are about making our life not revolve around our infertility. Yeah, it sucks but it will not suck the life out of me. I will eat, I will pray and I will love and maybe, somewhere in the middle, we'll have a baby. Our life will be full and happy with the addition of a baby, but not *because* of a baby. So for 2008...eat.pray.love and a baby? Maybe...

I hope everyone had a safe and fun New Years Eve and here's to a fabulous 2008!

"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams."

- Ashley Smith