Seriously...

...SERIOUSLY?

I swear every time I start convincing myself to be positive and all that jazz something comes around and reminds me that our situation kind of sucks. I try and keep everything in perspective... we have our health, we are happy, we have a wonderful home, great pets and stable jobs which is more than you can say for a lot of people in this world we live in. We are lucky, we are blessed. I know these things, and I am so very grateful for them. So anyways, I guess I'm just writing this first as a disclaimer. I.KNOW.THESE.THINGS. I really do. However...

Rob and I were in the car going to the mall yesterday, (yes we are crazy), and I called my mother in law to thank her for her very thoughtful birthday present which had recently arrived in the mail. We chatted for a bit and I asked her if our two nieces (who are 3 and 7) and my sister in law "S." were going to be spending the holiday at her house. Here is a little background, S. is 28 and has two children with her on-again off-again boyfriend. There is so much more to that story but since I like my sister in law I choose not to air the particulars of her complicated relationship on the Internet. This is our conversation:

MIL: I'm not sure if the girls will be here. S. really doesn't want to leave her boyfriend.

Me: Ah, that's too bad I know how much you look forward to having them around on Christmas.

(Note: I wish the conversation had ended here. Imagine the sound of a bomb dropping at this point)

MIL: "You know she's pregnant again right?"

Me: ::Shocked silence ::

MIL: Right? Are you sitting down? Crazy isn't it?

At this point I seriously feel like someone punched me in the stomach. I manage to actually reply after a couple moments.

Me: Wow...um, wow. That's... wow. Um... I...um...

MIL: Of course it wasn't planned... again. She's hoping for a boy, she says she will cry if it is another girl. I swear that girl just doesn't understand that if you are off birth control and have sex you're going to get pregnant.

Me: "Really? You don't say. :: insert awkward nervous laugh:: Oh... yeah... um... wow. Well please tell her congratulations from us? That is really exciting. Fantastic. Um... we're at the mall we really should go since parking is crazy. Gottagoloveyoubye."

Breathe. Just breathe.

First of all, my mother in law has no idea about our IF. I'm sure she just thought I was really surprised since S. vehemently swore off having any more children after a particularly bad C-Section experience with her last baby. I was surprised... and shocked... and, yes, jealous.

It isn't that I'm angry that she's pregnant...again. I'm happy if she is happy. It is just the shock and amazement that someone doesn't exactly have all her shit in order, and I say that in the nicest possible way, can have three unplanned pregnancies and we, married with a home and stable careers, just cannot seem to get ourselves knocked up. It is just how this crazy life works, right? There is a purpose behind all of this. At least that is what I keep telling myself, hey... a girl's gotta sleep at night right?

Rob just didn't know what to say, he just shook his head and signed as if nothing surprised him when it came to his sister. I told him about her wanting a boy and he frowned. I asked him what the matter was and he replied that it was silly but he wanted to have the first boy. I could have cried right there. Not about having the first boy but for a moment I could see that Rob felt just a little of what I feel. Everyone says that men don't go through the same process as women do, dealing with infertility, but for a moment I could see it in his eyes. I wish he knew that the fleeting feeling of sadness and disappointment he had just felt is what I feel every day.

Anyways. I AM happy for her, I truely am. I hope she has a great pregnancy are a very smooth delivery with none of the complications that came up last time. Hopefully it a breeze for her this time and I am very excited to be an auntie again...and I am still jealous.I'm not going to lie in my blog, so I'm telling it like it is. I am jealous.

On another note I have to take a moment to tell everyone to go see the movie "Juno". It is absolutely fantastic. It is hilarious and heart-wrenching at the same time.

There is one particular part of the movie when the young girl, Juno, goes to meet the prospective adoptive parents of her unborn baby. This is a part that I'm sure hit home for anyone dealing with infertility. The girl comments about her pregnancy and says to the woman (Jennifer Garner) "Be glad you don't have to go through this." Not in a mean way, just an offhand comment from a very young girl who doesn't know the first thing about IF. But you can see it, the moment that an unwittingly doled out verbal barbs hits you, it registers on Jennifer Garner's face. It is so very familiar, not because I've seen that face but I've felt it. I am that person. Every time someone says "Oh, my god you are so lucky you don't have kids yet!" or "When are you going to start trying? Don't wait too long, the clock is ticking!" the latter of which is usually accompanied by a wink or an elbow nudge and is given by the person you'd least like to share your conception plans with, like a male co-worker or a distant relative in law, I am sure I get that same look on my face. Very few people notice it because those of us who are dealing with IF are usually very skilled at covering it up. You may notice a second of shock or a wince of pain, but it is so quickly replaced with some sort of diversion like "Wow, how about those Packers this year?" that the person who has said this faux pas doesn't even notice.

Anyways, now that I've completely gone off on a tangent, below is a few clips of the movie. Please see it. It is wonderful... and bring tissues. Lots of them.







Again, Merry Christmas to all!!

"Storms make trees take deeper roots."

-Dolly Parton

Happy Holidays...

I'm still here! Sorry for the lack of blogging lately but this new job has seriously kept me busy. This is a bad thing because I hardly have time to breathe let alone blog, but on the other hand it really does keep my mind from dwelling on our T-TTC. It is refreshing to have so many other things to think about.

The job is going well and even though I had a day of panic where it really hit me that I actually had to be in this office from 7:30 to 4:30 everyday and that I was answering someone other than myself. I was no longer choosing my schedule and vacationing whenever we wanted to... although the lack of business = lack of money= no vacation anyways! I truly thought to myself, "What am I doing here?". That very day I got a bill in the mail from my ultrasound... $400. On my statement it also noted how much I had spent at my doctor's office in the past year. $2000, out of pocket. That is not counting the money I used to pay every month to my insurance company. It was right then I thought, count your blessing because this job and its awesome benefits is going to enable us to get this party started, infertility-wise. Whooo hooo!

Christmas season is my favorite time of year. Even with AF showing up and having the second "no baby" Christmas it has still been such a wonderful Christmas season. I'm not going to lie, we had so many photo cards from my friends and family who have had a baby this year. A picture of a fat baby in a Santa hat or my friend Emily's new adopted son Luca sitting in the middle of their Christmas lights breaks my heart a little bit every time we get one of those cards in the mail, but I suppose that is normal. It hasn't put that much of a damper on Christmas because I really haven't allowed myself to get down during the season. Now after Christmas is a whole different story! I hate it when Christmas ends and I despise January. I hope that work is really busy so I don't get the January Blues in all this dreary Oregon weather.

I'm hoping next time this year there might be another stocking hanging on the fireplace and toys under the tree. Last year I was sure it would have happened by now, this year I'm not so sure but I know eventually it will happen and we will be parents.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone who reads my blog. I hope you all have a wonderful season full of friends, family and holiday cheer!

"Have yourself a merry little Christmas,

Let your heart be light

From now on,our troubles will be out of sight."

-Hugh Martin

Sneaking back in...

...self pity. Damn it is a sneaky bastard.

I was doing great today. Started the new job and am really looking forward to this new chapter in my professional life, I really feel like I'm taking a step forward. I was feeling really good, even though the spotting has been hanging around for the past 5 days now. I've already accepted that AF was well on her way and that there was going to be no Christmas BFP for me this year. That is, until I logged on to my computer tonight.

On my AIM instant messenger buddies was a name that I hadn't seen in forever. A person that was once a friend but who became someone who made a really difficult time in my life, (when my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and passed away within a matter of months), a thousand times worse happened to be logged on. I don't hate her, we were both basically just kids when everything happened. But whenever I see her name it really brings me back to that time when my dad was so sick and my friends were nowhere to be found. To her credit though, I'm sure she had no idea how to deal with me when I was greiving for my dad. I was a mess. I'm sure she's grown up since then, as have I. It is a long story from a long time ago...but I digress. Her away message reads, "Havin' A Baby!".

Reading that honestly made me feel like someone had punched me in the stomach and I have no idea why. Jealousy? Perhaps. Shock? Definitely. This is someone who honestly swore up and down that she would never have children and here she is, pregnant...and here I am, not pregnant. Oh, the irony.

So here I am feeling sorry for myself again. I'm a crazy rollercoaster ride of emotions right now. Why her and not me? I know it isn't a matter of who gets to go first but damn it stung to see that away message. Especially with AF most likely showing up tomorrow, I think I'm just being overly emotional but this hit me kind of hard tonight. Even though we're not friends anymore, we made our peace a long time ago and I do wish her the best... although more than anything I wish it was my turn.

"A traffic jam when you're already late

A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break

It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife

It's meeting the man of my dreams

And then meeting his beautiful wife

And isn't it ironic...don't you think?

A little too ironic... I really do think..."

-Alanis Morissette "Ironic"

Really Random Thankfulness...

So after my mini breakdown last week on here something I saw on T.V. today slapped me in the face and told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. It is so funny that these kind of things can come from the most random places, right? For me it came from an episode of "Run's House" on MTV. Don't laugh! This isn't a show I watch much, but I am a junkie for any kind of reality television so I happened to watch the episode.

So, last season they aired the show where Run's wife, Justine, lost her baby... a little girl that was born stillborn. On this particular show Justine was watching her sister's little girl who probably was around the same age as her own daughter would have been if she had lived. This woman didn't show a ounce of feeling sorry for herself, she could have wallowed in it, any maybe she did when the cameras were off but I like to think she didn't. I hope to handle my own situation with that much grace. So even though I do have my moments where I whine and bitch and feel sorry, hey I'm human and I'm not going to pretend I'm perfect on this blog, I am still thankful that I haven't experienced loss like so many girls I chat with or loss so far along like this woman did. I'm pulling myself up by my bootstraps and even though my spotting showed up on 10 dpo yesterday I'm still not going to feel sorry about it.

Anyways, really random thankfulness but for some reason this show really opened my eyes up a little, or maybe brought me down from my high horse named Self-Pity. I'm letting old Self-Pity out to pasture for awhile. I'm not going to guarantee I won't be sad when AF shows next week, but I'm not going to wallow because after thinking about her situation I just don't feel like I have that right.

"Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough."

-Oprah Winfrey

9 days down 6 to go...

... to change the atmosphere in my blog a bit! First of all,

Thanks to all for all the comments on my two last posts. Even the negative ones made for interesting reading. At least it gave people the chance to really tell me how they feel about me without having the reveal themselves. I can see how this might be somewhere were they feel like they won't get any backlash. I hope it has released some pent up anger for people, I know I felt that way after getting my feelings out. I still stand by my posts and feel like I have every right to to let what feelings I am having at the moment out in my blog, everyone has their moments where they just need to get out the frustrations and this was mine. Doesn't make me less of a person, as goes the same for the people who needed to let their own feelings out in the comments section.

With that being said, it is time to move on.

I'm so excited because last cycle I started spotting on 6 dpo, this cycle I'm at 9 dpo and so far no sign of it. Although I'd be thrilled to be pregnant this cycle, I'd also be so thankful if I just got through a cycle with no spotting because that would mean the Clomid is working.

My fingers, toes and eyes are all crossed for the next week to go by spot free!

"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them."

-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

An Addendum to my 2 cents...

Disclaimer: This is not an apology because honestly, this is my blog and it is a place where I go to vent, relieve stress, be funny, be bitchy and above all be myself. I'm not here to be politically correct or say what everyone else thinks I should say. But on the other hand I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings or make snarky statements just for the fun of it.

Here we go.

#1. This was not in regards to the T-TTCers at all. Not for women with PCOS or long cycles or anything like that. I was not talking about it in IF journey terms whatsoever. This was more towards the complete hysteria of some when they aren't knocked up right away when they first initially start trying to get pregnant. I'm not telling anyone how to feel, not at all, just suggesting step back and a look at the big picture. If you want to break down into hysterics, be my guest, although I have to say it probably isn't the healthiest TTC move.

#2. Am I judgemental. I can safely say, yes...yes I am. Isn't everyone? It is pretty much human nature. Can anyone safely say that they have absolutely no judgement about anything or anyone? If so, congratulations you are truly a better person than I am! Either that or you're lying. Example, do you look at the train wreck that is Britney Spears and not judge? If you can say "yes" in all truthfulness then honestly, you really are a better person than me. Me, I look at her and think, "Dude, she is a terrible mother and needs a come to Jesus talk from someone ASAP before she hurts herself or, heaven forbid, one of those children!"

#3. I made a comment on a message board once, around Cycle #7, feeling terribly sorry for myself. Someone replied to me, "Girl, I'm on Cycle #30.... you really don't have it that bad. Calm down." At the time I was terribly offended and thought that she was trying to make me feel bad, but deep down I think I was more embarrassed because I saw how petty it sounded in comparison. 7 cycles, hard, yes. The end of the world as I knew it, no.

#4. Yes, I'm only on my 3rd cycle of Clomid, true. We've been trying for #21 Cycles. I've been off of BC for almost 4 years, and we were not preventing. If we could have been more proactive I like to think we'd be on to IUIs on IVF by now but unfortunately as a self-employed person who has no IF coverage for diagnosis or treatment whatsoever, I did not have that luxury. Now that I have a new job that has fantastic medical, I'm hoping we can make things move a little quicker.

#5. I'm not trying to make anyone's pain less. I'm simply expressing a point of view. I'm all for people venting and being upset at AF/BFN but at an early stage in the game I, personally, think that it may be a little ridiculous for you to be:

A. Lying to your doctor about how long you've been trying in order to get tests done sooner because you just cannot possibly wait until the 6 month/year mark even though you hand perfectly regular cycles and are ovulating.
B. Threatening to overdose on OTC drugs because you're still not pregnant after 5 cycles and you are a failure as a wife.

Those are actually things I have seen in the past couple weeks. Yes, really.

Anyways, although I'm not apologizing for what I wrote, I just wanted to offer some further explanations because it became quite heated in the comments section.

Ps. I do moderate my comments section but ALWAYS post actual responses, if this is hotbod1029 or nudeygirlongirl.com I don't post yours because frankly, I'm not interested in setting up a chat with you via live webcam nor am I interested in enlarging my partner's manhood.

My 2 Cents...

I've been feeling a certain way lately due to several message board discussions on who has a right to feel a certain way about not getting pregnant. I realize these boards are outlets for women whose husbands, friends, family, boss, trash man, postal delivery person might not want to hear how incredibly bummed they are when they get their periods and realize they aren't pregnant that particular month. I realize that people on Cycle #1,2,5,7... all have a right to be bummed when it hasn't happened for them yet. However, there is no comparison on how a person feels on these earlier cycles to when it gets into the double digits and higher.

There. I said it. You people who are so bummed on Cycle #4... I get it. I was there. I am all for a post that says:

"Damn it, AF showed. I'm bummed. This sucks." I feel ya sister, good luck next time!

The ones that get under me skin go more like this:

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? THIS IS SO UNFAIR. WHY ARE ALL MY FRIENDS KNOCKED UP ON CYCLE #1 AND I HAVE TO WAIT. I WANT A BABY NOW!!!!"

Now you may think that I'm over dramatizing this, but I'm not. I see those on a regular basis and I try to be nice and respond that 4 months is still well within normal range, you just have to be a little patient, etc. etc. when my brain is screaming:

"Seriously? You're on freaking cycle #4. 4 months. FOUR MEASLY MONTHS. Try adding another 17 months on to that and then we'll talk. 4 months is not waiting. This is ri-goddamn-diculous."

So I'm a bitch. So sue me. I don't really care. I know I'll get comments that I'm making this out to be a pissing contest about who can be the most bummed. I'm not bummed, I passed bummed oh, about 13 months ago. I'm on to completely terrified that I will never carry my own child, that we won't be able to afford to adopt until we're into our mid-thirties. Four months? Try the prospect of 5+ years.

I hate to say it but the person who has only tried a couple months just cannot understand the pain that is infertility. They just can't. I can't even describe it. I would never compare my own pain to someone who has been trying for 30 cycles... 40 cycles...longer. I cannot imagine it and I know for a fact that I'm not even on the same level as they are , pain-wise.

I'm sorry. I just had to get this off of my chest. It isn't a pissing contest, it is reality. It hurts more the longer you've been at it, end of story. Not that you can't complain, not that you can't be bummed...by all means, share. I truly do understand how you're feeling. But take a step back before you go off the deep end with grief because girl, you don't even know the meaning.

There. My .02 cents.

"Opinions are like assholes...everybody's got one."

-Unknown