A little pill can be such a big deal.

Who knew that one tiny little pill could be such a big deal to a person. I felt like I should have some sort of ceremony when I took my first dose of Clomid this morning. I was actually excited to wake up this morning and take it. I felt almost as if I should instantly feel different once I took it, like I should feel my egg quality getting better! I can't say I'm looking forward to the side-effects, for Rob's sake, but I'm just happy in general. Also, I'm crazy, I know this, but the fact that Clomid has a 5% chance of twins ( not to mention they run in my family) is so exciting to me. I want twins!

Wish Rob luck with his new, even more moodier wife!

"Don't believe in miracles - depend on them."

Laurence J. Peter

Here we go!

Yesterday I had a call from my doctor's office that I needed to come in for a follow-up appointment. When I called back the nurse set my appointment for 8:20 the next morning. Now I know why it takes a month and a half to get a annual scheduled... there are more important people who get dibs on the next day appointments, and I'm happy to say that today I was one of them! Ha!

Last night I had convinced myself that Rob's sperm count would be non-existent. I don't know why. I suppose since they didn't tell me over the phone anything about his test results that I assumed the worst, that is so me!

So I'm driving like a maniac to get to the Doctor's office, I'm late, as always. When I finally get there I'm huffing and puffing like I just ran a 10k. I've really got to work on this always being late, it's my worst habit. No one even seemed to bat an eye that I was 15 minutes late though, thank goodness!

So here it goes. Worst thing about my appointment... I've gained 3 pounds since my last appointment last month. UGH! No wonder my pants felt tight! That is it... that is the worst thing! Nothing some visits to the gym won't cure... and maybe laying off the french fries a bit, right?

Best thing(s) about my appointment... after all that hassle and stress that went along with Rob's SA, everything is perfectly normal! I'm so glad! I was so worried and now that just lifts a mountain of stress off of my back. Secondly, my doctor gave me the option of either having my HSG and doing Clomid together or trying Clomid on its own for three months first. I went with the latter and the doctor agreed that she thought that was the least invasive route. I'm all about less invasiveness thankyouverymuch! Amazingly enough I needed to start Clomid cycle day 5... guess what tomorrow is? Cycle day FIVE! I'm so thankful that they squeezed me in today because that means we can get this show on the road asap. I feel so incredibly good and feel like this is a leap forward for us after months of baby steps!

I called Rob right after my appointment and told him the good news. First and foremost I think he was very glad that his manhood, AKA his sperm, is still intact. Then I told him about the Clomid, which he thought was great until I mentioned the possible side-effects. You know, mood-swings, hot flashes, nausea....

Rob: "Wait a second. You said moodiness?"

Me: "Yep."

Rob: "You mean you're going to get moodier than you already are?"

Me: "What is that supposed to mean? I'm not that bad!!"

Rob: "Babe, I love you, but you are the moodiest person I know."

Me (about to get very offended and then I realize...): "Hmmm. I guess I am a little moody, sometimes...once in awhile...alright, all the time! Sucks to be you! Ha!"

It was a pretty funny conversations because honestly, I am moooooody. It's just the way I'm made, I'm so thankful he deals with it with such grace!

Another thing that makes me just so thankful, the amazing, overwhelming, incredible amount of support I have. Now I get my support in a couple different places. One is Rob... he puts up with so much and he is fantastic. A lesser man would have gone crazy by now. Second are my two friends, Lindsay and Carrie, that actually know about our infertility. Both of them were practically screaming into the phone they were so excited that Rob's results were good and that I'm going onto the next step. Lastly is my Nesties from Babies on the Brain. I came back from work and wanted to post an update on my trip to the doctor and find 5 different posts asking if anyone had heard from me, after I post my update I get a ton of responses. These girls are so supportive, I feel like I've got good thoughts an prayers coming in from every direction. It is incredible!

Today was a good day.

"What lies behind us, and what lies before us, are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Just relax.

There are lots of things that you should not say to someone dealing with infertility. Lots of them. But everyone turns into an expert when they hear you are having problems. Everyone has known someone that has had problems getting pregnant, and want to tell you what their solution was.

"My sister's-cousin's-roomate's-mother-in-law's-chiropractor has problems getting pregnant and she and her husband decided to adopt and *poof* they got pregnant!"

"Maybe God just didn't mean for you to be parents. I had friends who could not get pregnant and once they accepted that God didn't mean for them to be parents they were at peace."

"Maybe if you just stop thinking about it, it will happen"

"When used to breed dogs, I had one that couldn't get pregnant so I would hold her upside down after we bred her and she finally got pregnant...maybe if you stood on your head"

"You're having problems? Oh, well I have two kids and they are so much work, you should just enjoy your life without them!"

"Just relax and it will happen."

So I know that these people are all trying to be helpful but bottom line, IT IS NOT HELPFUL. It is always somewhat shocking because how can these people presume to know the problem when your own doctors cannot find anything wrong yet?

It is especially shocking when it comes from your very own partner in crime, your husband. That is what happened last night and since I know I'm going to get my period in just about 3 days I'm not in the greatest of moods. Cycle 18 is quickly approaching and it hurts. It's true I took it way personal, but this has been a tough couple of weeks.

Here's the story. We decide to go out to dinner and at dinner DH says to me, " So I told my uncle about what happened Monday (the SA Fiasco) and he said that him and my aunt tried for awhile and after she quit her job and stopped stressing that they got pregnant. You're stressed all the time, maybe that it is."

It's innocent, yes. And now that I look back I realize that he was just trying to help, but it hurt. Like it was something I was doing that was making us not get pregnant. I know that wasn't how he meant it, but that is what it said to me in big, bold flashing lights. I am a stressed personality but after 18 months of trying and three years off of birth control I'm pretty sure that it isn't just my stress level that is keeping us from getting pregnant. I got upset and then he got upset at me for being upset. I even teared up and when the waiter came by I made some silly excuse that my chicken curry was so spicy that it made me tear up.

I was quiet the rest of the night, but Rob just went along with playing his game and watching Karate Kid. As soon as we turned the lights off I couldn't be quiet any longer. I burst into tears for what felt like the millionth time in the last couple weeks. I accused him of not caring, which was wrong but I just wanted some sort of response. His response was that he cared about us getting pregnant but maybe it will just happen when it happens. Oh, no. Anything but that. His mother loves to say that "It'll happen when it happens." It will NOT happen when it happens! Are you kidding me? Honestly, talk about saying all the wrong things to an already emotional wreck of a person.

I lost it. Next month after his SA comes back I'm getting a HSG and a laprascopy to see what is wrong. I'm getting a hose filled with dye ATTACHED TO MY CROTCH and then it will fill me up like a freaking water balloon! Then if that doesn't find anything they are going to put me under, PUT ME UNDER, and will make an incision in my belly button and two on my bikini line and will try to get rid of any blockage in my fallopian tubes with a FRICKIN LASER.

I am not doing these things for fun. I am absolutely TERRIFIED of hospitals and of anesthesia and am absolutely terrified of these procedures, even as simple and everyday they are, I cannot explain the fear I feel when I think of them. But I'm going to do it because I don't think that it will just happen, I think that it is obvious that there is a problem and I'm willing to suck it up and do these things so we can get pregnant.

I was so upset last night. I haven't cried that hard in a long time and I think it was everything. Not just what Rob said. He didn't mean any of it in a mean way, but after the testing, the SA Fiasco, my brown spotting coming back this week which means we're not pg this cycle it I just lost it. I know that he thinks that if we just keep trying it will happen, but he doesn't have to live with the hoping every day that your cervical mucus is stretchy or that these cramps are ovulation cramps, and after that the two weeks of hoping that every odd twinge is a symptom. He doesn't have to feel like he's failed somehow after ever month goes by. He doesn't have to put up with the people asking "When are yoooouu going to have a baby?" or going to baby showers and trying to quash the jealousy you feel for another woman's pregnancy. As a man, I don't think that he'll ever realize how hard it has been. I know he feels awful, he hates it when I cry and when I'm upset, but he just cannot understand this.

His SA is this afternoon and after that we have a fun, busy weekend ahead of us so all infertility, baby talk, etc. is done for now and we'll just have fun together. I can't cry anymore and I don't want to. We'll just have fun being us this weekend and I'm going to try not to think about everything until the SA results are back next week. Until then... I'm just going to relax. Baby steps, right?

"Patience with others is Love, Patience with self is Hope, Patience with God is Faith."

-Adel Bestavros

What is wrong with people?

Well, I didn't post an update from Monday because it was so upsetting that I didn't feel like talking about it but now I'm over it and feel like I should get this out there.

Rob's SA was scheduled for Monday at 10:30. That is when we were supposed to turn it in so Rob did what he had to do and then went straight to work, (it is difficult for him to ask for time off because he works for his uncle and we're not exactly advertising our IF testing). So off I go on the 45 minute drive to downtown.

I get to the Dr.'s office (which is not my own, they don't do the testing so I had to go to a different one) and it is a really small waiting room full of pregnant people...great. I go up to the counter, put the cup on the counter and tell the receptionist that I need to turn this in.

Her: "M'AM WE CAN'T TAKE THAT WITHOUT HIM HERE. " In an obscenely loud voice so the entire waiting room looks at me.

I stood there stunned since no one had told me this, she goes on in her booming voice,

Her: "I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS, ANYWAYS YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE AN APPOINTMENT."

I tell her I do, 10:30.

Her: ::huge sigh:: "WELL, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO SEE WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS." And makes a big production of looking at my paperwork from my doctor and making a phone call.

By this time I'm completely and utterly mortified. There is a cup of freaking semen on the counter, what am I supposed to do, put it back in my pocket. I'm cursing myself for not putting the stupid thing in a paper bag, but it was supposed to be close to the body. Damn it. I hear snickering and I look to my left, there is a pink-haired, lip pierced pregnant teenager and her punk boyfriend laughing at me, laughing at the cup of sperm on the counter. I could die right there. Why the hell does this little cow get to be pregnant and not me? What the hell, I want to smack her on her stupid pierced face.

After several minutes of my standing awkwardly at the counter, a nurse calls me back. I stand in the hall as she apologizes for the misunderstanding, someone should have told me that FDA regulations require that the guy be there with I.D. She is so sweet that I break down and cry right there in the hallway. I'm not talking silent tears, I'm talking the hiccuping, bawling, gulping kind of crying. This is just too much. All I want to do is get the heck out of there. I nod when she asks me if I want to call in and reschedule and fly out of the door back into the waiting room where EVERYONE stares at me as I'm a blubbering mess.

I somehow get out to the street to call DH where I continue to bawl as I'm walking to me car. I've never been so incredibly mortified in my life. As if this IF thing isn't hard enough.

So, lesson learned for anyone out there who's husband is going to get a SA... make him take it in himself. Now Rob has to reschedule and it means even longer until we find out what is going on.

I'm over it now though. We'll be ok, it'll be rescheduled and I'm sure karma will come back and bite that cow receptionist and pregnant teenager in the butt. I hope the teenager gets stretch marks. Aren't I mean?

Anyways, other than that small hiccup we're back on track. Rob has made an appointment for this Friday, so here's hoping we'll have some answers within the next week! Fingers crossed (again) for a positive outcome!

"I've finally realized what life is all about...it's about hanging on when your heart has had enough. It's about giving more when you feel like giving up"

- Author Unknown

Test results, Phase I

I called for my test results on Friday, and the results were totally normal thyroid and prolactin, and I know I should be happy that they're completely normal but... I can't help but wish I had a reason for all this.

The words I'm dreading are "unexplained infertility". With unexplained there is no rhyme or reason, no game plan, it's of a shot in the dark. It would be one thing if we had insurance that covered IF treatment, then I would be totally fine with trying anything and everything, but we have to be selective because there is only so much we can afford with treatments ranging from $1,000 to $10,000.

Rob's test is Monday. We've elected for him to...er... do his business in the comfort of our own home rather than at the testing facility. Since it needs to be in my 10:30 and he has to get it done within an hour of that time I get to be the one to drive downtown and drop it off. Apparently I need to keep it close to my body so it stays at body temperature. For some reason this strikes me as pretty darn funny... where the heck am I supposed to stash this? Maybe I'll wear sweatpants and stash it in the waistband? A sweatshirt and put it in the pocket? Under a hat perhaps?

Here's hoping for some answers soon and good test results for Rob! I'd write more but I'm just not feeling witty or creative today!

"May you alway walk in sunshine.May you never want for more.May Irish angels rest their wings right beside your door." - Irish Blessing

Appointment Update!

I had my appointment yesterday with the OB/GYN who specializes in IF. She was recommended to me by a fellow nestie and she was fabulous!! I really feel that she will be proactive in getting whatever is hindering us from getting pregnant figured out. I had my thyroid and prolactin levels check, (eek! blood test!!!) and she ordered a sperm analysis for Rob. If all of those check out we're on to an X-ray of my tubes and ovaries to make sure everything is looking a-ok, and after that there is the laprascopy to make sure I don't have endometriosis. Somewhere in there she might be prescribing me Clomid to make me ovulate stronger. So we've officially got a game plan!

One thing she said was "Just know that you WILL get pregnant." It made a world of difference. She also said, "Make sure that you don't just have sex when you O. It is important that you still have a healthy sex life." So I'm pretty sure Rob will like her too!

Lindsay, the most supportive best friend on the planet, came with my to my appointment and sat in the waiting room for the entire two hours I was there. I have a deathly fear of hospitals so it was so great to have her there! Amazing right? I'm pretty sure everyone in there thought we were a lesbian couple because when I came out she pretty much jumped out of her seat and said"How did it go?!!" Ha! We would be a darn attractive couple of lesbians if I do say so myself.

So here we go. I really feel like we're moving forward instead of standing still. Rob's SA is next Monday, apparently he needs to...er... do his business and get the sample to the lab in downtown Portland within the hour. Talk about pressure!

I feel really good about this. Thanks for all your support!

"You were the one who made things different, you were the one who took me in. You were the one thing I could count on, above all, you were my friend."

- Tom Petty

Another woman...

Something happened this weekend while we were camping and it absolutely killed me. Another woman who had her eye on Rob. She followed him around everywhere, laughed at his jokes, whenever he was sitting around the campfire she was practically in his lap....sometimes she WAS actually in his lap. It made me tear up just watching them. It all started when she came into our campsite with her friend and asked Rob to find her purple flashlight. Her name was Delaney... and she was 3 years old.

I really had you going for a moment, didn't I?

But it is all true. This little girl was besotted with Rob and it pretty much brought me to tears. She looked like she could be his daughter, sitting there by the campfire with her little hand on his arm. I could just imagine him there with a daughter, having the time of his life showing her how to set up a tent, start a fire and make s'mores. He is amazing with kids, they just love him and I can see that he's going to be the best dad... so much like mine. It made me miss my dad more than I have in a long time and made me want us to get pregnant so much more. Seeing that this weekend makes me even more determined that we're going to figure this out soon.

My appointment is this afternoon, here's hoping...

"Fathers be good to your daughters. Daughters will love like you do. Girls become lovers who turn into mothers. So mothers be good to your daughters too."

- John Mayer "Daughter"

Baby Name Ideas

This post is more for me than anyone else. I always hear names I like and then forget them... so what better place to keep them than here in my blog?

Girl Names:

Addison
Ella
Lucy
Jocelyn
Hannah
Natalie
Tierney
Ainsley
Charlotte
Chelsea
Olivia
Vivienne
Ava
Caroline


Girl Middle Names:

Elizabeth (after my grandma) or Grace.

Boy Names:

We've already decided on a boy name. Patrick James after my dad and my cousin.

If we have more than one boy, other names I like are:

Gabriel
Aidan
Cameron
Parker
Oliver

These are ones I'm liking right now... I'll add on other names I like every so often.

"I can't remember faces, don't remember names, but after awhile and a thousand miles it all becomes the same."

-Billy Joel

:: Sigh ::

Well, I didn't get the job. I'm pretty bummed because in all honestly it couldn't have been more perfect for our situation. Oh well, I have another job interview on Monday. It isn't as perfect but it gets me back in the wine business, which I love.

I'm getting pretty nervous about my appointment on Monday. I know it is better to know rather than to not know, but it is still scary! I am lucky though, my absolutely fabulous best friend Lindsay is going to come with me. I am so thankful for her support throughout this whole ordeal, she lets me vent whenever I need to and is always, ALWAYS there to listen. In all honesty I have no idea what I'd do without her!

Very few people know about our TTC, and I haven't even told my mother. She has so much on her plate right now that I just can't tell her. I know she would be FURIOUS with me if she found out that I was going to doctor's appointments and through all this stuff without her, but she just doesn't need the added stress. Not to mention she has habit of telling my what I should do, especially in medical situations and I really feel like this is something I need to make decisions on with Rob and no one else. Sorry Mom!

We're going camping this weekend, which presents a small problem... my CBEFM. For all of you that are not familiar with the lingo, CBEFM is a Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor. It is basically a very expensive way of making sure you do the deed during the right time of the month. From cycle day 7 to cycle day 16 I pee on these lovely little sticks every morning and it gives me a low, high or peak reading. I'm currently on a high... waiting for my peak. If you miss out on these darn sticks you might not get a proper reading, so I'm going to have to take this with me when I go to the campsite bathroom. Fantastic!

Speaking of the CBEFM I have a surefire was to make a million dollars. See these things run a girl about $100+ the sticks (which come with a 3 month supply) are about $60. So that is a nice little moneymaker for Clear Blue Easy right there, right?

After many months on the Babies on the Brain board (or BOTB, we're all about acronyms here) on The Nest I have come up with a fantastic idea! Some girls, who shall remain nameless to protect the not-so-innocent, are what I like to refer to as "Serial Stick Pee-ers". Hand them a stick that will tell them anything TTC or pregnancy related and they will pee on it. If I told them that by peeing on a rock at midnight by the full moon would tell them they are pregnant, well, let's just say I wouldn't be touching any rocks the next day. And don't get me wrong, I am among these SSPs... not to the extent of some girls, but I've had plenty of moments.

But I digress, back to the big bucks. What needs to be made is an obscenely expensive little piece of equipment that is exactly like the CBEFM and detects the hormone associated with ovulation; however, I'm going to take this little genius invention one step further, after ovulation there with a 10 day wait and THEN... drum roll please... you start with a different set of test sticks that detect the pregnancy hormone. No more buying HPTs by the dozen every month, this invention would be a twoofer, detects O and gives you a BFP/BFN (big fat positive/negative). It is sheer genius. I can tell you right now that I along with every other girl who is TTC on The Nest would run to the stores in droves for this. It would be like Tickle Me Elmo at Christmastime, the running of the brides at Filene's Basement, the new shipment of designer denim at Nordstrom Rack... I repeat SHEER GENIUS.

Well, this has become an obscenely long and rambling blog. I'm off to camping this weekend, hopefully one of the younger cousins doesn't get a hold of my CBEFM and thinks it is some sort of electronic game, now that would be fun for the whole family!

Wish me luck on Monday!!!

"Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. "

- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

Hopeful

I'm not going to be a regular multiple post per day kind of gal but...

I couldn't help myself and had to blog this. I've been looking for a new job, one that preferably provides health insurance because the costs of IF diagnosis and treatment are astronomical if you're not covered.

Several weeks ago I applied at a local Women's Clinic (which happens to have the #3 in the nation Fertility Clinic, WOW) for a Communications/Outreach position. It is a part time position but still has health coverage which is fantastic! I could work in Real Estate (in more of an administrative/accounting capacity) and still help my mom, and also have this position that sounds like something in which I could really apply my degree in Communications. It would be the best of both worlds!

I received a phone call today for a phone interview and had called the woman right back to say that I was available anytime, well she called back minutes later and anytime meant right then! I think I did well, although I know I spoke pretty fast because she kind of threw me for a loop. I know I said something stupid when she asked me about why I wanted to work there, something about how I would have loved to be a nurse if I could stand the sight of blood,(oh, yes I actually said that), but I'm pretty sure that was the only stupid thing I said. Hopefully she didn't notice that comment... ugh. But they're calling 5-7 candidates back on Thurs/Fri for in house interviews.

At the moment I'm dissecting my interview, and dwelling on the things I may have said wrong. However, she did say I had a fantastic phone presence, but maybe she said that to everyone...

Now I can focus on this job possibility until I get a call back and maybe won't stress so much about my first IF appointment on Monday.

Think/pray/send good job vibes to me!

"Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will... "

- Hope Floats

Introductions...

Welcome to my blog! I'm going to try and keep things light and fluffy on her as much as I can but to tell you the truth I'm writing this blog in order to keep myself, and my darling husband, sane during the beginning stages of our journey into infertility. This is my outlet. Sometimes it will be funny, others it will be angry, sometimes sad and hopefully, ultimately a happy ending in the form of a second line on a pregnancy test.

Background:

We've been married for three years now. The last year and a half we've been attempting, unsuccessfully, to get me knocked up. Don't get me wrong, the trying part has been fun, it is the subsequent "two week wait" after you think that this time you've really done it, you are sure of it, that really gets you. Unfortunately for me I've been through 17 of those torturous two week waits so far which I can tell you is not fun.

I'm currently in baby limbo, living my life in one week increments. A week of "Damn, it didn't happen this time" followed by a week of "Let's-get-it-on-raise-up-your-butt-only-have-sex-every-other-day" and ending with two weeks of make believe pregnancy symptoms, which turn me into a crazed, symptom googling maniac, and back to start again. I feel like I'm in a real life game of SORRY! where I keep on getting the "Return to Start" card.

At this point I have bravely overcome my paralyzing fear of doctors and have made an appointment for August 13th, to get this party started and get some answers. It will be expensive since being self-employed I have no infertility coverage for diagnosis or treatment but hopefully worth it in the end. Knowing what is going on will be the first step. Wish me luck ...

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next."

-Gilda Radner