When it rains...

As an Oregonian I take the saying "When it rains, it pours" quite literally. When it rains here it actually does pour, and for long periods of time. However, this week has been quite lovely, weather-wise. Freeze your ass off cold, yes, but beautiful. Unfortunately, it was my life this week and not the Portland rain that brings this cliche phrase to mind.

For legal reasons I wasn't able to disclose why I was working so much in my last blog entry. Now that it is over I can talk freely about why my week sucked so bad, well, one of the reasons it sucked so bad. It can be summed up in one word... layoffs. I'm pretty sure it is a term that when heard, it is impossible for anyone in the HR field to not feel absolute dread.

For myself I don't think I can hear this word ever again without feeling physically ill. I've had some challenging jobs in my life but nothing is as hard as looking someone in the face and telling them that they are being laid off. The shock, the anger, the confusion, the hurt. It is all there.

I dealt with the angry ones best. When they're angry at you for something that you had no hand in, it is easier to remove yourself and simply get through your presentation in a matter-of-fact-way. The ones whose faces fell and hands shook while they held the severance packages, those were the ones that hit home. The ones who asked "What did I do wrong?" or the ones who told us "I just had a new baby" or "I just bought a new home". Those just about killed me. What also killed me was not being able to say "I'm sorry". I'm a compassionate person, a softie. All I wanted to do was tell them "I am so, so sorry" and I couldn't. The reasoning being that as a Human Resources person you represent the company, the company is not sorry, the company is doing what it has to do. To the company it is unfortunate, but by saying they are sorry they are admitting that there is actually something to be sorry for. So they cannot be sorry. As for me as a person, not an HR professional, I am so, incredibly sorry.

Aside from the heart-wrenching layoffs, I am absolutely exhausted. I had to get up at insane times in the morning for the layoffs. 4:15 am to be exact and would get home after 7:00 at night. To be fair I did have some breaks during the day, but I haven't have an actual day off since the Sunday before last. It is exhausting, both physically and mentally.

So that is the rain. Here is the pours. I ovulated last Thursday, CD 9. Holy early ovulation batman! The one and only other time I have O'ed on CD 9 in the past TWO YEARS was in November when I had my horrendous hemorrhagic cyst. So that definitely freaked me out.

Fast forward to yesterday, 7 DPO. Pink spotting. Not my usual brown but pink. Ok, weird. This would be so, SO early for my usual spotting so immediately my mind goes to...implantation? Could it be? Ok, so here is the point where I overshare. I spent my entire day inspecting my underwear for signs of my usual spotting. It was nowhere to be seen. Oh, the hope! It was there, I tried to convince myself otherwise last night when the spotting started. I didn't want my hopes up. It has been so long since I've actually gotten my hopes up. But it crept in today, without the brown spotting I let my mind wander to the possibility of implantation spotting. The possibility of a BFP right before the dreaded HSG scheduled for a couple weeks from now. The BFP after two years of trying. The BFP on my break cycle. We weren't even trying! I thought about it all day. My mind wandered to thoughts I haven't had in months, to baby names, to telling people the incredible news. By the time I got home I was almost convinced. Almost.

Other IFers will confirm this. When you first start TTC, you're pretty much convinced you are pregnant every single cycle until you get your period. When you're dealing with IF you're pretty much convinced you're not pregnant every single cycle until it doesn't show. Even then I'm pretty sure I won't be convinced. At this point, I don't even know if I'll believe my doctor when she tells me "You are pregnant". I'll need a re-test, just to be sure. I don't know how I'll wrap my head around it.

Tonight I was so hopeful and was almost convinced but the little IF voice in the back of my head was nagging at me, telling me to be realistic. My body is known for playing tricks on me. This is just another one of its cruel games. It is funny how when you're infertile your body turns into your worst enemy. As of tonight the brown spotting has started, same story, different day. Heartbroken, yes. Surprised, not at all. I've lost count but I'm pretty sure the score is Bev 0, Body 23....soon to be 24. I mean after this week is this really necessary? REALLY? Way to kick a girl while she's down.

On the other hand, I am still thankful. I still have my job. I didn't have to go home to my family and tell them I lost my job on Wednesday. I don't have to start from scratch after 10 years of working at the same company. For that, I am thankful. At least that does put things in perspective a bit. I think that they'll agree that, when it rains... it certainly does pour.

"God, grant my the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

- Reinhold Niebuhr